How to give feedback or feedforward (without it getting messy) - Part 2

As an executive coach, I’ve spent nearly 20 years working with highly successful leaders who’ve hit a bump in the road. I help these leaders get over that bump by clarifying their goals and making a plan to reach them. I work with my clients through my firm Paravis Partners and, with some of them, on my Harvard Business Review Presents Coaching Real Leaders podcast, where I take you behind the closed doors of real coaching sessions. I also host the Coaching Real Leaders Community, where an amazing group of leaders and coaches come together to take a deeper dive into the challenges of leadership. In this newsletter, I share takeaways from my many years of coaching conversations. My hope is that my efforts will help you lead (or coach) with more ease.

The most effective feedback discussions are based on shared understanding.?

In my last newsletter, I shared how to give team members feedback — without it getting messy. Many of you responded that feedforward is the way to go. Whether feedback or feedforward, it’s important to not miss (as I and many of my clients often have) the?check in with the receiver to see how they view the situation in question. This is vital to helping move from a one-way directive to a two-way understanding-based dialogue.

With that in mind, I recommend adding that additional step in your feedback/forward repertoire:

• Situation: Describe the situation in which the behavior occurred
• Behavior: Describe the behavior that happened
• Outcome: Share what the impact was as the result of the behavior
• Check in: Ask the person you’re giving feedback to what their perspective is on the impact of the behavior you described
• Suggestion: Provide suggestions on what they can do differently next time in order to have a more desirable outcome

Why is the check in step important? Because what you observe and how you interpret a situation is only your perception. Whatever improvements or changes you suggest will be stronger if they’re grounded in shared understanding.?

Understanding-based feedback allows the receiver to share their interpretation and opens up the conversation to changes that work for both of you. This is much better for your working relationship than directive-based feedback, which focuses only on your perception and how you want the receiver to change.

Understanding-based feedback in action

I’ve tried this check in step myself as have many of my coaching clients, with much success.

Here’s the difference a check in can make, using an actual example from one of my clients, who manages a team member working remotely.??

Directive-based feedback sounds like this:

Manager: “The past few times I called you about something urgent, you didn’t pick up the phone. I didn’t get the help I needed at the time, and it makes me feel like you don’t care about the fires we need to put out. I’d suggest that going forward, you let me know when you’re not going to be available, and that you keep your phone on at all other times during work hours so that I can reach you.”

Understanding-based feedback (with a check in) sounds like this:

• Manager (Situation): “The past few times I called you about something urgent…
• Manager (Behavior): …you didn’t pick up the phone.
• Manager (Outcome): I didn’t get the help I needed at the time, and it makes me feel like you don’t care about the fires we need to put out.
• Manager (Check in): How does that land with you? Does that resonate with you?”
• Team Member: “No, it doesn’t. I mean I agree that I didn’t pick up right when you called. But it’s not true that I don’t care about the fires we need to put out.? In fact, it’s quite the opposite –? there are so many fires we’re putting out, I turn off notifications so I can tackle them all. But I definitely didn’t intend to come off to you as non-responsive. Maybe we can come up with another way for you to reach me when something’s urgent.? I’d also find it helpful if you can help with prioritizing what’s on my plate when these urgent issues come up.”
• Manager (Suggestion): “That’s fair. How about when I have a new fire, I send you an instant message and wait for your call back — as long as I know you’re looking out for these regularly. We can also have a 10-minute daily check in to make sure we’re on the same page about what’s pressing. Does that work for you?”

Sure, there are a number of ways the discussion can go once a manager checks in (they might not all be as quick as this example!). Still, what matters about checking in is that it opens up the feedback process to understanding, dialogue, and co-creation and co-ownership of a solution.?

Both parties take ownership in the short term and benefit in the long run, since agreed-upon changes have a higher chance of sticking.

How about you? Do you use the check in? Let me know in the comments.

PS In Episode 2 of my Coaching Real Leaders podcast, I coach a leader who's struggling with how to effectively lead his team without strategic clarity and direction from senior leadership. Tricky! Check it out and let me know: what would you do in his situation or if you were coaching him? Listen here ??.

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