How to Get More Male Allies...

The quest for gender equality in the workplace is far from over. In fact, with the economic impacts of COVID-19 disproportionately affecting women, the need is more important than ever. One key element for companies to move the needle on equity is actively engaging men. When men are involved in gender diversity efforts, 96% of organizations report progress, versus 30% where men are not engaged.

 On September 23 2020, I had the privilege to facilitate a panel with 

• Adam Kovalesky, Vice President of Product Development at Workday.
• Kelly Chen, Senior Engineering Manager at Collective Health.
• Melissa Falconett, Vice President of Product Design at Collective Health.  

Both Kelly and Melissa attended my Platinum Exchange Women’s Leadership Program (information at end of article)  while Adam has been a staunch supporter of Platinum Exchange and women’s leadership. Below is the wise and inspirational advice they shared.  

Q:  Given your experience with being/having a male ally, what’s your advice on enlisting the support of men who are well-intentioned colleagues that have been neutral about supporting women?

Kelly: From my experience, I believe that most people are good-intentioned and good at heart.  A lot of times they just don’t know what action to take.  One difference we see between men and women is that men (in general) are a lot more forthcoming with their career goals and ask for sponsors and mentors, while women can be more passive.  We need to encourage women to be intentional to ask more and build relationships.  One example is myself.  I was born in China and only came to the US for graduate study.  I was taught that women should be reserved and be prepared when opportunities come to you.  That cultural belief is true for many Asian women.  I started my career as an Engineer in a 6-person start-up.  I was happy working with brilliant Engineering minds.  As I grew into a more senior role and moved into larger companies, I realized that I needed to get my intentions out there more clearly and take action in my career development. Just waiting to be discovered is not enough anymore.  Taking that initial step wasn’t easy.  Around 2013, I learned about Platinum Exchange (women’s leadership program) and I wanted to take it.  I wasn’t sure how to ask and I thought more senior women deserved to take it first.  After thinking about my inner voice, I went to Adam (Kovalesky) and said if you want more feedback I’d like to do that.  I’m very glad I took that step; it was a lot easier than I expected.  I learned a lot from Platinum Exchange.  Much of what I say today is what I learned from there.  My advice is to take the initiative to make it happen instead of just waiting for it to happen.  

Adam:  We all have responsibilities to help grow and encourage the people we work with.  Having a diverse workforce makes good business sense.  All of us are working on solutions and systems; the buyers themselves will be diverse.  For me it’s simply obvious.  We need to make solutions that appeal to diverse audiences.  It makes economic rationale to help your business.  I’ve been fortunate enough to have positional power and part of my responsibility is to coach people in my team and around me.  You don’t have to be in a leadership position to offer yourselves to help others as advisors and coaches.  Make time for your colleagues; ask them about their career growth.  Sometimes people can have their own lack of confidence about something and you don’t think it’s a big ask or difficult; we have different opinions.  In general, men are more confident about their capabilities while women may be more unnecessarily under-confident.  Male allies can help with that.  In Kelly’s case, the worst thing that could have happened would be that she was told no.  In terms of confidence, I had conversations with my wife who completed her PhD.  She had been getting all “A’s” ; yet  in the first part of every course, she would have a confidence crisis.  I’d remind her that she said that at the beginning of every course and still got A’s.  My advice to leaders is reach out, be curious about their career ambitions, offer a safe environment where they can share concerns and give confidence to others. 

Melissa: My best advice to women for recruiting male allies--first, start the conversation and take initiative; be explicit and open with that person about your career goals and that you’d like their support in reaching them; be explicit about what you’re doing to reach your goals and be specific about how they can help.  I personally have not been too shy about asking.  There is good intention--most of the times I went to my male superiors, they said they had no idea that’s what I wanted and were interested in talking about it.  If you ever run into someone who’s not interested in helping you, find someone else who will. I guarantee you that there is someone in your organization who is interested and excited to help you succeed.  

Q: Some men see this as a “win-lose” situation.  If there are more successful women at organizations, will men lose out?

Melissa:  This speaks to what Adam was talking about and the answer is “no”.  If you have a more diverse workforce, studies show that your business will be more successful and when  your business is more successful, everybody wins.  The competition conversation is just missing the point of what we are trying to accomplish.  It’s not about taking opportunities away from anyone; it’s about leveling the playing field and ensuring the most qualified and  talented people are in leadership positions.  We need fantastic leaders, especially in the days we live in today.  When you have a more diverse pool in the mix, you will get that. 

Kelly:  You never win by holding others back.  The more successful women there are, the organization benefits and everyone benefits. Research supports that.  It’s less competitive than it is complementary.  You want the best people to make your company succeed.  

Adam:  There are different levels of competition in this world.  In driving businesses, solutions and approaches, competition is a fact of life.  One wants to ensure that the best solutions are encouraged by a meritocracy and it’s a level playing field without particular advantage to gender, race, etc..  We have seen historically that when corporations have limitations to who can participate, they get underperforming results.  Ultimately, the race is with yourself--what do you want to achieve in your career, your life.  As Kelly said, holding others back is thoroughly pointless and does nothing for your own achievements.  When you’re fortunate enough to be in a position of power, the more you can encourage meritocracy in your organization, the results are more successful and it augurs well for your own contributions. 

Q: After the #MeToo movement made positive gains in bringing sexual harassment into the open, it had negative backlash.  One study showed that 60% of men were less likely to mentor, socialize with or work one-on-one with a woman.  How can we still encourage male allies for women in spite of that?

Adam:  People can get worried that they’re walking on eggshells and are very conscious that they might offend.  First off, be respectful and try your best not to offend people. Treat people like you’d want your family to be treated.  You don’t have to walk on eggshells.  We don’t all say exactly the right words all the time, despite the fact that we generally all have the best intentions.  We are imperfectly human and things don’t always come out the way we intended.  Own that, apologize, admit that something may not have sounded right and that your point might have made someone uncomfortable and you didn’t mean it to.  Be respectful, mindful, open, apologize and move on.  Women--if something made you feel awkward, mention it to your male colleagues as they may not have realized it.  Be open to an honest apology.  Both men and women can provide a safe environment through being open and honest.  

Melissa:  Be vulnerable and kind to yourself and your colleagues.  We all say weird and awkward things sometimes.  How I approach this is to identify males in my organization that are open to building a strong partnership with me. I take steps to make it very open in the organization.  We are modeling to others that this can work.  Hopefully, you inspire other male leaders to put that fear aside and start engaging more deeply with their female colleagues.  Keep practicing it and then the more familiar and normal it becomes. 

Kelly: Be polite to each other.  I was fortunate that my first mentor was very technologically brilliant and very humble. He was polite to all people and gave others credit and support.  Keep relationships professional and honest. When you have a safe relationship, you can give feedback when someone says something that makes you uncomfortable.  Assume best intentions. 

Q: Covid has largely impacted women because they have ended up working more at home.  What actions can men take to better support women? 

Adam: That is absolutely true.  Colleagues are dealing with children going to school remotely and people are dealing with mental health challenges.  All of that work is falling more to women.  We can all be more supportive by being thoughtful about video calls---make sure it’s not when parents are trying to get kids to schools.  Be open and flexible.  Realize you don’t have to always be on video--you can go for a walk as you have a catch-up call. Just check in to see how people are coping with the stresses; be mindful and open and willing to listen.  Be supportive and take time to listen to non-work issues that are impacting people.  Take more time.  I’m trying to apply that more myself. 

Q: To Melissa, is there anything that you reflect on that contributed to the confidence in asking for what you want? 

Melissa: Yes, definitely I attribute a lot to my upbringing.  I was raised by a single mother.  It was up to me to get an education and raise myself out of the economic situation I grew up in.  I did have a lot of people in my family and career who were great mentors about asking for what you want.  People in my family are typically very forthcoming about their thoughts.  I did have some mentors early on in my design career who helped me be very explicit about what I was trying to accomplish.  This had nothing to do with leadership and more to do with articulating my design rationale.  That naturally carried over to how I approach my career.  I approach it as another design project in articulating my rationale.  I tell people if they want to build confidence, go to design school.

Q: How do we identify people who might need that extra push because of their internal confidence issues? 

Kelly: As a leader, you want to be more observant and more open to understanding different cultures.  Like myself, some people need to be pushed to take a leadership role. Now, as a manager, I observe that and intentionally have conversations with people about their career growth.   I tell people to look 2-5 years ahead and ask what their plan is.  I try to bring up these conversations and encourage more people to discover what they want.  As a leader, it’s your role to discover the talent on your team.  

Q: How can men be recognized as an ally and what can they do to advocate and help women?

Adam: From my experience, it doesn’t take a lot to be recognized as an ally.  If you’re a male and show support for your female colleagues, they will enthusiastically celebrate and recognize that.  If your female colleagues have an internal organization, volunteer to participate or contribute to a meeting.  If you have positional authority, advocate for training programs for women, such as Platinum Exchange. In my experience, my female colleagues have been very generous in recognizing alliances.  Men want to ensure that we’re advising and coaching female colleagues.  Reach out, make time, find out if there are female advocacy groups and ask if you can participate.  Males tend to be missing from the female advocacy groups.  Ask how you can learn more.  

Q: Sometimes women get labeled as emotional beings, which is seen as a negative characteristic for leadership positions.  How can our male allies help with this? 

Melissa: I see it as a strength.  In order to work with humans, it’s better to be more attuned to emotions.  We all have different levels of emotional intelligence.  If there are people who are more empathic, use that as a strength not as a weakness.  

Q: What can male allies do to help women of color grow in leadership roles?

Kelly: Seek to understand the background and differences of culture.  Have a more geared approach toward that.  For example, Asians tend to be less confident in general, so ask them what their goals are and where they want to be.  As a woman of color, overcome your own self-doubts.  I like what Melissa said to treat your career as a design project and design your own path.  I see it from both sides--advocate for yourself and as leaders, advocate for others. 

Q: Any final thoughts?

Adam:  Like emotional intelligence, multicultural backgrounds are strengths and people need to view them as such. 

Melissa: I imagine that for a lot of women, even approaching this topic can feel very awkward.  In my experience, I have become more aware of the process of gaining more male allies.  Until I came to Platinum Exchange, I wasn’t even aware that this is a process.  In my experience, when you approach them most people are very open about it.  You will still encounter some people who are not interested in it.  But for every one of those, you will find three or four people who are. 

We are very grateful to our panelists and the wisdom they imparted.  Thank you to everyone who joined us!  

Platinum Exchange is a women’s leadership program that increases diverse women’s success in corporations.  Our unique combination of cohort learning sessions and one-to-one coaching is customized with your company’s leadership criteria and can be delivered virtually, in-person or hybrid. Contact us to learn how to increase gender equity and engage male executives in sponsoring women, thus creating a positive culture shift in your company. Contact me for more information.