How Getting DUMPED by my Wife pushed me to Create a LIT THE F*&K UP LIFE! ??????

Growing up, my mom treated me like I was the world's most precious gift. But she held onto that gift for dear life and was afraid of everything. I’m grateful for her PROFOUND LOVE and protective instincts…

• But she’d watch to make sure I made it to my best friend's house, 3 doors down, in a safe suburban neighborhood. ??
• I wasn’t allowed to play in the woods or go to the mall without an adult until I was old enough to WORK THERE. ??
• And she’d rush me to the doctor if I had the slightest of sniffles. ??

My dad had grown up in poverty and created a 6 figure income for our family. Yet he always acted like he had nothing for himself. I’m grateful for his commitment to providing and his selflessness…

• But the guy used to EAT the PULP from the juice machine with HOT SAUCE so he didn’t “waste money”. ??
• Wear MY hand me down shoes even though as a teen those shoes were about 3 sizes too large. ??
• I distinctly remember the time he bought himself a new shirt...I think I was 19 years old. ??

It’s almost as if they both believed that love, money, health, and time were scarce and to maintain a comfortable life meant constantly living in fear.

And my dad acted like he didn’t think he was worthy of enjoying life or that there was ever enough for him to get what HE wanted.

My parents have always wanted the best for me and ALWAYS did their best. ??

But without ever being told that I should live in fear or limit my possibilities in life...I did. I believed that whatever came easily to me in life was worth protecting and it wasn’t worth taking a chance to go after what I’d wanted. ??

By the time I got to adolescence, I didn’t even allow myself to dream of or feel worthy of the most basic things a teen boy would want. Whether it was actually applying myself to get good grades and get into a good college or simply flirting with girls or working up the courage to ask someone on a date…

I just…

didn’t...

even…

try.

And since I never even believed I could enjoy life, I found a way to numb all that fear, pain, and disconnection from my passion and desires.

I ate, and I watched tv to numb. By the time I was out of elementary school I was already on diets. By the time I was out of middle school, I’d given up on diets and was on my way to over 300 lbs.

I also had some ‘learning disabilities’ and was at best an average student, in a world where I was constantly told that I had to be extremely smart and get good grades or I’d never have a great career.

I remember thinking “I’ll never have a career I love and make ‘good’ money. I’ll never have much of a love, sex, or relationship life. And I’ll never lose the weight, so I’ll probably die early from poor health.” ??

The worst part…

I believed, “This is just who I am and I should never even consider wanting or going after more.”

Even with this belief that “This is just who I am”, I ended up stumbling into a pretty decent life. ??

By the time I was 28 years old, I was well known in my company as a top performing store manager and married. ??

My wife and I traveled well, ate well, owned a gorgeous condo, fostered and trained Pit Bulls and I thought we were pretty happy. ??

I’d built so much more than I’d thought possible BUT I was constantly worried that if I did anything to risk any of it, I could lose it all. ??

So I hid.

I hid my deeper needs, my wants, and my desires from myself. And I hid by playing it safe in my own career and in my relationship.

In my career I began to stick to the things that I was already good at; eventually, I stopped learning and mastering new skills. I worked longer hours so it would appear I was hustling but really I was frozen in my growth and losing passion fast. ??

In my relationship, I never spoke up about what I wanted or about choices that she would make that I didn’t agree with. I had no guts to enforce my boundaries and I conceded all decisions to her. ??

Here I was, a guy that is trusted to run multi-million dollar stores, who felt he had to call his wife from the grocery store because I needed her help deciding on the regular quinoa or the red quinoa! (WTF...right?) ??

I put her on a pedestal and always tried to do and say the right thing to keep her from being upset with me. Which of course, never worked. ??

I gave away all of my personal power because I thought that if I lost this relationship or career, that not only would I be a failure but I’d never find another partner or job I was good at and I might even spend the rest of my years alone, longing and wondering what I could have done better. ??

Essentially I was no longer living my life or creating my life...I WAS HOLDING ON FOR DEAR LIFE. ??

I ignored the pain by working more, numbing with food and various distractions like porn or sports, and pretending that my life was amazing. ????

You’d see me smiling in pictures on Facebook, but deep down I was in constant fear that I’d lose it all. ????

Is any of this sounding familiar? We all find ways to play it safe or hide from what we really want at times in our lives. Be it with health, love or career.

As you could imagine, my hiding, playing small, and acting like the spineless nice guy with my wife, was the exact reason she’d lost connection with me. Within months of tying the knot, we were fighting all of the time and creating a toxic codependent mess of a marriage.

This lasted for about 3 years and while deep down I knew we were a mess, I told myself “This is just what marriage is”. ????

And while I was hiding and holding on for dear life, she was dreaming of a better life, and after a few months of couples therapy…

She asked for a divorce. ????

A few days after she asked for the divorce, I remember sitting on our bed alone, imagining that I was on a path to gaining more weight, staying stuck in a retail job I’d lost passion for, and being alone forever.

After all, a part of me always believed that I couldn’t change and that it was too risky to go after the life I’d wanted anyway. Hell, I didn’t even know how to dream about a better life.

Then this one thought changed everything. “What if this is a crossroads, a gift and you have a choice in what happens next? What if losing it all, is simply an opening to create the life you never thought you could have?” ????

For the first time in my life, I finally thought...

“What if I could get healthy, lose the rest of the weight, figure out how to date with confidence, and create quality relationships? What if an amazing career and meaningful love life were within my power?” ????????

Before my ex and I had split our therapist asked us to read The 5 Love Languages and I was deeply fascinated. I was exposed to a whole new world. Even before the break up I started to read more about love and sex and I realized...

“People teach people how to be better at LIFE!?!!?!” ????

Once she dumped me, I became insatiable. But no longer for food, porn, TV, and the various other numbing and coping strategies. I was now ADDICTED to learning about the human condition. ????

So I began reading, listening, watching, and consuming anything I could get my hands on about relationship, sex, attraction, dating, weight loss, emotional intelligence, communication, mind-body connection, and mindset. ??

I stayed in therapy, which led to more self knowledge, which led to more books, which led me to doing online programs with dating coaches, social confidence coaches, and fitness pros. ??

Which led to me losing another 100lbs and growing my confidence to date. I ended up completely changing my relationships with food, sex, and women. ??

And through all of this work on myself, I learned to challenge my own beliefs, understand my body, become fluent in my emotions and I embraced the idea that taking risks to go after a life beyond what I'd built was the only way to live.??????

From that moment, just days after my separation when I finally gave myself a choice, I’ve chosen to live from the belief that I deserve what I want in this short life and I am infinitely capable of changing any part of me or my situation that is in the way.

And I proved this to be true as each and everything I put my heart into, helped me to feel more confidence, more joy, more passion, and more excitement. And there were positive feedback loops all around me. ??

I was making more money, had more friends, building a better relationship with my body and I was having a lot of fun with women while building true intimacy…for the first time in my life. ??

Today, I wake up each morning and choose courage over comfort, love over fear, and creation over consumption. Not 100% of the time (I’m still perfectly imperfect and wildly human) but EVERY...SINGLE...DAMN...DAY I return to those choices. ??????

I’ve built a business that allows me freedom and purpose, I’ve lost 160 lbs, that I’ve kept off for 7+ years.

And I’m currently in the most connected, sensual, spiritual, supportive, and liberated relationship of my life. We have recently moved in together and begun our life partnership, co-creating a values-aligned vision for our lives together and supporting each other’s missions to leave this world more whole, healed, and empowered than we each came into it. ????????

While in the past I might have had to call my ex-wife to ask her which quinoa to buy, now my partner and I take turns planning dates, rituals, our home, and the future that LIGHT US the F*&K Up. I don’t give up all of my power and put her on a pedestal, nor do I take responsibility to put it all on my shoulders either! ???????? ????

Life isn’t sunshine and rainbows every day. In fact, I feel more all of the time.

More pain and pleasure, more joy and grief. I have my challenges, obstacles, setbacks, failures, and fears. But now, I embrace the ups and downs that come with a life full of passion and purpose. ??

Even on my worst days, this way of being lights me the fuck up! ??

That is why I’m on a mission to create a world where men go after the relationships, health, and careers that LIGHT them the FUCK UP too! ??????

Ultimately I know that when men feel more connected to courage, confidence, love, and freedom, they can help raise the next generation with more love and liberation and less fear and oppression.

Our world is aching for change from the inside out. It’s time! ??????

So if this vision for our world is something that you can get behind or want men in your life to experience, share this with someone you care about or DM me!