How To Get Behind The Wheel Of Change

We all are going through some kind of a transition right now, yet we might not even be aware of it at all. We are not aware of how it is tearing us apart inside. Or not aware of how it is tearing us apart from those we love and care for.

That’s what happened to me last October.

My husband and I have just purchased a new car and, even though I was excited to buy a new car, as soon as my husband parked it in the garage, I refused to drive it.

I didn’t quite know why I wanted to hold on to driving the old car but, to be totally honest, part of me wanted to resist the change and part of me was afraid of driving the new car. It had new features I haven’t even heard of yet, let alone knew how to use. There was a button to do this and a button to do that. I couldn’t remember them all while the car salesman was showing us the new car.

Plus, I was afraid of driving an automatic. I have been driving a stick shift for over twenty years and I could drive it “with my eyes closed”.

My resistance to driving the new car was getting so bad that my husband started to get impatient with me. As his confusion and frustration grew, he was pushing me more towards an explanation as to why I was behaving the way I was behaving.

I am sure he started to doubt himself and his decision-making skills just like I started doubting myself. He chose that car to keep me safe, to help me reach new places in my life and in my business (to climb the steep uphill roads downtown Seattle) and to bring me joy. I knew he wanted the best for me.

Even though I was able to tell him about how I felt, I didn’t know why I felt that way and couldn’t shake the feeling of wanting to ignore this new car now parked in my garage while acting like nothing else had changed in my garage and in my life.

Until one day I was talking to someone about their transition process, and it finally hit me.

So often we think transitions are connected to big changes in our lives that most often we didn’t wish for or didn’t fully have control over them. Like a tragic accident, a passing of a loved one, a company’s layoff or downsizing, a medical diagnosis, a new president or government, a social upraising, or a war. Other times we think transitions are connected to big milestones in our lives that we actually wanted and had a say in them. Like getting married, graduating, getting promoted or having children.

All the above changes will be more manageable if we learn how to manage the transition.

What was happening to me was that I forgot that there’s a third category of events that also bring changes into our lives. These are the small changes that make up 90% of our lives.

I forgot that by not managing my transition, from the old car to the new car, I made the change unmanageable and, my husband would add, uncomfortable for everyone in my family.

Once I realized what I was missing, I got right to work – to work on myself and on my inner transition plan.

Here’s the transition framework I used to help me accept, get behind the wheel and get excited about the change in my life (my new car):

1.      End Zone: Letting Go Of My Old Identity
2.      Neutral Zone: Re-aligning With My New Self
3.      Start Zone: Choosing A New Beginning

End Zone: Letting Go Of My Old Identity

Every new beginning starts with an ending. Yesterday’s ending launched today’s success. And today will have to end if tomorrow’s changes are to take place. Endings are uncomfortable for all of us, but they are neither unprecedented past experiences nor attempts by others to make our lives miserable. 

This phase is about letting go of our old way and our old identity. It’s the end of a well-known period in our lives and we will experience feelings connected to losses. 

Each zone has a powerful question to propel you right into the work of discovery.

The question that propelled me into my end zone was:

Who was I when I was driving the old car?

My answers kept coming as soon as I allowed myself to identify with my old car.

I was European; I was a cool person; I was the daughter of a proud dad who loves cars; I was respected; I was recognized; I was accomplished and hard-working; I was adventurous, bold and courageous; I was a rebel; I was an immigrant; I was independent and free.

This car was the first car I have purchased in my life. When my husband and I bought it, I didn’t even like driving. But over the years I fell in love with driving. Sometimes I imagined I was a F1 driver who was shifting and accelerating and enjoying going from zero to sixty, and it felt thrilling. How facinating it is to move through space and time in a box of metal!

I have fun memories, too. I remember one time I offered a ride to a co-worker to one of our offsite teambuilding lunch events. When he got into my car and noticed that I was driving a stick shift he almost lost it. He was so surprised and shocked. And from that moment on he became my biggest advocate and ally and supported me during the rest of my corporate career.

During this process of letting go of my old identity I had thoughts like “The new car doesn’t even need me to drive it. It almost drives itself” or “I’ve worked so hard to get the old car, I am not ready to let it go or give it up!” I even thought about how “not needed” my left foot and my right hand would be. All normal thoughts that accompanied feelings of resentment, push back, withdrawal, loss of confidence, loss of competence, feeling out of control, lost and misunderstood.

What got me into the next transition zone was my realization that in order for me to achieve what I wanted to achieve at this point in my life required - just like many years ago when I said goodbye to my mom and got into the airport shuttle bus - my willingness to see this change as a puzzle piece to the big dream I had.

Only when we sail away from the shore can we discover new lands.

Neutral Zone: Re-aligning With My New Self

The new lands were calling me, and I wanted to explore again. But my old fears showed up at full throttle, like unexpected dinner guests that didn’t call ahead to let me know they were coming.

This transition phase is about discovering what we are afraid of while wanting something that is only available to us when we get to the other side of the change. It is like being in an emotional wilderness where everything is new and scary, and new and exciting at the same time.  It is where people remember their old fears and where most people abort the change, choosing to return to their old identity by finding a new place to live using their old ways.

This is also the phase where new habits are forming and where there’s the possibility to re-invent yourself. This is when innovation is most possible and re-birth is achieved. 

One of the most amazing periods of my life was when I took control of my own life at age 20 after learning how to re-engineer my life. It was one of the most freeing feelings I have ever experienced when I allowed myself to imagine a new me, a new self, and a new Andrea. Going away from the shore and everybody who knew me before meant I could become whoever I wanted in this new land.

But first the fears.

I started asking myself “What’s wrong with me that I don’t want to drive the new car?” and I sensed my husband and kids were asking the same question, without saying it out loud. All my fears of driving showed up and I questioned my ability to learn. A feeling of doubt and self-sabotage appeared, and I suddenly felt lost and stuck wondering “How come nobody gets it?” and thinking “I don’t know what to do next”.

Each zone has a powerful question to propel you right into the work of discovery.

The question that propelled me into my neutral zone was:

Who do I want to become while driving the new car?

The answers were clear and vibrant again.

I wanted to become adventurous, curious and a learner again. I wanted to go up steep hills and not be afraid of them anymore. I wanted to be able to take all my family members and be comfortable while traveling and exploring new parks, playgrounds, and nearby places. I wanted to be able to listen to audio books, new music and to sing Hungarian kid’s songs with my daughter.

All of these were important but the want that pushed me over my fears and to the other side of my inner battle was my wish to give the old car to my son to drive. I knew how much it meant to me to have a vehicle to drive to places. It wasn’t about driving away. It was about driving towards my new life while feeling free. I wanted him to experience life differently, do it on his own and be empowered to keep exploring.

Suddenly my fears seemed like far away mountains that didn’t rule the landscape anymore. The road was clear. I have found my reason to move through this wilderness and go to the other side.

My excitement increased and I could feel myself getting energized about “getting to know” this stranger in my garage. I could see myself becoming friends with my new car.

I started to see myself and my situation differently.

The world hasn’t changed at all. Only how I saw myself in it.

Start Zone: Choosing A New Beginning

This phase is about creating a new identity that matches who you are right now and creates the possibility to continue your growth towards the life you want to live. It is about celebrating the past, celebrating how far you have come, and honoring all your efforts and those who helped you get here. It’s about recognizing that you have been growing all along – even when you felt you didn’t - and making intentional plans to continue to grow. 

Suddenly the new car opened a new door to new possibilities. I could drive in sport more or snow mode or eco mode. I could reach places that I stayed away from. I could see behind the car using the backup camera. I could open the big sunroof and see the mountains as we’d drive through the beautiful Northwestern region.

Each zone has a powerful question to propel you right into the work of discovery.

The question that propelled me into my start zone was:

Who do I choose to be?

The answers were clear and calming.

I chose to be a mom, a business owner, a happy wife, and a woman who could drive both a stick shift and an automatic car. I chose to listen to music differently by learning new ways to connect to different music sources other than just listening to CD’s and FM radio. I chose to make phone calls differently by using the new car’s built-in Bluetooth system instead of my headset. I chose to use navigation differently by using the new car’s navigation system. I chose many different things, yet the one I am most excited about is that I chose to be proud of who I was in that moment.

Some of the thoughts that showed up during this period were: “Maybe I can try it for a while”, “This feels different but that’s OK”, “I’ve always wanted to try this / be this”, and “I didn’t know this was possible”.

At the beginning I felt slow, too careful, and maybe too calculated. But as I continued to move through this transition zone, I also felt grateful, appreciative, and ready.

It has been a hell of a ride the past twenty plus years, and I’ve never thought I’d come so far.

There’s something powerful about knowing you have the choice and the possibility to begin again. Yet this time I had with me the wisdom of all the things I’ve learned all those years, I had with me the amazing people that I’ve met all those years, and I had with me the experience of visiting all those places in the world that as I child I had only imagined and read about in books.

The new car got all the new and fancy apps and systems but don’t forget I know I got “updated and upgraded” myself, too.

Just like I know you got “updated and upgraded”, too.

Change is situational, transition is psychological.

We all are going through some kind of a transition right now, yet we might not even be aware of it at all.

Remember if you don’t manage your transition, your change will become unmanageable.

Dare to choose to live life differently.

To follow my work, visit www.andreaclough.com.

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