How to feel SAFE with PRiViLEGE

"Understand that the right to choose your own path is a sacred prividge. Use it. Dwell in possibility"                    - Oprah Winfrey -

Privilege is a paradox. It can make life easier or more challenging. It can empower or enable. It can be a burden or a responsibility. When we have much, we have choices. Too many choices can create paralysis. As a colleague, next generation family business member friend of mine states: "Privilege can crush". What does he mean by this statement?

In a recent conversation with a next generation family member of a wealthy Canadian family we were discussing the advantages and disadvantages wealth offers. This individual was sharing that when he introduces himself, he does so by his first name only. I found this intriguing and asked him why........what was shared got me thinking.

Most of us assume wealth, fame, and prestige will make us fell safe; and allow us the privilege only few have access to. Yet we don't realize the heavy burden wealth, fame and prestige has on one's self confidence and need to wear it well....... with apparent ease and grace.

Wealth, particularly in business owing families has a way of trapping/chaining its members to the jailhouse of money, prestige and perks associated to the familial and business wealth. It makes individuals give up their best self, their dreams, their voice...... for the perceived ease wealth offers. Individuals loose themselves within the bigger family system, which is tied up and represented by the wealth.

The conversations and focus trends in the succession planning/wealth transfer industry tend to be on accumulating or preserving the financial capital/wealth of the family. Protect it at all cost. Develop the structures, whether they are tax, governance, or trusts..........to keep the financial wealth safe.  

The paradox is even with all the structures, policies and proceeds in place to keep the financial wealth safe........family members (which represents the Human Capital) still don't feel safe. They don't feel safe with themselves, the family as a whole or with their wealth. 

What do I mean by "feel safe"? 

Safe means having the confidence in ones abilities, having the ability to trust oneself and the decisions made based on a set of personal guiding principals. To be able to speak freely about ones feelings, thoughts without having to wear a mask.....to pretend everything is ok; or without fear or repercussion or retribution by a family member . The freedom to be oneself without having to worry about pleasing others, or having to do things to make people happy, all the while dying inside and feeling in-authentic.

In our coaching practice and the work we do developing governance for families at Veritage, the conversation with individuals, usually turns to how they show up in the family, and business. Are they being real? Are they doing what they really want to? Are they pursuing a career of their choice......or are they working in/taking over the family outfit.....just to please a parent or grandparent? Do they feel safe? With themselves, within the family and with the wealth/business?  

I recall such a session. Jonathan, a 4th generation family member client of ours was sharing how much he despised what the family business represented......which was his grandfathers rage...........which he would express to Jonathan's father by belittling him publicly and humiliating him. YET......the dividends Jonathan received from the business made him feel conflicted. The dividends supported his lifestyle and the options available to him, and at the same time Jonathan felt like a fraud, hating the entity that gave him the lifestyle, and yet enjoying the benefits in the form of dividends. He felt safe financially.......at a cost of loosing himself. Financial capital safety, yet little Human capital safety. Didn't feel "right" cashing in the dividends.....but still did. He shared how at times he was trading his soul.      

Many family members of business owning families feel they lose themselves within the greater system, the big household family name, the business the family is associated with, the image of the founder and being the son/daughter/grandson/granddaughter of this larger than life human immortal.

As a result these individuals compare themselves to this grander than life person and more often than not are told from a very young age........one day you will take this outfit over and lead it just like.........your father/mother/grandfather/grandmother did!

This put enormous pressure on this potential future leader to perform, thereby creating doubt in their abilities OR even worse........ feeling DUTY to step in to the role of leadership making the whole experience a massive burden. 

Even though leadership of a successful business family is a great privilege, it does not feel safe.........because more often than not, the next generation candidate has not been properly equipped to take on the role. They don't feel confident in their abilities, they may not trust themselves yet and may not be clear on what their guiding principals are.  

And finally......they may NOT want the role and are only say yes out of duty. Therefore deep down they know their heart is not into it.............

How does one develop safety with privilege? 

Next article I will share how at Veritage we create the safe place for families to understand how their feelings about money impact their relationship with each other and their wealth. How we guide families to developing governance models which hold the individual, the relationships with each other; and their wealth accountable to a set of guiding principals set out for the family by the family.