How to be Feminine, Ambitious and Successful

Women sometimes struggle with how to be ambitious in ways that feel authentic. We’re often told we can’t be feminine and ambitious, both. In my experience, this isn’t true, but it does often require us to rethink what ambition means for us (and sometimes ‘feminimity’ too.) How can you get ahead, be your best feminine self, and succeed on your own terms? Read below for clues.

~ Dana Theus

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AMBITIOUS = 'B!TCHY?'

I often tell the story of when I (thought I) hit the glass ceiling, because I was denied a promotion without much meaningful feedback. I looked up through the glass and realized I didn’t really want to do what (I thought) I had to do to break through. So I quit, going out on my own and succeeding in a way that–for many years–validated my perspective of the glass ceiling as a barrier to my success.

But deep in my heart I harbored a fear that I just didn’t want it enough. I wasn’t tenacious and ambitious enough. I didn’t like thinking of myself that way, because, well, I am ambitious and driven and motivated by success. And I am feminine. But for a long time I felt conflicted, caught between my ambition and my femininity, unsure how to reconcile the two.

When motivation and femininity don’t work together

I realize now that I had fallen prey to the idea that ambition and achievement meant moving vertically up the ladder in a corporate context. To be clear, the vertical climb (e.g., more money, more authority, bigger title, more, more, more) is definitely one definition of ambition. But it’s not the only one. I’d also fallen prey to the trope, reinforced by some of my own experience, that women who were too “direct,” “straightforward,” “serious,” or “forceful” were b!tchy, and I didn’t want to be that.?

Coaching many women in more contemporary and varied situations, I’ve come to understand that the dog-eat-dog, masculine competitive style isn’t always the only way to “win” the vertical ambition game. It just happened to be the most obvious way to win in the company I worked for at the time. I’ve also learned that there are ways to be direct that fit more comfortably into the socially acceptable (and my own) definition of feminine.

Choosing my own definitions, respecting social biases

The path through, for me and many of my clients, turns out to be the path to authenticity that is navigated by making choices.?

• What kind of accomplishments and achievements are?meaningful to me??
• What kind of woman/person do I want to be??
• What social biases am I willing to confront and cause consternation in others with?

These are the questions I now ask myself and others, and it leads us to choose goals that matter. It also helps us focus on what risks we’re willing to take and which we’re willing to negotiate.

It’s tempting to say, “Screw social biases! Let my freak flag fly!” and sometimes I do, but I make it a choice. Why? Becuase some battles are simply not worth fighting so that I have a greater chance at winning the ones I care about.?

It’s not just about women

The ambition trap doesn’t just make it confusing for women to think about how to get ahead, it can be confusing for men, too. Many men are not particularly motivated by vertical promotion, either. And when they “opt off” the ladder, for example to support their partner or care for children, they often have to dig deep and think about what it means that they may be viewed by other men as “weak” or “unable to cut it.” They have to fight the social bias just as much as women do, reconciling their choices with whatever story the bias has planted in their heads.?

Bottom line: When it comes to deciding who we are, and what we’re wiling to do for what we want, we all face the same choices.

The gender gap in workplace ambition still favors men

In a world where we got to decide our own success, it might be this easy, but in our real-world workplaces, bosses and colleagues’ biases sometimes matter more than our own. This is particularly true behind closed doors when other people decide whether they even tell us about job openings in the?hidden job market.

And this is where the?gender gap in ambition can really work against women. We talk a lot about the “nice” vs. “ambitious” double bind women fall into more than we talk about some of the other binds, particularly when women turn down advancement opportunities to care for children, elders or themselves. There are many reasons to turn down promotions and other opportunities for career growth, but I find that women and their bosses don’t usually navigate these situations very well. The biased story that says, “You can get ahead or be a mom/caregiver/whole human, but not both,” is strong in both women’s heads and often in their mentors’, partners’, and supporters’ heads as well.?

However, when women and their bosses, partners, and mentors collaborate on discovering ways women with external obligations can continue to get ahead while “being there” for their personal lives, they often come up with solutions that don’t require the women to fall into the either/or bucket. Bosses can often find growth opportunities that don’t double their workloads, or get ahead at a more reasonable pace. Partners can choose to step in and take over more home and family responsibilities. I’ve seen it happen, and I know it can work, but it does require the women to “want it” enough to negotiate with these people to find the win-win.

That’s where ambition steps in to help. It may be a difficult conversation, but when you really want it, the drive to get it will power your way through.

COACHING QUESTIONS

Go deeper into this topic by setting your phone timer and spending at least ten minutes thinking/journaling on these questions:

• What kind of accomplishments and achievements are?meaningful to you??
• What kind of person do you want to be??
• What social biases are you willing to confront and cause consternation in others with? (i.e., what are you willing to risk to get what you want?)

Want to talk about it? Bring your thoughts on the above to our next?InPower Women’s Mastermind meeting where we’ll discuss this and more.?

NEXT MEETING: INPOWER WOMEN MASTERMIND June 19th @ 12pm Eastern

How to be Feminine, Ambitous and Successful at the same time

Join us to explore the realities of ambition and success for women. Yes, there are double standards that apply to you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be authentically ambitious and get ahead. Millions of women are doing it, let’s look at the obstacles we're navigating real time and share our mindset and strategies for navigating them! - Learn More & Register

POWER TAKES?

A nerdy peek into my research inbox this month.

How we used to think about women and ambition

And by “we” let’s be clear: we mean those in power, who were typically men. As recently as a decade ago, the prevailing mindset was that even though women?were making inroads into senior leadership, at some point, their interest would level off.?Research supported this: women new to the workforce expressed similar ambitions for promotion, but as they rose in the ranks, their confidence for achieving a senior-level role plummeted. In 2017, women were?less likely to try more than once for an executive role, believing the system was rigged against them. And women had good cause to be skeptical. In 2018,?LinkedIn research indicated that recruiters opened men’s resumes 13% more often than women’s, but hired women 2% more often when they did apply. This led to a certain amount of head-scratching from folks who genuinely?wanted women to succeed –?how can we get them to toss their hat into the ring for the Big Show??

Even today, not everyone wants us to succeed

Even though women have many allies at work, they can still pay a penalty for having a strong desire for advancement at work. Women who express their ambition overtly continue to face hurdles to acting upon their desire to achieve. Nearly 90% of high-achieving women?report negative consequences to ambitious behavior –? citing examples such as having their achievements downplayed, dismissed or undermined. Dubbed the “Tall Poppy Syndrome,” researchers explored how top-performing women were often “cut down” in some manner to minimize their accomplishments.?

Flipping the script on women and ambition

As often happens at InPower Coaching, we advocate for a shift in thinking on this topic, and research bears this out. The way forward for supporting women’s ambition throughout their careers requires a new mindset for those doing the promoting and developing in organizations. Researchers suggest that?companies step away from the male-gendered definition of “ambition,”?which tends to be an always-on, ever-expanding expectation of hours worked. For women (and men too!) a better career pathing plan is to not penalize employees for dialing back work responsibilities to take care of their personal lives. The authors write, “Rather than interpreting a period of career deceleration as a rejection of advancement, these intervals would be understood as inevitable and sometimes desired pivots that allow women to manage a suite of life-stage demands.”

COACHING TIP VIDEO

Ambition is part of your personal brand. Here’s a way to think about the double-bind of ambition and your authentic self through the lens of your personal brand.

Follow me on my YouTube channel and LinkedIn, for the latest InPower video clips and tips, (2-3 minutes tops) taken from these newsletters, blog posts, client advice and whatever I’m thinking of.

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How are you doing in your career? Are you where you want to be? Is everything hunky dory? Do you end every day at work glad to be alive? If every answer isn’t an enthusiastic YES! Then it’s time to do a career audit and see just how much “bliss” you’ve got in your work and life. It may even be time for a Worklife Reset to get yourself on track.

Yeah. I didn’t used to be able to say YES! very often either. And, to be honest, that’s a tall order for every day even now that I’m there, but it’s not a tall order for most days when you’ve gotten your career on the Worklife Bliss track. - VISIT LESSON

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LATEST POST ON INPOWERCOACHING.COM

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Key Takeaways

1. Understanding Gendered Ambition Norms: Many women feel pressured to choose between achievement and agreeableness due to societal expectations. Men often lean towards assertiveness, while women may prioritize niceness, reacting to and perpetuating gendered stereotypes.
2. Reframing Ambition: Ambition encompasses various motivations beyond vertical advancement, including personal growth, social connections, and making a difference. Recognizing these diverse motivations can help redefine success beyond traditional measures of authority and status.
3. Evolving Gender Dynamics: Women are increasingly ambitious, challenging the notion of a gender gap in workplace ambition. However, corporate cultures often prioritize competitive and vertical ambitions, hindering the recognition of alternative career aspirations.
4. Authenticity and Self-Knowledge: Navigating the gender gap in workplace ambition requires authenticity and self-awareness. By clarifying personal goals, remaining flexible in approach, and aligning actions with values, individuals can navigate stereotypes and biases to pursue their ambitions effectively.
5. Managerial & Employee Challenge:?Managers and employees need to recognize and manage diverse employee motivations, moving beyond traditional concepts of incentive structures that favor vertical ambition.

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Dana Theus

Executive Coach

InPower Coaching

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