How forgiveness can create more connection and harmony during shelter in place

How are you sheltering in place?

With less freedom and with many more family members at home together during this time due to shelter in place, this circumstance may be creating more tension than meaningful connection. For some, this additional time together may be bringing greater intimacy, care, and empathy, but for others, it may be adding salt to a resentment wound that has yet to be cleared and healed. This time of quarantine may be viewed as "shelter in place" or "shelter in prison." It all depends on our mindset. In trying times, we can use whatever arises as a path for practice.

As we prepare to slowly re-open our workplaces in the next few weeks, it feels like a very important time to ask ourselves, "How do I want to show up right now as a leader, as a partner, as a friend, with my team at work, with my family?"

Personally, I have been using this time of quarantine as an opportunity to take greater personal responsibility, shed the stories that keep me disconnected or stuck in patterns that no longer serve, and notice where I can create more connection and harmony with all people in my life. The following questions are ones I am asking myself daily.

• Where can I take personal responsibility?
• Is there an opportunity to invite repair?
• How can I be more vulnerable?
• Where can I forgive myself and others right now?
• How do I want to show up to create more connection and trust with this person?

When I notice rupture or disconnection in my life with others, I bring my awareness to the thoughts and questions above.

How to create more harmony and connection during Shelter in Place

The First Step is Awareness

The first step is to notice where there is a resentment, a narrative that is keeping me disconnected from the other (family member, friend, roommate, colleague, and/or partner)?

What story is keeping me stuck in being "right" or "in conflict" or "disconnection" right now?

The Second Step is Cultivating Compassion

Our mindset and our willingness to be compassionate and practice forgiveness towards ourselves and others will make all the difference in our ability to create greater connection and trust during this important time at work and home.

Compassion is our willingness to "be with" the difficulty with presence and kindness. For example, "Wow, my daughter jumping into my bedroom during my Zoom office calls is really challenging." How can you meet this challenge with kindness and presence? What kind of compassionate boundaries might be appropriate for working remotely? When we bring love and attention to anything difficult, the tension diminishes and we can open to compassion of ourselves and others.

The Third Step is Opening to Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the decision to free ourselves from the personal offense and blame that keep us mired in a cycle of suffering. In my experience, teaching at Stanford University and consulting with leaders, and companies on the topic of forgiveness, I have found people are often readier to forgive than we think — we just might not have access to the tools. Below are two mindful practices for self-forgiveness and other forgiveness.

Two Mindful Practices for Self-Forgiveness

1. Write a forgiveness letter.
2. For this practice, I invite you to write a forgiveness letter to yourself. Begin by writing on a piece of paper: Dear Self, I forgive you… Forgive yourself for all the times that you didn’t speak up, that you didn’t take good care of yourself, that you didn’t give yourself permission to name and claim what you want, that you didn’t hold healthy boundaries, that you didn’t say No, etc.
3. Create a loving phrase.
4. I find that if I am struggling to forgive myself or another, I bring in a loving phrase. You can try the one below, or create one that feels true to you. I am a loving person and deeply want the best for others. I forgive myself.

Forgiveness Has Layers

With these two practices we can discover that forgiveness has layers.

1. The first layer of forgiveness is internal: letting in emotions and thoughts to the surface to be seen, felt, and acknowledged with kindness. We must feel, before we can heal and release the narrative we’ve held onto.
2. The second layer of forgiveness is external: focusing on our experience of gratitude for the lessons we learn along the way.
3. The third layer of forgiveness is internal and external: beginning to cultivate compassion toward ourselves and those we are having difficult relationships with.

Forgiveness is a choice

When someone has crossed a boundary, the first emotion we will feel is anger, which is appropriate. The wisdom of anger is to protect, but if we hold onto the story of hurt and never allow ourselves to fully feel the anger and other feelings associated with the hurt, we wont be able to to open to forgiveness. The practice of forgiveness can feel totally counterintuitive sometimes. We think we find strength in our anger. But holding onto anger or resentment actually limits how we show up in the present because we are still feuding over the story. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or pardoning an offense. It means acknowledging the grievance and the feelings it creates, acknowledging that people are wounded, flawed, and messy—including myself, putting appropriate boundaries in place, letting go, and moving on.

We think we find strength in our anger. But holding onto anger or resentment actually limits how we show up in the present because we are still feuding over the story. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or pardoning an offense. It means acknowledging the grievance and the feelings it creates, acknowledging that people are wounded, flawed, and messy—including myself, putting appropriate boundaries in place, letting go, and moving on.

Forgiveness is a choice, it has a decisional quality to it. We can begin the practice of forgiveness by starting with ourselves and seeing how the motivation to forgive or not forgive can create increased or diminished resilience in one’s relationships.

Would you like to find the tools and skills to lead courageously at home and work during this time of uncertainty?

This week in the Embodying Courage Virtual Class developed for COVID-19, we will be exploring Week 3: Expressing Anger, Opening into Forgiveness. Join us this Saturday, April 25th from 10:30am - noon PST with myself, and my friend and colleague, Dr. Fred Luskin, author of Forgive for Good. Fred and I have taught for years on the topic of forgiveness.

When you register for this week's class, you will receive a recording of the LIVE interview, a powerful forgiveness mindful audio, and a BONUS interview with Fred and I. You can Register here, it is donation based so that all can attend and get the tools they need to lead courageously in times of uncertainty.