How Full is Your Glass?

I don't like to admit it, but I often see my glass as half-empty.

It bothers me when I feel this way, and I've been working hard to figure out how to change it. My recent foray into Stoicism has been all about learning to accept (and love) my life as it actually is. There is much to draw from the Stoics on this front; they believed that your perceptions are fundamentally in your control, and that it's up to you to decide how full or empty your cup is. The Stoics truly believe in mind-over-matter -- as in, if you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

This is easier said than done, of course. For me, there has always been a sense of not having done enough; like a bird chirping incessantly in my ear, I struggle with self-doubt, as if I'm failing to accomplish some unwritten plan for my life. And what is that plan, you ask? I can't say. I only know that often it feels like it's not what I'm actually doing.

Where does this feeling of inadequacy come from? It's a tricky question. Your sense of self develops from an early age and often reflect the messaging your parents gave to you about the world and your place in it. But it also reflects how you view yourself and how secure you are in the relationships you build with others. If you grow up in a chaotic, insecure environment where it is hard to trust what you have, you will always be wanting and needing more to feel like you have control. Those who are genuinely secure are more comfortable with who they are as a person and are more likely to trust the choices they've made. They are less prone to judging themselves by what they don't have or haven't accomplished, and tend to see their glass as half full.

As I've written here previously, my childhood was full of insecurity and chaos. It's always been hard for me to trust what I have, and to actually feel like I deserve what I've earned. So I'm often focus on what else I could, would or should, be doing. There is always more, different, and new; It's like trying to fill a glass with a hole at the bottom of it.

But here's the rub: Constantly looking for more keeps you from appreciating the life you have and actually keeps you from living it. As Seneca puts it:

"Expectations are the greatest impediment to living. In anticipation of tomorrow we lose today."

Your expectations are a reflection of what you desire for yourself, and there's nothing wrong with having a healthy set of goals for your life. But if some unknowable future overwhelms your present then you miss the life you are actually living.

Fixing this requires mindfulness and an active effort to live in the present. So be kind to yourself and give yourself some grace. We are all doing the best we can, and nobody has it all figured out. As Seneca said, "A wise person is content with their lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what they have not.”

Plug that hole and start filling your cup.

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Ken Davenport is CEO of?Mission Edge?and the author of?The Stoic Transition: A Guide.