How To Be A Gentleman: My Summary

I believe every mother and father would be happy to raise a gentleman. I believe every woman would be happy to marry a gentleman. I believe every boy would love to be told he is a gentleman.

How To Be A Gentleman is a straightforward and simple book about the manners, attitudes, and behaviors that make a gentleman.

Written by John Bridges, the same author of my previous review: As A Gentleman Would Say. This book is made for your modern man.

If you are looking for a quick read about how to be a better human (man or woman) this book fits that description. While at times this book seems a bit repetitive, it offers timeless wisdom.

Without any further blabbering, here is my quick summary of How To Be A Gentleman.

My Summary Of Bridges' How To Be A Gentleman

A gentleman does his best to be there when he is needed and to stay out of the way the rest of the time.

A gentleman says please and thank you readily and often.

A gentleman does not disparage the beliefs of others – whether they relate to matters of faith, politics, or sports teams.

A gentleman never allows a door to slam in the face of another person.

A gentleman does not make jokes about race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation.

A gentleman knows how to stand in line and how to wait his turn.

A gentleman is always ready to offer a hearty handshake.

A gentleman admits when he is wrong.

A gentleman does not pick a fight.

A gentleman knows how to make others feel comfortable.

A gentleman does his best to use his cell phone in the most unobtrusive manner possible.

A gentleman knows that incessant use of his cell phone can only make it clear that he values the person on the other end of the phone more highly than the persons who are in his company. He does not force others to listen while he negotiates, makes plans, or recreates the past. If a gentleman finds that he truly must initiate or receive a phone call while he is in a public place, he moves to the place where he is least likely to become a nuisance to others.

A gentleman says “excuse me” before answering a call.

Because he respects other people, a gentleman always shows up on time.

A gentleman does not hesitate to screen his calls when in company.

A gentleman knows that the gym is a place for working out. In the gym, a gentleman does not hog the weights. A gentleman waits his turn. A gentleman does not grunt. He does not shave at the gym shower.

At a funeral, he keeps his remarks simple out of respect for the grieving person.

If a gentleman is lost, he admits it and readily asks for directions.

A gentleman uses his turn signal, does not tailgate, does not run yellow lights, and parks his car carefully.

A gentleman does not condescend people who do not speak English. He simply says, “I’m sorry but I’m not quite sure I caught that. Is there anyone here that could help us out?” There will ultimately come a point at which the gentleman will have to say, “It’s been awfully nice meeting you”. A nod of the head as a kindly farewell serves well in almost any language. A gentleman is patient and treats the non-English speakers with all due respect.

He knows that arguing with an anonymous person on the other end of a telephone line will get him nowhere.

On a flight of any duration, a gentleman does not attempt to force his fellow passengers to engage in conversation with him. A cordial, “Hello, how are you?” is all he really needs to say.

A gentleman does not begrudge the other team its victory, nor does he taunt the opposition.

If a gentleman borrows another’s property, he sets a deadline to which he plans to return it. He keeps to the deadline and returns the property in good condition.

A gentleman does not pick up other people’s babies unless he is invited to do so.

A gentleman never feels that he must say pleasant things about unpleasant people.

If a gentleman must leave the dinner table, he simply says, “Excuse me”

Whenever a gentleman sends an email, he is careful what he says. Emails may easily be forwarded to hundreds of people. He does his best to make sure the recipient of the message will understand precisely what the gentleman meant to say, and the tone in which he meant to say it. A gentleman never sends an email in a fit of anger. Angry emails are all too often shared and forwarded. Apologetic emails seldom are. An email will not equal the thoughtfulness or graciousness of a handwritten note or a voice-to-voice call. A gentleman always adds closure to indicate his message is done with his name at the bottom. A gentleman is wary of hitting the reply all button. He does not clutter up the inbox of dozens of others with a flip little “ok” or “Works for me!” message that actually pertains to only one person.

A gentleman knows how to make a grilled cheese sandwich at 2AM and an omelet at 7AM. (this is one of my favorite lines)

A gentleman always glances behind him when he walks through a door. If a gentleman is approaching a door ahead of another person who is burdened down with packages, or if the door is a heavy one, he offers his assistance, without comment, and without waiting for a “thank you”.

Whether he is walking on a sidewalk, hallway, or flight of stairs, a gentleman always keeps to the right.

On a rainy day, a gentleman will extend a hand to help anyone over a mud puddle.

No matter his age, a gentleman does not let his pants slip below his waist.

Unless he is a Texan, a gentleman does not wear cowboy boots with a suit.

A gentleman’s pants cuffs fall in a gentle break over his shoes. When he stands, his socks do not show.

A gentleman does not carry unnecessary paraphernalia in his pockets. A bulky key ring or a swiss army knife destroys the line of even the most expensive pair of slacks.

Black shoes are considered more formal, businesslike, and serious than brown shoes. No matter the fashion trends, he never wears brown shoes to a funeral. A gentleman owns at least one pair of black lace-up shoes.

A gentleman considers cologne to be intimate apparel. It should be saved for a surprise with people he makes close physical contact. A dab on either side of the neck is quite enough. Any time a person can identify the brand of scent that a man is wearing, he is wearing too much.

When the weather is cold, a gentleman wears gloves.

He takes his clothes to the dry cleaner as seldom as possible, knowing that chemicals, no matter how gently used, will shorten the lifespan of his wardrobe.

A gentleman puts his winter clothes into storage for the summer months.

A gentleman’s socks always match or at least complement his trousers.

A gentleman feels no necessity to wear socks after Memorial Day (at least in casual situations), but a gentleman resists any temptation to wear linen before Memorial Day.

A gentleman doesn’t wear his hat inside most public buildings. He removes his hat when making personal contact with another person. In no case does he wear a hat as he eats a meal, even if served at the bar.

If the gentleman feels the urge to color his mustache, he shaves it off.

Once after the age of 10, a gentleman ties his own ties.

A gentleman never wears a tuxedo before 5PM. His tuxedo is always black.

A tucked-in shirttail is timeless

Tipping is a delicate matter that concerns only the gentleman and the server. He does not brag about leaving a generous gratuity. If the service has been inferior, a gentleman does not inform his companions that he plans to leave a less-than-sizable tip. To recognize good service, he leaves at least 15% of his total bill. Excellent, attentive service justifies a tip of 20%. If the service has been minimally acceptable, however, a gentleman may leave only 10%. A gentleman’s goal in tipping is to be appreciative and appropriate.

If a gentleman and his fellow diners are all served at the same time, he until the lady lifts her fork to eat.

If a gentleman’s meal is slow to arrive and others have been served, he urges them to go ahead and means it.

A gentleman does not stack his plates at the end of the meal.

A gentleman does not cut up all his food at once.

When he is done eating, he places his knife and fork side by side as if they were the hands of a clock set at 5:25.

When the first course arrives, he uses the fork that is the farthest away from his plate. He proceeds in the same manner throughout the meal so that by the time dessert rolls around, he will only have one fork, spoon, or knife left.

A gentleman respects the dietary restrictions of others.

A gentleman does not lean back in his chair.

If a gentleman is on a diet, he does not talk about it at the table.

A gentleman orders a wine he likes or suggested by the server or companions. When suggested wine is out of his price range, he orders something else with no apologies. A gentleman may feel at ease ordering any wine he likes. A gentleman may wait for the server to return to refill glasses or he may take care of that duty himself.

A gentleman does not talk with his mouth full.

A gentleman never crunches ice in company.

A seated dinner is not a debate tournament.

A gentleman never drinks a cocktail through a straw.

After a gentleman takes his seat at a dinner table, his first action is always to place his dinner napkin in his lap. When a gentleman has finished his meal, he loosely folds his napkin and places it to the side of his plate.

If a gentleman must park his own car at a restaurant, or any other place of entertainment, he offers to let his passengers out at the door.

There are certain questions a gentleman never asks: “How do the two of you know each other?”, “You don’t remember me, do you?”, and “Are you going to eat all of that?”

A gentleman does not brag.

A gentleman does not whine.

A gentleman does not beat around the bush.

A gentleman never knowingly insults another person.

A gentleman accepts a compliment by saying, “Thank you. It’s nice of you to tell me that.”

A gentleman need not attempt to engage every person he meets in extended conversation. However, to prevent awkwardness, he begins with positive, noncontroversial subject matter. He may begin by asking a question that focuses on his guest. If he finds the conversation is getting nowhere, he gives up the quest lest it appear he is attempting to pry.

At a large gathering, a gentleman does his best to not leave himself standing alone. If there is a bar or a buffet table, he moves towards it, giving himself the best chance possible to make human contact. He may break the ice by simply saying, “May I step in beside you here?” or “This is a nice party, isn’t it?” or “I’m _____ from _____”. If a gentleman makes this sort of good-faith effort, only to find his new acquaintance clearly has no wish to strike up any sort of civil chatter, he does his best either to move on or to grin and bear his way through the remainder of the evening.

A younger person is always introduced to an older person. He introduces the man to the woman. He feels free to add some detail to stimulate conversation.

A gentleman makes every effort to pronounce names clearly.

Always make introductions, even if he makes a small mistake, he has not committed the more serious mistake of being rude.

A gentleman knows it is always safe, especially on first meeting, to address a new acquaintance as Mr or Mrs. Once they have told you to call them something else, do so.

When talking on the telephone, a gentleman takes responsibility for ending any conversation he has begun. If a conversation is taking place in his office, he takes responsibility to end it. He may simply say something as simple as, “It’s been very good chatting. I hope we get to talk again soon.” Or simply stand up and thank his guest while extending his hand. At a party, a gentleman may end a conversation by saying, “It’s been pleasant talking to you, I’d like to freshen my drink.”

A gentleman gives direct answers, but that is not the same thing as being blunt.

When a gentleman has been subjected to a conscious insult, his response is simple: he says nothing at all.

A gentleman knows it is always best to keep an apology simple.

A gentleman’s apology is direct and to the point. He may say, “Sam, I’m afraid I said something rude to you last evening at the ball game when we were joking about the color of your shirt. I didn’t mean to give offense.”

In making an apology, a gentleman doesn’t downplay his error, neither does he theatricalize it.

He does not offer an insincere apology if he has done nothing wrong. When a gentleman inconveniences another, he says “Excuse me” not “I’m sorry”.

A gentleman never says sorry unless he has given offense.

A gentleman monitors his own language and grammar scrupulously, making a conscious effort to avoid certain particularly heinous gaffes. A gentleman doesn’t say “aint”. A gentleman does not end a sentence with the preposition “at”.

When expressing sympathy, the simplest statements are the most eloquent. It is never wrong to write a thank-you note. A handwritten note, is the only option.

It is useless to make a complaint unless it is made to the right person. When making a complaint, he describes the reasons for his displeasure.

A gentleman only argues over an issue that could save a life.

A gentleman never claims to have seen a movie or read a book that he has not seen or read.

A gentleman knows that “please” and “thank you” are still the magic words.

If a gentleman is in financial distress, he does not bore other people with the details. If he is flush with cash, he leaves that out of conversation as well.

A gentleman never asks a woman if she is pregnant.

A gentleman thinks before he speaks.

A gentleman does not give BYOB parties.

A gentleman does everything in his power to entertain his guests. He knows that his goal is to put them at ease, not to impress them.

He stocks his bar with libations people actually want to drink. He makes sure he has ample ice, a variety of mixers, sliced limes and lemons, a jigger, a stirrer, and tall stack of neatly pressed napkins.

A gentleman never leaves his own party, except in a dire emergency.

It is safest to have at least five pounds of ice per guest at a cocktail party.

If he feels he must take away a guest’s car keys, he does so.

If a gentleman wants his guests to leave, he puts the liquor away.

A gentleman uses his good china.

If a gentleman discovers that he has made the mistake of inviting ill-mannered people into his home, he does not reform such behavior. He just does not invite them back again. A gentleman does not make excuses for his misbehaving guests. He may wish however to offer an apology.

From start to finish, hosting a party is a one-man job.

A gentleman considers any invitation an act of generosity and kindness. He accepts or decline it as promptly and as graciously as possible. A gentleman knows it is rude to weigh one invitation against another. Unless he foresees an unavoidable scheduling conflict – or unless he finds the company of his host or hostess, of the company of their friends truly unbearable – a gentleman does not turn down invitations. He declines their invitation politely, saying, “I wish I could join you Morris, but I already have an engagement that evening.” Even if he merely plans to stay home and watch a rented movie, that still constitutes an “engagement”.

A gentleman does not crash parties.

An RSVP requires a reply. If a gentleman must decline an invitation, he gives a straightforward reason for doing so. A gentleman does not lay down conditions for his accepting an invitation. He does not ask, “What will you be serving?” or “Who else will be there?”. A gentleman makes it clear that he knows what time he is expected to arrive and where he is expected to be. If he must decline an invitation that he has already accepted, he promptly lets his host or hostess know. Accepting an invitation is like signing a business contract.

When a gentleman is invited to another person’s home, he takes a gift. A gentleman always presents his gift directly to his host or hostess.

“Casual” dress varies with the season: Summer is polo shirt and shorts, Jeans and sweater for winter.

“Business casual” suggests a button down without a tie and a sports jacket.

“Semiformal” requires a dark suit and tie.

“Black tie/Formal” dictates a dinner jacket and either vest or cummerbund.

“White tie” demands a tailcoat and patent leather dancing shoes.

If he is not certain of dress code, he simply asks, “what do you think the other guests will be wearing?”

A gentleman is never the first or last at a party.

He is always excited to meet as many people as possible, and he assumes that a great many people will enjoy meeting him too.

A gentleman always uses a coaster.

When offered a name tag, he puts it on.

At some time, he will be asked to make a toast, if asked, he must not refuse. He may choose to share some memory of his friendship with the honoree, or if he is confident of his skill as a humorist, he may toss off a lighthearted quip. In no case does he attempt to embarrass the guest of honor. Neither does he ramble on at any length. The wisest course is always to be succinct.

If a toast is being made, he always raises his glass (never an empty glass).

While a gentleman may be seated next to a boring person, the person next to him is never seated next to a boring person.

A gentleman never gets so big that he can feel free to say or do something that makes other people feel small.

A gentleman does not lend more money than he can afford to spare.

He does not borrow more money than he can afford to pay back.

If a gentleman says he will call, he lives up to his word.

A gentleman is happy to accept “no” for an answer – the first time he hears it.

When shaking hands, a gentleman firm grasps the other’s hand, just below the knuckles, and gives it a couple of modest pumps. He uses a light, painless grip and lets go immediately after the handshake is finished.

A gentleman never extends his hand to a woman first. It is always her prerogative to decide if she wishes to shake hands.

A gentleman never refuses to shake a hand that is extended to him.

A gentleman stays away from sore subjects.

A gentleman does not assume everyone believes what he believes.

When a gentleman is walking through a crowd with a woman, he walks slightly behind her.

If a friend stands up to greet him, he urges them to sit.

A gentleman feels free to send flowers to mark almost any occasion, happy or sad. He does not send flowers for coworkers to their home.

When there is a woman on the premise, a gentleman puts the toilet seat down.

A gentleman is not afraid to carry breath minds. Neither is he reluctant to offer them to other people.

A gentleman treats his host’s furniture and other belongings with the greatest care, even more carefully than if they were his own.

A gentleman attempts to fit into the household routine. Most important, he sticks to his arrival and departure plans.

If he does not approve of their behavior, he does not preach to them. Instead, he associates with them as seldom as possible.

He knows that a good friend, no matter how quirky, is worth holding close to his heart for life. (This is my second favorite line)

If his friends are recently divorced, he tries to maintain communication with both parties, but he understands that he is now friends with two people, not with a couple.

A gentleman never attempts to make a last-minute date, but if he gets tickets at the last minute, he does not neglect the opportunity to share them with someone whose company he enjoys.

A gentleman breaks a date only for reasons of sickness, death, or natural disaster. A gentleman never breaks a date by leaving a voice-mail message or via email.

He is scrupulously careful when attempting to help a friend improve his behavior. Unless his friend’s behavior is causing immediate distress to others, a gentleman does not correct his friend in public. The gentleman can say, as directly as possible, “Pete, I noticed that you were drinking your coffee out of your saucer this evening. That’s really not a very good thing to do.” A gentleman does not wait until a mountain of offenses has piled up before he gives his advice. Neither does he hand down broad, theatrical judgements. Ultimately, he knows that a good friend is to be treasured, not tormented.

Before he corrects anyone, a gentleman makes sure that his own advice is correct.

If he must raise a sensitive subject, he does so in the kindest, but most direct manner possible.

A gentleman may choose to take work home with him, but he does not assume that his fellow employees will do the same.

He accepts his work assignments with good grace unless they are in some way repellent to him.

If a gentleman feels the need to deny a request from his boss, he gives his reasons for doing so, with frankness and without delay.

Should a gentleman receive a bonus, he does not mention it to his coworkers.

On a job interview, he dresses as he would for a day at the office.

When a gentleman resigns from his job, he does not burn bridges.

After a job interview, a gentleman writes a thank-you note.

When managing others, he makes his expectations known and readily expresses gratitude. A gentleman does not neglect to tell his assistant, “Thank You”. He does forget to say, “Please”.

If a gentleman realizes that he is going to be more than five minutes late for a business appointment, he telephones ahead or sends a text or email. A gentleman shows up on time.

On a business trip, a gentleman does not abuse the privileges of his expense account. Unless his coworkers are doing the same, he does not bring his spouse or companion along on business trips. When a gentleman is traveling for business, he is scrupulous in keeping track of his expenses and retains all necessary receipts.

When a gentleman entertains a business client, it is his responsibility to pick up the tab. Although a gentleman is always careful in wording his email, he is especially meticulous about doing so in work-related situations. If it is potentially contentious or complex, he discusses it face-to-face.

A gentleman always writes in either black or blue ink.

When leaving a voicemail, he talks slowly and gives his number twice. He leaves a concise message and then gets on with his life.

He remembers that others can overhear his conversations.

He is content to drink his beer from the can or bottle as long as he uses a cocktail napkin.

A gentleman makes a will for his own peace of mind and out of his consideration for others.

If a gentleman is a citizen of the United States, he does not bow or even not his head to another country’s ruler. If he is wearing a hat, he removes it.

If he is invited to the white house, he must not refuse.

A gentleman never makes himself the center of attention.

His goal is to make life easier, not just for himself but for his friends, acquaintances, and the world. Because he is a gentleman, he does not see this as a burden. Instead, it is a challenge he faces eagerly every day. (my third favorite line)

Conclusion

Being a gentleman is all about making everyone else feel comfortable. Say what you mean, keep your word, be agreeable, and blend in with the crowd.

While our world has somewhat changed since this book's original publication, most of it is still great advice. Or at least, it isn't bad advice.

This book won't help you get to the top of the corporate ladder, but it will help you make friends and acquaintences who appreciate you.