How to get what you want.

What do you want?

If I could help you get it, would you keep reading? I can! Keep reading.

In my work as a life coach I’ve had the opportunity to work with thousands of amazing women. Us girls have so much in common. We stumble over many of the same obstacles. Going for what we want is one of them.

Somewhere along the way (very likely when you were young and tender) someone taught you that it was selfish for you to want. They were wrong. 

It’s not selfish to want. It’s a natural drive. It’s human to hunger. In fact, the more appetite you have for life, the more interesting it will be. I want you to get ravenous, and become a master at getting what you want.

To get started, please allow these words to serve as official permission to start wanting. You deserve good things. You getting does not reduce another person’s ability to get. In fact, you getting helps you to give more. 

Happily, the formula for getting what you want is super simple. We’ll cover it in this week’s video coaching session. Press PLAY already, and let the getting begin.

Step 1 – Ask

It would be amazing if you could just think about what you wanted and have it materialize, wouldn’t it? Sadly, life doesn’t work that way. You have to take some action. Most important, you have to open your mouth, and speak up for yourself.

No one in your life can read your mind. You have to tell them what’s on it. When you don’t, it’s almost guaranteed you’re going to create some disappointing results. When disappointment becomes the norm, you harden a bit. You get angry and resentful. (Which feels TERRIBLE).

Bitter is not sweet.

You avoid bitter and resentful by asking for what you want. And what if you haven’t been asking, so you’re already there? First, I’m sorry. I’ve been at this particular intersection, and it sucks. 

Second, you’re gonna need to process. Start by acknowledging where you’re not speaking up for yourself, Clear your throat, and start speaking. It’s time to set boundaries and let go of grudges.

Remember, if you haven’t asked, you’re part of the reason you’re not getting what you want. (I know this sucks, but it’s truth. No guilt. Just own it).

If you have trouble asking for help, it’s possible you’re dealing with a limiting belief. A belief is just a commonly held opinion. The problem is, most beliefs are formed unconsciously. 

I’ve never worked with a client who didn’t have a limiting belief (or 10) to work through. To start, read through this list of common misconceptions about asking for help.

• It’s bad manners to make a request.
• Good girls don’t make noise or speak their opinions.
• It’s not ladylike to be loud.
• It’s weak or needy to ask for help.
• You’re not supposed to bother people.
• It’s bossy to direct others.

None of these beliefs are true, but they’re common. They’ll hold you back. Big time. Call bullshit. Stop being a good girl. Be a rebel. Open your mouth and ask for what you want. Catch yourself when you start to censor, and identify the belief that’s fueling your hesitancy. Challenge it. Replace it with a more empowering alternative.  Mine is…

Strong women speak up.

Now about that asking…

Step 2 – Ask the right person

Venting to your best friend about what you’re not getting from your husband is not the same thing as asking your husband for what you need. Yet I bet you do some version of this regularly. Do you say what you need, but to the wrong person? (No shame here. Name it to change it.)

When you don’t get what you want, it’s normal to feel disappointed. That creates energy, which has to go somewhere. You let it go when you vent to someone you trust. But all you’ve done is release energy. You haven’t improved your situation. You’re talking to the wrong person. 

This sounds both obvious and insane when you look at it written down, doesn’t it? But I bet I busted you. How many times do you complain about what you’re not getting to someone who can’t help you get it?

Stop it! Put those big girl panties on. For real. 

Do you need to have a conversation with someone? Set a time to do it. Give the person in question a little credit. They can handle it, whatever it is. They’ll probably be glad to help.

Are you going to be uncomfortable? Probably, but you can totally handle it. The discomfort won’t last forever, and it’s such an upgrade from the chronic uneasiness that comes with repression. 

Repress no more my sister!

Step 3 - Receive

It sounds so obvious. Once you’ve asked, of course you want to receive what you’ve asked for, right? Unfortunately, receiving isn’t that simple. In fact, it’s one of the most difficult abilities I help clients condition. It’s also something I continually work to develop within myself.

Receiving is hard because it requires vulnerability, and that can be quite terrifying. To complicate matters, our identities as women are tied to caring and nurturing. We are the Mother. We’re used to doing for others. It can feel foreign to be done for. 

Limiting beliefs also rear up (big time) in the area of receiving. The act of accepting help, love and kindness triggers beliefs around your worth and deservingness. 

You always create the life you believe you deserve. If you don’t think you’re worthy of something, it’s likely you won’t get it. And if you do get it, you’ll unconsciously sabotage. You cannot allow yourself to have more than you believe you deserve.

Finally, your ability to receive has a lot to do with how safe you feel in the world. People who don’t feel safe need to control. Everything. They want things done their way, or no way at all. (Allow me to out myself. I am one of these people in recovery.)

There is a problem with this approach to life. The act of controlling creates a contracting energy. Control is a tight fist. Receiving requires an open hand. If your fist is always clenched, how can I place something in it? You’ve got to open to receive.

That opening takes practice. Start small. Allow people to do for you in low-stakes ways. Let them help with household chores or administrative tasks. When someone offers you help, accept it. Then refrain from telling them how to deliver it.

It does not matter how your towels are folded, as long as you’re not the one who folded them. If you reorganize the dishwasher after your partner puts in some kitchen duty, you need to stop yourself. Now.

You are safe. Be an open hand. Receive with grace.

You deserve to get, and now you know how to do just that. Remember to practice! 

Thanks for stopping by this week. Tell me what you think by commenting below. If you aren’t part of my community yet, come over to www.kimberlyfulcher.com. Subscribe, and we’ll practice together.

Remember that life is happening for you, and that no matter what happens…

You Got This!

KIM