How to Feel Good About Yourself

How many of you ever felt that – you are not good enough. I can bet that all of us would have felt this feeling of not being adequate enough, of not being good enough – many-many times in our lives.

For emotionally secured people –feeling of not being good enough or feeling inadequate passes as soon as their focus changes from this to more important tasks.

For people with deep emotional-insecurities – this mental and emotional state of not being good-enough can drives their life choices in aspects of life like career, profession, relationships and how we relate with others in the world.

When these feelings of inadequacy, of having low self-worth, of feeling helpless, of feeling stupid, of feeling powerless, and of guilt/ shame/impotent-rage —begins to obstruct in our profession, career, relationship and socially AND most important with our own identity – we need to seek help.

ROOTS OF INADEQUACY can be traced from childhood neglect to workplace harassment to abusive relationships to overly critical parents and humiliating-authority figures.

In few cases they may also get ingrained in us because we never got the opportunities to experience positive experiences like that of healthy competition and handling challenges which built-ups the feelings of competence and adequacy.

For some people it becomes the sole motivation behind everything they say, do and think [to prove their worth] – sadly for many people this could last their life-time.

Today's generation is living a life of constantly trying to do and be everything at the same time - to be good enough [this is also called as FOMO Fear of Missing Out* read my blog on this – it has been recognized by American Psychological Association as a psychological disorder.

The worst and most pathetic part of being good-enough or feeling adequate-enough is that it can't be benchmarked as a standard.

If you are able to challenge yourself to identify - What does good enough means to you and for you – you need to answer these questions

• 1.In which areas do we need to prove that we are good enough
• 2.Why in the hell – do we need to prove that we are good-enough
• 3.Whom should we be proving that we are good-enough
• 4.What would be a measurable milestone [which would show that we are making progress] and an end-state indicator which tells us we have finally become good enough
• 5.Then even if we manage to prove that we are good enough – does the constant struggle, anxiety and stress worth it
• 6.While focusing on proving to the world that we are really worthy of their attention, admiration and approval – would we have lost who we always wanted to be subconsciously
• 7.If you actually introspect objectively then you will find that this validation seeking urge exist only within our own psyche.
• 8.No one in the world actually gives a damn about you – because chances are, they are in the similar rigmarole of their own.
• 9.Would we ever feel fully satisfied with doing and living to show-off to others
• 10. Would proving to others that we are good-enough - make us more fulfilled and blissful 

You certainly can break free from this thinking – as in this mode you never win or gain anything - because nobody in this world can satisfy and please and get approval from everyone.

I have given below – one of very recent occurrence, where many of the things given in this blog got demonstrated – and at the end of this blog I have also given full information on how a unhealthy state of not being good-enough or feelings of inadequacy can impact you and the people around you – taken from MayoClinic.

The Episode

I have had the opportunity of working-together in close proximity with one person for an extended period of time.

My initial impressions though our interactions, exchanges and observations were - that this person has deep insecurities emanating from a traumatic past relationship and may have curable borderline personality disorder.

The best part was that this person was totally willing to cooperate AND take actions on the crucial elements those boosts self-esteem, self-worth, emotional-security.

After a constant high exposure of "sincere and true" positive inputs over a period of three months - This person shared that he/she has been able to experience a life that he/she never though exists and that he/she feel very different and liberated – and that he/she has already severed his/her connection with his/her past]

But A recent event – where the experiences were very-very exciting and enlivening – in the last moment – an invisible trigger had all the previous behaviors back in this person [which was definitely an assumed/ imagined-one {which happens with people with this type of psychological issues} – explained below in details].

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So how does it really work - Compliments are wonderful to receive, of course, but then the receiver has actually got to believe and internalize them – emotionally secure people can take the compliments, praises and use them to reinforce their self-worth.

But the people who feel inadequate feel happy only at that moment and then they fall back into their own quagmire - as believing in yourself and your own worth—is actually very difficult – especially if you don't take actions every-day without looking for immediate change.

The people who need extended therapy and counseling because of deep rooted insecurities and personality disorders - may display many of the following 25 signs, symptoms and behavior-patterns [patterns mean repeatedly displaying same self-destructive behaviors].

• 1.Not able to get in touch with themselves – cannot communicate NOR identify
• A.What they are feeling
• B.What they are experiencing
• C.What they want - say - from a relationship or their partner
• 2.Perceiving insult and/or hurt – from those behavior of others which were neither insulting nor in any way harmful to them instead were especially helpful and beneficial to them
• 3.Unable to feel, recognize and acknowledge the hurt they are causing to others – even if these were explained to them
• 4.Unable to express specific actions and behavior that they need to change [ if you ask them – when they have themselves accepted that they have made mistake(s) ] – that what should they start doing or what should they do differently
• 5.Unable to commit taking a simple action
• 6.Unable to recognize their mistake
• 7. Coming out with martyr or victim behavior – when someone points out [AND they know] that they are wrong => to mask their feelings of inadequacies and insecurities
• 8. Unable to apologize properly for their mistake specifically – they would just use sorry word - as a blanket statement
• 9. Are focused on their own pain and need
• 10. Sometime when things are going very well – their sudden impulsive behaviors – which either hurts the other person or ruins a perfect moment or breaks a promising relationship
• 11. Unable to consistently work on themselves
• 12. They will show-off their concerns [but they don't feel anything] – but if the other person in real pain[and have also told them about this pain/discomfort] – they would not pay any attention to him/her at all and instead they may come out with some of their pain – which have got magnified at that time itself
• 13. Because they don't understand themselves [due to suppressing their feelings and emotions] – they don't have absolutely any empathy for others
• 14. Because they are scared to accept themselves as they are – they don't have compassion for others
• 15. Instead of answering something uncomfortable and difficult – they will either divert the conversation or just plain ignore that
• 16. They will be the first one to give you silent treatment by just stopping to communicate – without any explanations or reasons
• 17. You can't have two-way conversations with them. Neither you can be sure that thy will honor their commitment – in case you have raised and explained something that they should not have done [which they would have accepted]
• 18. They also have uncanny knack of answering your questions with questions of their own – thereby avoiding answering your question totally
• 19. They will [in a blink of second] forget all the efforts you have shown consistently of care, concern, help etc. etc. – and – will make you feel as if you have done some great injustice to them
• 20. They will carry all their perceived grudges, hurts and anger indefinitely as they replay any perceived nasty comment/actions of others over and over in their head – this inner feeling of feeling helpless makes them – behave in all the manner described above and in many more passive-aggressive ways
• 21. Even though they like the experience of the newer changes brought about by a person in their personal life – due to their deep-rooted fears of intimacy, earlier abuse and other conditioning – they will sub-consciously sabotage the relationship
• 22. Because they don't value themselves - they have difficulty in understanding the value of a caring person's care, efforts, love etc.
• 23. Because they don't put enough efforts[other than in initial phases] - they can't appreciate the efforts of other people's effort
• 24. Because they don't have pride about their accomplishments - they have difficulty in praising others 
• 25. Because they don't know what they want - they can never plan for their special occasions

For additional BEHAVIORS and signs read my blog on How to deal with manipulative people along with others blogs on insecurities, depression, self-esteem etc. etc. PLUS, all the *marked one words in this article have separate DIY blog in success unlimited mantra's blog section from the heart of Subhashis

People who feel inadequate have the following 18 experiences, feelings and emotional-states

• 1.Anxiety*
• 2.Self-criticism* – which – would ultimately result into blaming* others + justifying + making excuses*
• 3.Trust issues with others – because of their not having faith in themselves
• 4.Difficulty in receiving and accepting praise – limits their ability of expressing their affection, love and appreciation to others properly
• 5.Low self-worth – even they might have accomplished bigger things
• 6.Fear* of rejection* and failure*
• 7.Feelings of being helpless and powerless – which forces them to either adopt a victim* or a martyr mind-set*
• 8.Inability to say No
• 9.Social Withdrawal
• 10. Fault Finding
• 11. Performance Anxiety
• 12. Craving for Attention
• 13. Increased sensitivity to wrong things or perceived hurts
• 14. Easily Feeling Disrespected, hurt or insulted
• 15. Doubting themselves
• 16. Try to accomplish too many things at once
• 17. Forgetting to have fun
• 18. Focusing too much on the success of others

33 Ways we can overcome the feeling of not-being-good-enough or being-inadequate - for full read "Are You Good Enough" in success unlimited mantra's DIY blog section - from the heart of subhashis