How to Get Kids to Listen: 10 Ladders for Success

You’ve asked your child to do something. Very calmly. Very rationally. And very deliberately. Nothing happened!! Now, you feel yourself quickly falling into the familiar cycle of “Repeat. Remind.”

And then it occurs— that the fuse blows. In a jiffy of utter defeat, you’re left screaming the same demands you had requested calmly just minutes ago. The energy escalates and everyone is left discouraged and frustrated.

So, if you want to get a grip on your child’s indifference & unresponsiveness, the first thing you need to do is figure out WHY she /he is NOT listening. If you don’t address this issue at its roots, you’re sure to see a simple case of “not listening” blossom into bigger behavior issues such as tantrums, backtalk and defiance, etc.

Why Don’t Kids Listen?

Children of all ages whether toddler through teens—have a hard-wired need for attention & power. When children don’t have opportunities to exert their power in positive ways such as choosing what clothes to wear, picking what game to play, making the dinner menu, etc.—they will exert their power in negative ways.

Because children DO have control over their body and language, the most power struggles occur when children use their bodies and language to defy our requests.

By choosing NOT to listen, children can assert their power. This behavior is simply a way children express their need for more control and decision-making ability in their lives.

By implementing a few easy-to-learn positive parenting techniques such Get to the Root of the Behavior, Be Consistent, No Rewards Always, Focus on what you can control – YOURSELF, Discipline, Don’t Punish and try giving your children power within your boundaries. By doing this, cooperation from your children will improve and the dreaded repeat – remind – repeat – remind cycle will come to an end.

Don’t lump every communication shutdown under the “not listening” umbrella. Dig in and discover what’s really going on, then you can make an action plan to specifically address that problem.

10 Ladders for Success

1.     Don’t threaten or explode - “Warning children, ‘You better be good,’ is too broad and general a message,” Assuming a child should know what we want, not being clear about what we expect in advance, and setting unrealistic limits will lead to frustration. That leaves the door open for reacting in anger or in an overly emotional way.

2.     Get on Their Level - When you need your child’s attention, make sure you get his / her attention by giving a patient listening first & then a good eye contact. When you lower yourself down and look his / her in the eye, you not only verify he /she sees and hears you, but you strengthen the communication as well. This means you might have to step away from the laundry or put down the whisk for a minute and step into the other room. Proximity is key—you’re not talking down to him /her or barking orders from the other room—you’re speaking with him /her. 

3.     Do Away With Don’t - Don’t touch your brother. Don’t run in the hall. Don’t play with your food. Don’t read the next sentence.  Negative commands, such as “don’t” and “no” require kids to double process. Kids have to answer two questions:

I)                   What does my parent NOT want me to do?

II)                 What does my parent want me to do instead?

That’s confusing and contradictory. For example, if you say “Don’t touch your brother,” a child has to stop the current behavior & determine the appropriate alternative behavior—If I can’t touch him, does that mean I can’t hug him? Can we play ? Can I give him a hi-fi? Can I help him put on his jacket or tie his shoes if mom asks? Instead of “Don’t touch your brother,” try “Use gentle touches when touching your brother” or “Your brother doesn’t want to be touched right now

4.     Do find opportunities for praise - Pay attention to what your child is doing. Take the time to listen fully to what they have to say, and agree when appropriate. The Parents who are available to, and show empathy toward, their children are serving as excellent role models.

5.     Say YES to YES - Think about it for a moment. What is your normal, knee-jerk reaction to the 10,000 requests you get from your child every day? “NO,” right? When you’re bombarded with requests, it’s difficult to sift through them in a meaningful way, so you just deliver canned responses—“No, not today.” “No, I don’t have time for that.” “No.” “Nope.” Look for reasons to say yes more often. Your “yes” answers will begin to surprise and delight your child and have them paying more attention when you ask for something! Instead of “No we can’t go to the park,” try “The park sounds awesome! Should we go Friday after school or Saturday morning?”

6.     Shorten your Speech - There’s a saying in the sales industry, “never sell with blah-blah what you can sell with blah only.” I think it makes sense in parenting too. When trying to get your kid’s attention, be as concise as possible and they won’t even have time to tune you out!

7.     Say Thank You in Advance - Help your kids make an appropriate choice by taking this leap of faith. Your preemptive “Thank you for hanging up your towel after your shower,” will encourage your kids toward good behavior. Letting them know, in advance, that you trust them to do the right thing will cultivate open communication lines and increase the likelihood the task will get completed.

8.     Empower Your Kid - State the facts instead of always issuing commands. Kids aren't robots programmed to do our bidding. They need to exercise their free will, which is why they often do exactly the opposite of what we ask them to. The trick is to turn your directive into a teaching moment. So instead of, "Put that milk away," you might simply say: "Milk spoils when it's left out." This approach says to a child, "I know that when you have all the information, you'll do the right thing.

9.     Ensure Comprehension - A simple way to ensure your child has heard you and that he /she understands is to ask her to repeat back what you said. Once you’ve made eye contact, shortened your speech, and clearly explained what you need your child to do, calmly ask your child to repeat back what they’ve just heard.

10. Make an Observation - If you see a task that’s been left undone, don’t dive in with a big reprimand, just make an OBSERVATION: “I see a jacket on the floor,” or you can ask, “What is your plan for taking care of the trash today?”  It’s enabling because it’s assumptive on your part that they can have a plan—and gives your child an opportunity to quickly come up with a plan in the moment if they didn’t already have one!

Final Reflections - Remember that “not listening” should always be a wakeup call for us. While it might seem like defiance or inattention on their part—it is more than likely a way to get our attention or express their need for power. Kids and adults alike have a need to be seen and heard. When this need isn’t met, kids will stop listening to us. It may sound counter-intuitive, but CLEARLY it works since it’s the number one complaint parents share!

References:

• https://softlavender.com/
• https://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting
• https://www.wikihow.com/Touch-Your-Toes
• https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/advice/
• https://themilitarywifeandmom.com/why-kids-wont-listen/
• https://health.clevelandclinic.org/discipline-5-dos-and-donts-when-your-kids-wont-listen/