How to get what you want by changing the way you talk

Words, they just get in the way - Richard Ashcroft

Have you ever had someone say to you "it's not what you said - it's the way that you said it"? Chances are that most of us have experienced this. For some, it could have happened more than once. Or perhaps you've said it to someone or many people!

This comment is very relevant when our body language and / or tone doesn't match the words that we say and it can be very easy for others to pick up on that and even for us to know that what we're saying doesn't match how we're truly feeling and therefore, our body language gives it away.

However, there are also strong verbal clues that give away how we are really feeling about the conversation or how we're feeling in general when in certain circumstances.

Consider the football star who repeatedly says 'you know' when being interviewed. Contrary to popular belief, this is not necessarily due to a lack of intelligence and is more of a sign that being interviewed, often straight after a game, is something they're just not comfortable with. Regardless of media training! And this repeated phrase becomes a sign that they are either over-thinking their responses i.e. 'give the usual cliches and get out of there' or it shows that they are much more comfortable doing their actual job.

Also, watch for how many politicians repeat certain phrases or always go back to the same point when being interviewed. Particularly when being pushed on a challenging topic. Observe how they often go to 'I will repeat my previous answer' or 'as I said earlier' which is a tell-tell sign that they are either finding the situation very uncomfortable or they are hiding something.

"When you finally learn that a person's behaviour has more to do with their own internal struggle than you; then you learn grace" - Alison Aars

There are many examples of this in the workplace as people repeat certain phrases or words when they are uncertain in the circumstances or perhaps there are deeper lying challenges such as lack of confidence, uncertainty or even imposter syndrome.

Think about yourself or others when presenting. This is a classic situation where the vocabulary runs away from us and our thoughts trigger words very quickly. Presenters often say 'urm' when thinking what's coming next. Or use 'link words' when moving between topics / slides. I've given lots of feedback on Presentation Skills workshops to people who repeat, amongst others, things like: -

• Obviously
• So
• Next up (repeated after each bullet point!)
• I think
• Urm
• Sorry

Now presenting can be tough and it's not uncommon for people to feel nervous or even scared in this situation. This heightens the potential for us to start repeating words or phrases that belie what and how we're presenting. This is thanks to our brain function speeding up because of the negative emotions we're experiencing which puts our Amygdala (the part of the brain that controls our emotions) in greater control determining thoughts to appear very quickly which increases the chances of us losing control of what comes out of our mouths!

Delivering presentations is usually an isolated experience that doesn't occur very day for most of us. However, many people give away their true feelings in almost every interaction by repeating the words and phrases they have become accustomed to thanks to their confidence and self-belief levels.

I fell foul of this as a young manager and I would repeat the phrase 'so to speak' after pretty much everything I said. I would even repeat it after verbatim statements i.e. "the meeting is on Tuesday....so to speak". And I'm not over-exaggerating there!

Eventually and thankfully for me, my team started to pick me up on it and would tell me when I said it to them. It became a team joke and people would say it after I had stopped speaking even if I didn't say it! Whilst, I was quite happy to be the butt of jokes for this seemingly meaningless saying, it really struck a chord with me and I can vividly remember becoming very aware of what I was saying and this is the first time I can remember that I made a very conscious decision to change how I responded to my thoughts and choose what words I used.

I was able to stop saying it and it was forgotten about and it massively improved my level of self-awareness. Not only did I challenge myself to stop saying it, I was able to reflect and identify that the reason I was using this phrase wasn't because I had lost control over what I say or because I was lazy when it came to my vocabulary - it was because I lacked confidence and didn't have true conviction in what I was saying. And the key driver behind it was my desire to avoid conflict.

So instead of being assertive and giving clear direction to my team, I would subconsciously 'soften' what I was saying by adding "so to speak" to make what I had said seem less direct and because I didn't want to come across as too confident or that I was telling them what to do because I was afraid they would disagree with me and challenge me!

I'll never know if my team knew this about me and recognised that how I was communicating was masking my insecurities as a leader. One thing I do know is that I was very lucky that they made me aware of it which enabled me to stop saying it and develop my confidence as a leader.

"Only by knowing yourself, can you become an effective leader" - Vince Lombardi

We can all fall foul of this and I have seen this when coaching and bring to the attention of my clients, the words that they are using and ask them to consider why they are using those words or phrases and what's behind them. This includes: -

• "I don't know" - demonstrated a lack of confidence suggesting their own solutions and highlighted to them that they weren't used to being asked for their opinion because of the culture in which they work
• "Do you know what I mean?" (said after most sentences) - it came to light that this had become a habit which was routed in them not always being confident in what they were saying and used these words to ask for validation from the other person to confirm what they had said made sense!

Simple phrases and words can hide so much more. My 'so to speak' wasn't the last time I had to change the words I used. Last year when I was preparing to launch Enthuse to the world, I reached out to someone who has their own successful coaching and training business and asked them for their advice. Luckily for me, they agreed to a call and were very forthcoming in sharing their experiences and words of guidance with me.

Their advice wasn't the most striking thing that came from the conversation though. An exchange towards the end of the call went something like this (we'll call the other person Dave because that's what I call everyone when I don't use their real name): -

Dave - "everything you have said sounds great Tim. You've cleary got the experience and ability to do this and have planned it well. How serious, really, are you about making this a success?"

Me - "Urm. Urm. Urm. Well, I'm very serious about it. This has been my ambition and plan ever since I realised I love coaching and training. What makes you ask me that?"

Dave - "because after everything you say you add 'kind of'... I want to have my own 'kind of' coaching clients. And I want to do some associate work 'kind of'. I will start writing blogs and sharing more content, well 'kind of' because I won't have lots of time for that. What is it Tim? Do you really want to do it or do you 'kind of' want to do it?"

Me - "wow, thank you. I had no idea that I was saying that and coming across in that way. I 100% want to do it"

Dave - "well you need to tell your head that because when you say 'kind of' it doesn't sound 100%."

'Dave' then went on to share with me how using that kind of language will show potential clients that I might not be truly confident which could make it difficult to get work or make them challenge me. Or worse still - it could make me second guess myself.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

What was happening to me was that my natural emotions toward starting my own business were what many other people experience and of course I had doubts - we're only human after all!

It is the biggest change of my career and naturally that made me think about the potential challenges and possibility of failing - I was going from 20+ years consistent employment with a monthly salary to having no work at all confirmed. That's not something you do every day!

So whilst how I was thinking about it was perfectly normal, the way I was verbalising it was betraying the reality of the situation because I definitely was and still am 100% committed to making Enthuse a success. My words were getting in the way and I had to choose a more positive response to my thoughts.

When I reflected on this, I came to the conclusion (one that I actually already knew!) that the best way for me to demonstrate my confidence in and commitment to Enthuse was to be myself. To talk as myself in the way that I talk. To show my passion for what I do and my belief in people.

I could see that my natural thoughts being triggered by the worries that anyone starting out on their own experiences, were making me talk in a way that I thought other people wanted me to talk and that was reducing the conviction in what I was saying and making me choose to say 'kind of'. Which was clearly coming from 'I kind of' think this is what I should say.

"Take your own advice Tim" - Danny Seals

From this experience, I was able to see that I needed to do what the wonderful Danny Seals told me to do and take my own advice! Something I absolutely live by is 'you can only be true to yourself' (we've got Paul Weller to thank for that) and that we must all trust ourselves as decent human beings and be ourselves.

Danny's quote reminded me of who I am - I'm not 'corporate', I tell the truth, sometimes I swear, I talk with real passion, my purpose is to make people think, I say it as it is, I listen and ask questions without judgement, I won't hold back and everything I do is done with positive intentions.

Doing this showed me that I have to talk like me and stop trying to second guess what other people wanted me to say and not not try to come across as some kind of 'expert' or 'businessman' (I'll never be called the latter of those two things!) and quite simply.... JUST. BE. ME.

Me trying to talk like someone else added to the doubts I was feeling because of the huge change I was going to make and resulted in me showing it through the use of 'kind of'. Changing that to conciously choosing to be myself has removed the doubts and grown my confidence because I leave every exchange with other people knowing that I was myself. And at the end of the day, all you've got is you.

I often see people sharing feedback from their coaching and training clients and pretty much all of it is telling them how wonderful they are in those roles. Some of the best feedback I've had so far is: -

• 'You really made me think. No-one has ever put it like that before'
• 'You won't be everyone's cup of tea Tim' (thank god for that!)
• 'You talk like people do when they're down the pub. It means we can all understand it and relate to it'
• 'As soon as you walked in the room with your nails painted and a toy duck under your arm; I knew this was going to be different'

Because that feedback is me being me. Not some contrived inspirational speaker or coach who does what everyone else does and takes the higher ground. It's just me. Some people think I'm an idiot, some people love me. That's life isn't it!

My three tips to making sure your words don't get in the way are: -

1. Observe how you talk and note if you are repeating words or phrases. If you can spot this, then note down why you think this might be happening and come up with an action plan to stop saying it. Ask your colleagues or manager to observe you in certain situations and give you feedback on the words you use - does your vocabulary match your intended message and desired impact?
2. #italwaysstartswithyou - you choose what comes out of your mouth. You don't get to choose your thoughts; you choose how to respond to them. You can stop saying things that don't benefit you. Check that you're not forcing yourself to talk in a way that others talk or just to 'fit in'. No-one was put on this earth to fit in
3. You can only be true to yourself - JUST. BE. YOU. Being yourself, whatever the outcome, will always be easier to deal with than trying to be someone else. The Challenge is The Opportunity

The most important person you will ever have a conversation with is you.

"If it doesn't challenge you; it won't change you" - Fred Devito