How to gain the respect of others

We may not like to admit it, but the fact is that most of us care about other people’s opinion of us; it’s inherent to life in society. We may sometimes wish we lived in a bubble, but since we are fundamentally social animals, we accept that our identity and reputation are formed through contact with our fellow human beings.

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The judgment of third parties about our worth, our merits or our performance is decisive at key moments in our personal and professional lives. Friends who recommend potential partners, talent managers who decide on a job, bosses who evaluate their professional colleagues and how much they’re going to be paid in their new position, panelists who decide the winners in competitions, and countless other situations are not only assessed on measurable facts, but also on the prestige we project, on the opinion others have formed of us or that someone has passed on.

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I’m sure that from time to time you’ve asked trusted colleagues or close friends for their opinion on something you have written, their verdict on a presentation, or an assessment of a decision you are considering making.

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But if you were to ask somebody you trust about their general opinion of you, assuming they would answer honestly, how would they rate you on a scale of 0 to 10, from worst to best, compared to other people they know?

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Obviously, our happiness shouldn’t depend on such a summary evaluation and, in fairness, it would be futile and even perverse to issue an appraisal of people in such terms, as if it were an abbreviated final judgment. Gauging the quality of a person is a nuanced exercise, and a good friend would rarely venture to formulate such a diagnosis. Nor would I recommend that you put them in that position.

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However, despite the complex and even unfathomable nature of our personalities, we still make judgments about others on an ongoing basis, educationally, professionally, politically, socially and emotionally. In addition, we also ask other people for their opinion about a mutual acquaintance.

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CEOs and senior managers are particularly reluctant to ask others for an overall assessment of their personality. Doing so, many believe, would expose their vulnerabilities, and bosses must project security and full self-confidence. But this kind of solipsism in senior positions can also generate a vicious circle, leading to distancing and a certain cognitive dissonance on the part of CEOs, which is sometimes alluded to as the loneliness of leaders, but which is really the result of self-isolation. In my experience, one of the most frequent reasons why boards of directors hire a CEO coach is to help them avoid the ivory tower syndrome.

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Many organizations practice 360o feedback involving people from different areas, but its scope and effectiveness has been questioned, as well as the undesirable effects it can produce.

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Some years ago, a colleague with extensive experience in management coaching, who has taught at several prestigious business schools, told me that, from his experience, less than 10% of us know how to accept negative feedback and draw conclusions for personal improvement. Unfortunately, vanity, resistance to change, stubbornness, mistrust and even fear cause most of us to ignore such advice, even if they openly accept it.

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On the other hand, although we ask others their opinion about our behavior or works, many times we do not want to know the truth, we seek acquiescence and praise. When we fall short of our expectations or fail in some endeavor, we do not want them to compound our disappointment.

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Among the many works of Arthur Schopenhauer is a short treatise entitled On the Art of Being Respected, a compendium of maxims on honor and respectability. The German philosopher argued that: "honor is the opinion that others have of us, and especially the general opinion of those who know something about us. And more specifically still, it is the general opinion of those who are qualified to give an opinion about us, who know our worth in any respect worthy of consideration."?

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I’m not sure how one would go about identifying the right person to give an opinion about someone. If we were asked to select such a figure, we would probably think of our parents, spouses, children and close friends, who generally adore us.

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In many situations, however, we are under scrutiny by more detached people, and as a result, their assessment is likely to be more neutral. Their opinion is especially relevant because, as Schopenhauer explains, it determines decisions that affect us and their own behavior toward us.

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To illustrate how an opinion about someone is formed, Schopenhauer turns to the Spanish Golden Age thinker Baltasar Gracián, who insisted that "things do not happen because of what they are, but because of what they appear to be". Appearances, as many think, are the basis on which we form a judgment about others. After all, we still do not possess the means to know what is really going on inside other people’s minds when they act. The problem with judging by appearances is of course that they can be false. In response, Schopenhauer explains that "a false appearance may deceive someone, but it will hardly ever deceive everyone", a belief I share, although one sometimes suspecting that the time it has taken to see through somebody has been used by the deceiver.

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Schopenhauer distinguishes between honor and fame. The former is made up of the qualities that others expect of us, which most of us possess, and therefore we are "no exception" to the majority of people, about whom a similar degree of honorability is presumed and taken for granted. Therefore, in this sense, it takes on a negative character.

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However, fame is of a positive or proactive nature, because it denotes attributes others lack.

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It is remarkable that Schopenhauer, who wrote his book at the height of the Romantic period, rejected the chivalric notions of honor that led many of his German contemporaries to settle disputes by means of duels. For Schopenhauer, honor has a fundamentally practical meaning, for example in the professional sphere: it is the opinion that others have of us.

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Understood in the sense proposed by Schopenhauer, honor provides us with that assumption of trust that others have in us, the minimum required to participate in society, maintain personal and commercial ties or develop a profession.

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Needless to say, honor is reciprocal in nature, and to the extent that we arouse respect in others, others will also expect us to be worthy of their trust. Most social institutions are based on this ideal of mutual trust, of the presumption of honor. The guarantee offered by honor is enormously profitable, and is the basis of any personal or professional bond. Logically, this honor can increase or decrease depending on the vagaries of a relationship.

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Schopenhauer’s idea of honor may seem outdated, which is why some business schools prefer to focus on fame, which is arguably closer to excellence. Attempts are made to identify and teach the paths toward fame, related to tangible achievements such as acquiring money, power, position and awards, as well as distinction in certain skills like intelligence, eloquence, honesty, generosity, or our impact on the environment by creating companies or civic alternatives.

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However, there can be no fame without first gaining the respect of others.

Building honor is a task we must undertake alone, depending on our circumstances, our vision of the world, values and ideas about relationships. Schopenhauer explains that the idea of honor that others have of us is immutable, regardless of whether we change, provided of course that we do not disappoint others’ idea of who we are.

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So what can we do to safeguard our honor?

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• Since appearances are so important, minding our manners plays a vital role in the opinion that others form of us.? Politeness, humor, and a willingness to openly recognize the achievements of others, while avoiding flattery, will strengthen the reciprocity mentioned above.
• Being positive in our relationships, with a wide range of people, will garner the best personal and professional results, and will strengthen our prestige with other people. Dividing the world into friends and enemies is a mistake and tends to make us more unhappy, as well as weakening our honor and undermining our chances of achieving fame.
• Avoiding misunderstandings prevents friction in relationships with others, both at work and in the private sphere. Many interpersonal conflicts arise from errors that, if cleared up quickly can help instill trust and friendship with those around us. In particular, written misunderstandings can be the most destructive: it is best to resolve them face to face.

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Charles de Gaulle is attributed as having said: "There can be no prestige without mystery, for familiarity breeds contempt". The general was right in the sense that in order to maintain leadership, given the importance of appearances, it might be preferable to reveal something of one’s inner workings than one’s defects. But as Schopenhauer explained, in the final analysis, honor will always shine through.

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?Photo above: "Respect", painting by Chantal Guyot (2011)

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