HOW TO BE THERE FOR A FRIEND THAT HAS BEEN ASSAULTED

“Hey…

I went on a date 2 nights ago and was assaulted.

Not sexually, got knocked out but I am o.k.

Just needed to hear your voice. I can’t stop crying about it.”

This was an actual text I sent to a guy friend of mine this year.? Yes, 2022.

It took a couple of days to process what had happened.

In the meantime, my body was sore and bruises were surfacing.?

The next day,? I was in a supermarket and saw someone similar to my assailant and froze, trying to make out if it was him even though he lived an hour away.? I started shaking, bent forward feeling sick to my stomach and eventually tears involuntarily streamed down my cheeks.??

I knew this feeling.? I had experienced it before.? It was my body reacting to trauma.

Friends of those that are assaulted, I am sharing to help you be there for your loved ones by giving you an inside look into what they may be feeling and insight into what they may need from you.

After an assault of any kind, it is often followed by days of a deep fog that slowly clears.?

As the dark gray clouds of bewilderment start to clear, certain parts come into focus as screen shots that flash in your head,? some parts remain hazy, some are questioned as to whether what we see is truly what it appears to be.

As we process cognitively,? so does the reality of what happened get reinforced by the bruises and body soreness that increases daily.

I told my friend I didn’t want to talk about it but wanted to see him later in the week.? When the time came, he was nonchalant about getting together.

Truthfully, I needed to see him sooner than later.? I couldn’t stop having flashbacks, feeling embarrassed and vulnerable or stop crying. Every time I discovered a new bruise I would get sick to my stomach and want to hide under my covers.? I needed my friend to hold me and let me know I was safe.? Let me know it was going to be alright.? Let me know I was not alone.

I was not angry with my friend for not being there.? He had no idea what I was going through, no one does.??

Admittedly, it was hard not to distance myself from him because I needed him, someone, to be there for me and with me.? He is only a friend, not a husband or boyfriend, so where does that line get drawn in asking too much?

If you know someone that has been assaulted, I encourage you to be there for them. ?

What does that look like?

• No judgement, no criticisms, no accusations.? Just unconditional love.? They need to feel valued, respected and safe.??
• Boundaries are crossed during an assault.? Different people deal with that in different ways.? Being respectful with where they are at and how they process the event is critical!
• DON’T try to fix it men (I say men because that is your nature)?
• You can not.? It can not be undone.??
• Allow your friend to express their emotions (appropriately).? Let them cry on your shoulder, get angry and hit a pillow or? just sit holding them without saying a word, taking away the feeling of self-loathing and embarrassment.
• It is very important your friend does PROCESS and not SUPPRESS.? Encourage talking to a professional, when the time presents itself.? Initially, being there is important, but for healing and recovery long term, talking to a professional is very helpful and often vital.

The bruises fade, the defeated, emptiness feeling lightens up over time and some flashbacks lessen in occurrence but never in severity.

As a Survivor of sexual assaults, a gang rape and physical assaults,? as recent as last week,? I know this to be true.

It took a really long time to be able to express my needs.

I suppose this is progress.

-Diana Strong