How to get out of The Drama Triangle
Emma Louise Munro Wilson
Strategic advisor to senior leaders on transforming leadership, culture, & business performance through digital marketing & social media | LinkedIn Top 1% since 2017 | Sharing actionable insights regularly.
Cinderella, Snow White, Beauty and the Beast; these were the fairytales I grew up on. They each have a Drama Triangle at their heart: the misunderstood or downtrodden victim, the evil persecutor, and the knight in shining armour who rescues the princess from her awful fate (apart from Cinderella's story - I maintain the Fairy Godmother rescued her first!)
It was Steven Karpman who coined the notion of the Drama Triangle in 1968 and once you know it, you can never un-know it. Suddenly you’ll start seeing fairytale characters and plots being played out all over the place - Teacher/Parent/Child; Colleague/You/Manager relationships to name but two. The purpose of this blog is to draw a map with clear signposts so you can step outside of The Drama Triangle because it’s not a good place to get lost in. No one ever wins in the Drama Triangle, it’s just lose-lose-lose.
Karpman’s Triangle refers to 3 different characters: the persecutor, the victim and the rescuer:
So, how do you avoid it?
Don’t persecute.
Everybody plays the blame game at some point, we can’t help ourselves. It’s figuring out a way to step out of the drama triangle that distinguishes you as an individual. I know - so easy to say and so much harder to do. So let me tell you about the time I really, really struggled getting out of The Drama Triangle.
I had a colleague that made my job ten times harder than it had to be. In the end, I decided it was quicker and easier just to do their job for them. They would leave the office at 4 pm, and I would work until midnight and blame them for it. I blamed them for all the problems that happened as a result of effectively doing two jobs – my weight-gain, my inability to sleep, the breakdown of my relationships. I hated them.
It took a great mentor to remind me that I had made the choice to do their work, and infinite patience on his part to get me to see things from their point of view. He suggested that the reason they were making poor decisions was that they didn’t understand the data they were looking at and panicking about missing deadlines. The solution was simple – a dashboard that would filter information so they would only see what they needed to see to take action. Not only was that a more sustainable solution, if it worked it could be rolled out across the whole team. I put the idea forward, took accountability for the project and worked on it with colleagues who then became good friends and later, I got promoted out of the team. A happy ending for everyone involved!
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Don’t be a victim.
Sometimes we all need time and space to stamp our feet a little and shout “It’s not fair, it’s just NOT FAIR!”. When I find myself blaming other people, I try to remember my Grandma’s wise words:
It’s fine to ask for information or advice, as long as you take care of your own problems rather than expecting someone else to do it for you. Next time you find yourself thinking “It’s just NOT FAIR!” or “why does this ALWAYS happen to me?”?remember that’s your inner child talking. Take a breath and take time to figure out what you can do to change the outcome.?
Don’t be a rescuer.
Don’t offer advice or attempt to help if someone doesn’t need it, or if you’re trying to make the situation about you. It’s ok to ask if someone wants your help, advice or opinion but acknowledge that he or she might say no.?As a manager, I have always found it hard to not step in and do something for someone but I know if I always do that, they will never learn or take responsibility for themselves. If you have the patience, it's quite amazing to watch people develop and grow under your tutelage and to see how you've made a difference in their lives.
Not only do these drama triangles exist in our everyday lives at work, be warned - they also exist in our own heads.
The Internal Drama Triangle
Do you find you beat yourself up for that second or third glass of wine? For not responding to that client email, missing the gym or being ten minutes late for a birthday meal? Do you find the little voice in your head telling you how useless you are? How bad a friend/partner/boss you are? I do. I have to stop myself and say “hey, I’m being the bad guy here. Would I say that to a friend?” And if not, “then why is it ok to say it to myself?”
It’s easy to move into victim mode, to tell yourself that you’re useless and give yourself a thousand examples of why that’s the case. Sometimes you can be just as quick to mount a defence and rescue yourself from feeling bad - you shouldn’t be answering emails at 10 pm, they won’t read them until tomorrow anyway; you deserve some chocolate cake - it’s been a hard day!
Sometimes you have to give yourself a break; sometimes you have to realise that you’re in rescue mode and it’s holding you back from achieving your bigger goals in life. If you ever find yourself in The Drama Triangle just remember these are just fairy tale roles, they’re not facts of life and fortunately you can leave the drama triangle whenever you like... I use this daily reflection exercise to help me realise if I’m in the Drama Triangle and if I am, to make sure I can find a way to get out!
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I would love to hear your thoughts on this. If you enjoyed this article,?you may enjoy my other articles ?too!
Psychologist: Enhancing performance through Learning, Coaching, Leadership and Wellbeing.
6 年Lovely article. It's like politics at work and reframing thoughts, behaviours, actions. Always keep a neutral attitude, be aware of when you/others could be displaying negative behaviours. If behaviours become toxic, despite coaching and support, you know you need to remove yourself from that situation - basically let them 'sort their shit out'. I felt the need to swear because we can't fix others. What I like about your article is people need to develop real self-awareness and understand when they may be acting out a particular 'role'/behaviour. I am a habitual 'Rescuer' and the problem with this is it can actually create more problems than it solves! Best to help coach rather than try and solve another's actions. The best advice I can give is to be straightforward but tactful! E.g chose your words carefully, remember there is a time and a place for things to be said, remain culturally aware, think before you speak, be aware of your body language and never react emotionally. Deflect gossip, be confident to decline and learn to say no, give constructive feedback (tact again), and be prepared you might have to let someone people go, even if painful. Thanks for the share Emma-Louise Munro Wilson
Vice President bp | Portfolio Strategy | Oil, Energy, EV, Retail
6 年This a really thought provoking article - thanks for sharing. When I was reading it I was trying to imagine triangle type situations I have been in. I certainly recognise the potential to paint someone as victim etc. Two is a couple but three takes on group dynamics. I wonder how much we can use the knowledge of group dynamics to frame triangle relationships more positively from the outset - never easy but I think if you can set up a group to not have hierarchy it helps.