How to Flourish as an Introvert (And What Extroverts Can Do to Help)

As a kid I used to love the Smurfs. I had the figurines; I watched the show. I even bought their albums. (Yes, they had albums). One of my favourite songs was called “Silly Shy Smurf’. The line that sticks out to me even now was “Poor little, silly shy Smurf”. In writing this article, I had to track down the song. You can?listen to it here.?I was shocked by the lyrics, the first of which is “small, shy, oh my oh my, won’t even try, to make something out of themselves”. It goes on to proclaim “Tell him he mustn’t be shy…” Is it any wonder that I thought being ‘shy’ was a bad thing?

As I grew up, I became fascinated with personality assessments and behaviour change. I was introduced to the world of Myers-Briggs and their definition of introvert-extrovert. When I first took the assessment, I landed almost in the middle. I struggled to find the right bucket for me. I knew that I felt ‘shy’ in social situations and more comfortable with smaller groups of people I knew well. But my brain was still convinced that introvert = bad, extrovert = good. I liked to be around people. I was expressive with my thoughts (particularly when I felt confident in my opinions). How could I possibly be an introvert?

Fast forward to a few more years in the corporate world. The opportunity to take the assessment again presented itself. This time, I landed much more clearly on the introvert spectrum. Many people expressed surprise at that result, given my expressive nature. By that time, I had learned to hide my ‘shy Smurf’ from the world. I forced myself to adapt to an extroversion world.

These days, introverts are starting to make noise (in their introverted way). In Susan’s Cain book, Quiet, she reminds us that we live in a world built for extroverts.

“Our culture is biased against quiet and reserved people, but introverts are responsible for some of humanity’s greatest achievements.”

Both introverts and extroverts (and all those in between) have an opportunity to embrace neurodiversity; to recognize the strength in all styles. I had a recent conversation with Jo Rawbone, a Change Agent & Introvert Advocate.?She had some great advice for introverts:

• As an introvert you need to own it. Be prepared to talk about your needs without apology.
• Let people know the strengths you bring. Let them know that “it might work for some people but let me tell you about my strengths and maybe we can find a way to work that will play to those strengths”
• If you are being put on the spot before you’ve had time to properly process, use placeholders to give yourself time to reflect. You can say things like “that is a really interesting question” or I’ve never considered that before” to allow your brain to catch up.
• Ask for time to reflect, saying things like “I’d like to give that a bit of consideration so please come back to me” or “Can I come back to you this afternoon once I’ve had time to reflect”
• If you feel your energy draining (as often happens after too much interaction), consider a battery boost, like a quick walk or use of pressure points.

Check out the full interview here on?my podcast?and on?my vodcast.

But its not just up to the introverts to ‘exert’ themselves. Unfortunately, extroversion bias does exist. I spoke to someone today who told me that when they tell others that they are an introvert, the response is often ‘but you are so confident’ and ‘you are so good at your job’. As if being an introvert implied some level of incompetence.

We need the need the help of extroverts to help change this; to recognize our differences and allow us time to process. Often our contributions can be profound, if given the time. Some strategies for extroverts:

• Be careful of spontaneous meetings. Introverts tend to operate better with a clear agenda and time to prepare.
• Consider how you run meetings. Instead of capturing all the thoughts in one meeting, Allow introverts time to come back later in the day. “I’m going to hold this open until the end of the day, if anybody else has got any ideas, pop along to my office and share it with me”
• When interviewing new candidates, build in reflection time. We often put candidates on the spot and reward their ability to think fast. What if instead we asked them to reflect after the interview and provide their thoughts.
• Look at who you are promoting. Charisma is rewarded when sometimes it shouldn’t be. Instead, your leaders should be balanced for neurodiversity (in addition to other diverse characteristics).

Both extroverts and introverts have something to offer the world. Each can celebrate and leverage their unique strengths and avoid using these labels as weapons or excuses.

Thankfully the silly shy Smurf was wrong. Introverts can make something of themselves. They can change the world with their ideas, if only we give them the time, space and mechanisms to express it. I’ve learned my lesson. I no longer take life advice from small (minded) men lacking in diversity, whether they are blue or not.