How to fix the three biggest relationship mistakes? Three science-backed ways to solve

“It is complicated”; Myra updated her relationship status on a Sunday morning. Her friend Jasmine saw the status and realized that “there is always a story behind a story and there are obvious reasons behind a status update.” Jasmine decided to call Myra but then she changed her mind. She went to meet her instead as she knew there would be a lot for Myra to share. Both friends spent the entire afternoon together over lunch followed by several cups of hot coffee. Myra vented out her feelings and also realized the relationship mistakes she usually makes. Discussion with Jasmine not only reduced Myra’s stress but also helped her realize the top three relationship mistakes.

Psychological research in the area of close relationships finds a strong correlation between our overall wellbeing and our close relationships. Though our happiness does not entirely depend on our relationships yet mistakes in relationships decrease our happiness significantly.

Once we realize and accept our mistakes, it becomes easier for us to make minor adjustments and make our relationships successful. Let’s look at the top three relationship mistakes and ways to solve these.

Denying your own needs

You can’t pour from an empty cup. You can’t continue fulfilling others’ needs when you constantly neglect yours. When you keep denying your needs for long, you suffer from martyr syndrome. Initially it might make you happy but eventually you feel down and drained. In this mental state of frustration and boredom some people explode and some implode. In both cases damage is being done and your relationship suffers.

What to do instead

Rule 1: Prioritize self-care

Self-care is not about being selfish. It is not about neglecting others and their needs. It is simply about putting yourself first so that you can take care of others well without feeling down and drained. What are your ways of self-care and how often can you do it?

?Mistake 2

Compulsively trying to fix others

Do you often feel that you must take care of others or else they will be in trouble? Do you feel that you must fix others so that they can feel better? A compulsive need of trying to help others even if they do not need your help is a big drainer in relationships. Eventually people might accuse you of invading their space and making them feel suffocated. Some might even call you clingy and dominant.

What to do instead

Rule 2: Let others make their own choices

Remember that people are capable of making their life choices. You can offer help and it is up to them whether they need it or not. Be there for people but refrain from stepping into their life until and unless it is an emergency or you being asked to. Give yourself as well as others the much-needed space.

?Mistake 3

Trying to make everyone happy

No, you can never make everyone happy. If you try doing so, sooner or later you will be disappointed. Trying too hard to make everyone happy is a people-pleasing behavior and often it is not authentic. People-pleasers usually go out of the way to please others and by doing so they drain themselves. Since they do so much for people, they also start expecting the same in return and they get disappointed when they do not get the desired reciprocation. Because people's pleasing behavior is not genuine, it is difficult to sustain the relationship in the long term. Moreover, people around you might even call you fake and an opportunist as well.

What to do instead

Rule 3: Develop a stronger sense of self

Your value does not depend on others’ approval. People should not like you for what you do for them. Instead, you should be liked for who you are. Invest more in yourself. Learn something new, achieve a goal, pursue a hobby etc. Live a life that you would be proud of one day. Everything you want to do for others in order to make them happy; start doing those things for yourself. Be your best friend and a kinder friend. Have a happy life.

Published earlier in the newspaper tabloid "The Desert Trail"