How To Get Damaging People Out of Your Life

My first pregnancy was a twin pregnancy, so I went from having no kids to having two squalling demons destroying my rest. Did I say that? I meant two adorable, precious angels!

I remember saying to my neighbor one day "My husband and I feel like we've passed a big milestone now that the babies are three months old.

"They sleep through the night. We kind of have a handle on this parenting thing, at last!"

My neighbor laughed. "You have the first handle," she said. "That's good. There will be many more handles to get! Being a parent is constant learning. It never stops!"

My neighbor did not lie. Now our twins are 22 and full of new surprises. Their three younger brothers bring us more learning every day.

We are just as actively parenting our kids now as we were when our eldest two children were newborns.

Real life is full of learning -- we can't stop it! That was a big surprise for me. When I was young I never thought about what my life would be like when I was fifty, because that time seemed impossibly far away.

Now I'm over fifty and I'm shocked by the force of the constant learning - it doesn't stop!

At any age you can realize that you have people in your life, maybe even people who are significant to you, who don't help you.

They suck your mojo away and make you feel bad about yourself. Maybe it's a boss who puts you down. Maybe it's an old friend who is not so much a friend as just a person you've known for a long time.

Our client Ray was driving his wife Sarah and their seven-year-old daughter Elise to the pool one day. Sarah said "We're supposed to get together with Mike and Patty this weekend."

Mike is Ray's brother. Patty is his wife. From the backseat seven-year-old Elise suddenly shrieked "NOooooooo! Not Uncle Mike and Aunt Patty! I HAAATE them!"

Ray looked at Sarah. Sarah gaped. Then they both started laughing. Ray told us "My daughter told the truth. My brother is a huge pain and his wife is another piece of work. They bitch and complain constantly and they're no fun to be around.

"He's my brother so I felt obligated to get together with them all the time, but it really brings us down. I called Mike and told him I'm taking the girls out of town for the weekend."

When you take control of your life you'll take two concrete steps. One is to chart your own course. You won't say "I guess my job is all right. I guess my living situation is okay." You'll decide what you want and go after it.

Many people begin the process of deciding what they want for themselves by journaling. They think and write about the life they envision, and what they want to do and to contribute while they're alive.

They dig into the topic "What is my life supposed to be about?" and explore it, rather than going along with their day to day routine just because it's become their habit.

The second part of taking control is choosing your environment. You'll choose an environment that supports your journey!

The people you surround yourself with are the biggest determinant of your mojo level and thus the state of your fuel tank. There is nothing more significant in your environment than the people in it.

How can you accomplish your goals when you're wasting all your precious mojo on people who suck it away and give you nothing in return?

Ray took the step of limiting the time he and his family spend with his brother and sister-in-law, Mike and Patty. First Ray backed off on the frequency of his visits with Mike. That gave him room to breathe and gather his mojo.

After a few weeks of distance,  Mike confronted Ray on the telephone. He said "What, do I have a fungus, Ray? You don't make time for me anymore. I don't rate, or what?"

Ray surprised himself. He said "Mike, you're my brother and I love you but it's hard to hang out with you. You spend all our time together complaining about your job and the government. I can't remember the last time we just hung out and had fun."

"Well, I'm going through some stuff!" said Mike angrily. Ray was silent. He had never heard Mike open up about his feelings before -- not since they were kids.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

"I don't know," said Mike. "I'm forty and I should have a better life than I do. I'm really frustrated."

Ray reflected. In his own way, Mike was asking him for help.

"Let's have lunch this week," said Ray. "We can talk about it."

Many negative and bitter people are that way because they don't know how to scale the wall they feel is blocking them.

They don't feel that they have the power to change their lives. They don't  know how to begin.

Once he had his mojo under him, Ray felt up to the task of helping Mike see how he was in his own way. Ray was prepared to keep setting boundaries with Mike - something he had never done before.

We feel virtuous and long-suffering when we tolerate mean, angry or downright backstabbing people in our lives, but it's neither virtuous nor noble to do that. It's doormat behavior.

You are not a doormat! You can get damaging people out of your life, and you can set boundaries with the people you decide to spend time with.

We don't help unhappy people when we suck up their anger and resentment like a sponge. We try to absorb it but it keeps on coming!

We feel worse, they feel a little bit better, and we're knocked off our path. We owe it to ourselves and the people who rely on us to choose very carefully which people to spend time with.

There is no more important decision for you to make than who's allowed into your sphere. If your boss is the person who's crushing your spirit, you can start a stealth job search.

Your mood will improve the minute you begin that process. You won't spend all your mental and emotional energy trying to placate your boss anymore. You'll set your sights on the new boss out there waiting for you!

You can set boundaries with your mom, your sibling or your own spouse or partner.

Many people in reinvention end up getting out of their primary relationship during their reinvention process. They realize that a lot of their "stuck" feeling was related to their partner or spouse's desire for them to stay the same, despite their unhappiness, rather than to make changes.

It's easy to see why a spouse or partner would say "Don't change. Don't choose a new career. Don't discover who you are and get on your path. Keep everything the same!"

If you grow and evolve, maybe your spouse or partner will feel pressure to grow as well. That could be scary. Sometimes a partner is willing to let you languish in misery so that they don't have to look in the mirror themselves.

Here's a simple exercise that will help you identify which people in your life lift you up and which people bring you down. Take out a piece of paper and write the names of the five to ten people you spend the most time with.

Which of those people grow your mojo, and which of them crush it? Can you arrange your schedule to spend more time with the mojo-boosting people, and less time with the mojo-suckers?

You will be amazed at the positive change you feel when you take control of the human energy around you. Wait until you see how your learning accelerates then!

Song of the Day: Fooling Yourself by Styx

Questions and Answers

How did Ray gather his mojo to be so frank with his brother Mike?

Ray treated his mojo-recollection project as a high priority in his life. You can get your lost mojo back too! Join us in the Four-Week Virtual Course "Repair Your Battered Self-Esteem," as people all over the world have done!

Get the details and join us if you like, at this link!

 

Repair Your Battered Self-Esteem Course