How the feelings we attach to an event determines its meaning.

Today I am sad.

I recognise that I need to take ownership, responsibility and accountability for the feelings I have in reaction to an event taking place. This is because my feelings will determine the meaning that I give to that event and only I am in control of this.

Last Wednesday night myself and my wife sat down to watch an episode of All or Nothing on Tottenham Hotspur F.C. It is the first time ever that we have both enjoyed watching something to do with sport, and I was grateful we could move past the period dramas such as Pride and Prejudice (although I do have a secret liking to them). At approximately 8pm just as Jose Mourinho had given his rousing half time team talk my wife jumped up from the chair and cried out in a loud and panicked voice:

‘STEVE…….’

Now the only time she calls me Steve is when I am in trouble or something bad is about to happen (or usually both). I couldn’t recall doing something that would have upset her so it must have been the latter. So as I prepared myself for the bad news, hoping it wasn’t to do with the kids, she followed with:

‘the diamond has fallen out of our engagement ring’ – not what I wanted to hear but better than anything happening to the kids.

I admit my immediate reaction was one of anger because I knew there was next to no chance of finding it unless it had fallen out in the last 3.5 seconds, which it hadn’t. How could she lose it!!??!

Very quickly I realised it was not her fault at all and my mind flooded with all of the amazing experiences and feelings we had had together which had to do with that ring.

14 years previously I had saved every last penny I had on the planet as a broke sportsperson and finally had enough money to buy a half decent ring to ask my childhood sweetheart to marry me. I had arranged for her best friend to come to Hatton Gardens with me because I didn’t have the courage to choose the ring myself and clearly needed someone to blame had Eleanor turned round and said she didn’t like it. I had plucked up the courage to go and ask my now mother-in-law if I could have her daughter’s hand in marriage and the many more incredible experiences we had in association with the ring – not least our wedding day.

After taking off every pipe from every sink in the house, emptying all the bins, and turning all the lights off to the house and going around with a torch to see if something sparkled in the light, the reality set in that it was probably somewhere in the mud in the woods and fell out on the dog walk!

All those memories gone and all we were left with was an empty ring.

Now fast forward 24 hours (to the nearest minute) and I was driving home from the station on Thursday night.

The main road was shut for repairs and the traffic was diverted via the back roads. I had stopped for a few cars as the road was very narrow in places and had just started driving up the hill again having had to reverse and let a van through. As I was making my way up the hill I noticed some headlights coming in the opposite direction so looked ahead and could see a layby up ahead. As the car coming towards me rounded the bend I could sense they were coming at some speed. I assumed they would slow so that I could pass by where the road widened but quickly realised that they were not slowing. Either I was going to have to speed up to make it or pull as far into the side of the road as I could and hope they would pass by.

For what seemed an eternity, but was probably fractions of a second, I realised that there was no way I would make it and therefore practically embedded my car into the hedge to give my self every chance of avoiding a collision.

But the gap was too narrow and something bad was about to happen.

Now metres away from my car and travelling over 50mph I thought my wing mirror was going to be taken off.

Inches away from my car and still travelling at the same speed this was about to get a lot worse.

I dived into the passenger seat and braced myself for the collision.

The first impact happened on the drivers side front wheel, then all down the drivers side door and ended with my back wheel being completely torn off from the rear chassis, axel and suspension. The back of the car jumped into the air and landed.

Eyes open……. I’m not dead.

Sit up…….. I’m not injured.

I turned round to see if the other vehicle was ok only to see them driving off at speed.

Rage.

I opened the door and started running down the road. The person who did this was trying to get away with it and that was wrong. They needed to be held responsible.

But what was I doing? I couldn’t outrun a car!

I turned round only see the back end of my car propped up on the wheel that was taken off and the debris all over the road.

Memories.

As I boy I had dreamt about one day owning this car. I had hired one for my wedding day thinking to myself at the time that I would never own one so having one for the weekend was a close as I was going to get. My boss, @Simon Leslie, came up on the train to Birmingham when I bought it because he wanted to see the smile on my face when I got the keys and drove all the way back with me as I grinned like a Cheshire cat. As sad as this may sound I started and ended every day with a smile on my face because I started and ended my day driving that car and I had worked hard all my life to finally get one.

Now I was watching it getting dragged onto a truck and taken away with little prospect of ever seeing it again.

Randomly one of my neighbours pulled up a couple of minutes after the crash. When he realised it was me he took one look at the car and one look at me and asked me why I was so calm.

Well, firstly I was very grateful to even be alive but I turned round to him and said this:

‘Because I am just sad’.

I was sad because the previous day something had been lost that had meant so much to me and I was sad because I was standing next to something that also had meant so much to me and had been destroyed by someone who was going to go to bed that night and not know whether they had killed someone or not.

But I was actually sad because I get to decide how I feel and not someone else who has little care for life. And therefore I decide what meaning I give to certain events.

My first reaction to both events was anger and rage but I have been working hard on attaching the correct feelings to events over a number of years and I personally believe I came through this test and passed.

And nearly all of us are being tested now more than ever. And all of us get to decide how we feel today and the meaning we give this period.

As I sit here and write this I am watching the business I love struggle due to an existential threat in the form of the pandemic. And the feeling I woke up with this morning was one of excitement. Because I am genuinely excited as we are accelerate executing our vision for the business despite the adversity we face. By doing this will come out of this period stronger than we went into it.

I am determined to look back at the last 6 months with pride and I realise the only way this will happen is if I own my feelings and take the necessary actions.

I have also made the choice to create new memories. We (my wife and I) have decided to go and choose a new diamond together and share a new experience together. And if they can’t repair my car then who knows, maybe Simon will have another trip to Birmingham.

Have an amazing day.