How to (Gently) Help an Ally Do It Better Next Time

Allyship can be a tricky thing. For clarity’s sake, allyship is when someone stands up for another person and shines a light on them, especially one who has historically been marginalized. When this happens, it’s usually a wonderful thing for both the ally and the recipient, but it’s not easy. No one is born knowing how to be a good ally. Sometimes an attempt to show up as an ally can have unintended (and unwelcome) consequences, despite very good intentions.

A woman recently told me a story that got me thinking about this subject.?She was speaking at a meeting and kept getting interrupted. A man interjected and said, “Hey, I’d like to hear what Susan is saying. Please let her talk.” A chivalrous moment, right? Not in Susan’s opinion. As it turned out, she was outright indignant that the man felt he needed to advocate for her. She said (to me, not to him), “Hey, I’m not a victim; I can take care of myself!”???

I get it. I’ve been there. And while I appreciate Susan’s perspective, I?also?appreciate when men try to be good allies. First, they noticed the problem. Second, they were willing to step up to address it. Third, they’re demonstrating to others what right looks like. My feeling is we should thank and encourage them—offer them a bit of grace for speaking out. But we can also consider educating them on how to “do allyship” better in the future.

Recently, I wrote about helping my husband, Chip, in this area. As I was promoting my brand-new book,?In Her Own Voice,?a family friend texted Chip to say,?“Your wife is out of control with the marketing texts, in my humble opinion.”?I was crushed. I really needed an ally at that moment, and Chip was happy to fill that role…he just wasn’t sure how.

First, he tried to talk me out of how I was feeling: “Why do you care so much about a comment from one person, amid 100 positive comments? Just ignore it.” That wasn’t helpful, as my Inner Critic had already invaded my brain, convincing me that I wasn’t a “real” author anyway and that I should downplay this significant accomplishment. Then I saw him typing a response to our friend: “She’s just trying to promote her book.” Also not helpful, as I didn’t want to be seen as pushing books on our friends.

I said to Chip, “What I really need you to say is that writing and promoting a book is really hard work, and you’re so proud of my efforts.” He understood and followed up with another text.?

My point? Chip wanted to help me—I just needed to?help?him help me. And he is not an isolated case. Throughout my career, I’ve worked with a lot of amazing men, and I know the majority want to be good allies. It’s just that sometimes they either don’t see the opportunity or they don’t know the right thing to do.?It’s up to us to (gently) educate them.?

(By the way, I’m not implying only men can be allies. So can women—and we can also do a lot more to become role models of great allyship to each other and to other underrepresented groups!)

Here are a few tips on how to respond to an allyship moment gone wrong:?

1. Take a step back and think about how you’re feeling.?Did the person’s words make you feel “less than” or position you in an unflattering way? I recently had a male colleague start out a briefing at a conference by saying,?“I’ll give Jennifer the credit for taking good notes so I can do the report.” Obviously, I didn’t want to be publicly positioned as “the notetaker.” Getting clarity around your feelings will help you better explain them to the would-be ally.

2. Don’t publicly embarrass the person.?Anne Chow,?the?first woman of color CEO?for AT&T, talks about how she handles microaggressions. She quietly pulls the person aside and explains, “When you said this, here is how it made me feel. I don’t think you meant to have that happen.” She says they almost always apologize and thank her for educating them.

3. Assume good intent.?First, thank them for wanting to help. Then?give them grace by saying, “I don’t believe you meant to do this at all. I know you’re not that kind of person. I just thought it might be helpful for you to see what it felt like on this end.”

4. Share what you want them to do next time.?Back to my “good notetaker” story for a moment. The man left the conference before I could speak to him. But what I wish I’d had a chance to say is this: “If you wanted to recognize me, it would have been better to say something like, ‘Jennifer and I had an amazing conversation yesterday, and I was fortunate that she took notes on our discussion. I’m going to highlight a few things we talked about, and then I’m going to ask her if she has any additional thoughts.’”

5. Acknowledge their position of power and privilege.?It’s okay to say, “Because you’re a man (or, perhaps, a white woman in an executive position), you probably haven’t considered how it feels?not?to be. That’s understandable. But it’s also why you’re in a unique position to really make an impact in this situation.”

Women who are seeking to advance in leadership need good men in our corner, because the make up far more of the leadership majority. Not only can they encourage us, cheer us on, and stand up for us, but they can also move on to become our coaches, mentors, and sponsors. Let’s make sure we’re receiving their help in the spirit it was intended—and let’s teach them to become even better at being the kind of allies who can truly make a difference in our lives.??

I’ve got an incredible group of male allies in my network, and I want to shine a spotlight on them, so others can see what good looks like!

Chip McCollum | David Scherer | Mark C. Thompson | Christian Seufert | Alan Mulally | Johnny C. Taylor, Jr., SHRM-SCP | Ron Carucci