HOW TO GENERATE RAPPORT

Rapport - an essential skill

Generating rapport with others is one of the most essential skills we can have in business and life. Isn’t it sad, therefore, that so we receive so little training and education on the skills that support it – when they can make such a difference to our wellbeing, as well as our success. 

But first let's define rapport. It can be described as a feeling of being 'close' to another person. A feeling of trust and acceptance - because we think they truly see and hear us for who we are. Another way of describing rapport is resonance - when people 'get through' to us so that we accept their authority, and drop the barriers we maintain with others. Without rapport, no one will be interested in the message we’re trying to communicate, or the service we want to provide. If we lose rapport, we also lose the chance to influence or to persuade others. If we want to influence others, we need also to be willing to be influenced. Which means taking on someone else’s perspective and wishes. So rapport does involve making an effort to step away from your own perspectives and agenda and step up to that of others.

Whether we’re an entrepreneur, a marketeer, salesperson, professional or parent, or working in any other role or sector, knowing how to develop rapport will improve our success with others, as well as our performance.

Here are five ways to build rapport with others: 

1. Enter their world.

Arguing or disagreeing puts you in an oppositional position with others. So to build rapport, it’s important to put negative emotions to one side, and bring in curiosity instead. Suspend judgement, and seek insight and understanding. Why is someone behaving in a certain way? What’s their motivation? What are they hoping to achieve? How can you appreciate their perspective, even if it’s different to yours? What’s their pain? Their hopes and dreams? If you don't know, find out. If you don't bother to ask these questions, and listen carefully to the information that's volunteered, you will not be able to build genuine rapport with others.

2. Listen actively

When we’re finding a relationship or a situation stressful, we often talk a lot. But the best way to get our point across, and get heard, is to listen. In fact, listening is the best way to build rapport and trust. Listening creates understanding, and makes the other party receptive to our message.The best way to listen actively is to stay with the same topic the other person has introduced, and ask ever deepening questions based on their response.Here’s an example:

 A (Anna): “I haven’t been here for ages, and it’s good to be back.”

(B – Barney) Active listener: “When was the last time you were here?”

A: “Oh it was for my friend J’s birthday. We had such a great time.”

B (with enthusiasm, matching energy): “Sounds amazing! What was it that made it great for you?”

A: “Janine and our other friends hadn’t met up for ages as a crowd, and I’d forgotten how much fun we had together.”

B: “That must have been brilliant! What makes it fun when you’re together?”

A: “Well we often seem to end up teasing each other and falling about laughing…..”

B: ‘I love it when that happens! There’s nothing like laughter to make you feel great about life…..so what things do you tease each other about?”

At this point, the subject can change, as more than 3-4 active listening style questions focussed on the same subject can start to feel uncomfortable. It’s a bit like a communications 'dance', where one person is allowed to lead until the leading becomes predictable - then the other party needs to bring in some originality. When rapport needs to be built, think about Pareto’s Principle, or the 80/20 rule. Listen 80% of the time, and comment or respond 20%. 

As you can see, in the example above, ‘B’ is paying ‘A’ a clear compliment – that of focus, interest and attention. Which is why A will be feeling relaxed and increasingly engaged. Rapport is being built. Active Listener is also emphasising similarities in the statement “I love it when that happens,” and we always LIKE people we feel are LIKE us.

3. Embrace the other person’s point of view

As mentioned earlier, when we stay entrenched in our own position or ‘story’ (as we all tell ourselves ‘stories’ constantly - mostly to justify our difficult feelings), we’ll struggle to generate rapport with others. It can be helpful therefore, if a challenging encounter with a third party is looming, to put some effort in advance into trying to appreciate and understand their wishes and perspective. We should try to think what they might like the outcome of our encounter with them to be. Understanding another’s needs and desires drives us towards win-win outcomes, and also helps us make the shift from judgment or negativity to compassion and forgiveness.

4. Match and Mirror postures and gestures

When we’re with people we care about, we ‘match and mirror’ naturally. Acquiring the skill to do this with people we don’t necessarily feel as close to, increases our capacity to create rapport with them. 

When we match and mirror, we don’t just listen with our ears, we listen with our whole selves – using every sense and our multiple intelligences. We’re fully attentive to and ‘present’ for the other person. 

We match and mirror by observing the other person’s gestures, and reflecting them, without copying obviously. Are they leaning towards us or away from us? Are they using flamboyant hand gestures, or gazing deep into our eyes? Observe how they’re standing, sitting or moving, and then adopt similar posture and gestures. But be careful – do it subtly, or they’ll pick up on what you’re doing and lose trust. 

This may sound manipulative but the intention is what makes the difference. If you intend to manipulate – sure - matching and mirroring can be ‘manipulative’. If you intend to generate rapport with sincere and honourable intentions, you can use matching and mirroring to achieve this too. Of course I would only recommend matching and mirroring if it aligns with your truth and good character. Manipulation and insincerity are usually detectable by intelligent people, and will quickly lose you both trust and rapport.

5. Respond to energy levels

What is the energy level of the other person? Are they quiet and reserved - or lively and outgoing? If they are naturally quiet and low key, they can perceive you as too confrontational if you come across as animated or lively. This will decrease rapport.

Remember the golden rule: people like others who they think are like them. So be low key with people who are also low key. More upbeat when you're with extraverts. Of course, not everyone finds it easy to have this chameleon like ability. That can be because they're hung up on the idea of 'being them'. Responding to another person's energy level is simply a social skill like any other. It should be dialled up and down depending on the need.

6.Adopt a similar tone and rhythm of voice

To build rapport, we'll also need to match and mirror tone and rhythm of voice. How is the other person speaking? Fast or slow? Brief and to the point, or rambling and waffly? Loud or quiet? Full of expletives - or discreetly polite? Raise your voice or lower it to match theirs. Make your sentences short or long - like theirs.

Never, ever talk over or interrupt someone, unless they do. In which case it won't be a rapport building 'conversation'! Think 2 drunks with a 'tinny'! It's about as good as it gets........because if you let others dominate, your mutual rapport will be unravelling fast.....Talking over someone, and jumping in before they've finished talking, annoys people. Don't do it unless you want them to dislike you. And don't let others do it to you.

Point out, firmly but gently, to someone who is attempting to dominate the conversation by interrupting and talking over you, that unless they listen to you too, there is no conversation to be had at all.

7. Extend matching and mirroring behaviour to written communications like email or text.

Brief texts? Meet me at 10? You respond: Sure, see you then.

Long texts: Hey, really looking forward to seeing you! Is 10AM OK for you - I may be a few minutes late as I have a meeting beforehand.

You respond: Hey, can't wait to see you! No problem about your meeting, just come whenever you're ready. I'll be there.

8. Make Empathic Statements

Empathic statements keep the focus of the conversation on others.There’s a simple formula for this, which is: "So, you... " This keeps the focus on the other person and lets them know you are paying attention to them. For example: "So, you feel things have gone well for you this week?" Or: “So, you think it’s been hard to get things going in the way you’d imagined?” and so on……

The "So, you... " formula ensures that the focus of the conversation remains on the other person. 

9. Use Empathic Presumptives

The empathic presumptive is when we are either moving towards a sale or directing the outcome of a conversation. It draws additional information from the other person, by presenting a fact, but leaves the interpretation of the fact to the other person. If the presumptive fact is true, the third party will add new information to the conversation, or correct the presumptive. 

For example, you could say: “So you’re looking to go on holiday next month?” The other person could say: “No, I’m going to wait until May because the weather’s much better at that time in XX.”

Or: “Yes, I love to avoid the crowds, and that’s the perfect time of year to do it.”

At this point we are presented with the opportunity to explore the conversation in more depth, because we can ask: “So - does ‘better weather’ mean warmer or cooler for you?” Or: “ So - what is it you don’t like about crowds?” This is when we move empathic statements into active listening and begin the rapport building process. Remember the word ‘so’ and use it – clarifying and extending the discussion.

10. Be Consistent - Deliver on Promises.

People often don't realise how much trust is eroded by making a commitment and not sticking to it. Therefore always be mindful not to 'people please' by promising too much and then underdelivering. To build rapport, it's always better to promise very little, and either over deliver, or delight and surprise by doing something great that hasn't been promised at all.

Trust can erode through small 'fails' - such as arranging a time for a call and then not showing up for it. Saying you'll pick up some groceries on the way home and not doing it.

Every commitment to another person is a rapport building opportunity. We spot and respond to patterns in people. The more consistently someone behaves, and the less they 'let us down' by failing to deliver on their promises, the more trust and rapport we will build with them.

11. Use Rapport to Stand Out.

Rapport building behaviours create a win-win. The other person knows you are remaining focussed and attentive to their needs, and ultimately this is what rapport is all about – stepping outside your own needs and stepping into someone else’s. If you don't feel rapport with someone, or if you're feeling increasingly disconnected, the likelihood is they're not demonstrating the behaviours described in this article.

Many people expect others to 'take them as they are'. This is the lazy approach to relationships and rapport building. Some get away with it because they've achieved sufficient status in life for people to always want to be around them. Many wealthy and successful men, for example, are egotistical and notoriously bad at rapport building. They may have many 'hangers on' and family members who are enjoying the material benefits of their association with them, but it doesn't others truly like, trust or feel good about them. This often leads to situation where the wealthy individual is just used and exploited by everyone around them, which is truly sad.

No matter what your status or material wealth, for someone to feel good about you, you have to work at a relationship. In other words, adopt the principles and behaviours of rapport building.

12. Take the lead.

If a relationship is worth keeping, sometimes you have to take the lead, and show others how to build rapport with you. Lead by example, and be clear about your frustration if they won't move beyond 'small talk' or just talking endlessly about themselves.

Some people just won't 'get it'. The frustration will grow, and you will feel an ever increasing sense of disconnection creeping in. The important thing to remember is, as with everything in life, you always have a choice. Life's too short to be lonely. And building rapport with people who appreciate it and make the effort with you in return is the answer.