How to Feel

Kindness is a set of active skills that we can learn and grow. We can organise these skills into three elements: consider, feel and connect. Cultivating and showing kindness involves developing these three elements as the foundation. In my newsletter last month, I unpacked some of the skills of the element of consideration that form part of kindness. If you missed that article, you can revisit it here. On the surface kindness is easy to connect with our feelings - it makes sense that we might feel kind, or empathetic, leading to our acting with kindness. However, our process of feeling is often poorly understood. Viewing kindness as a set of skills to be unpacked and developed means that feelings and their role in kindness deserve a deeper exploration. The feelings element of kindness involves awareness, understanding, and responding to feelings. This dynamic process includes both our own feelings and the feelings of others. Through this process of awareness, understanding and responding we build a relational space between ourselves and others. This space is where kindness, or its absence, is most noticeably expressed and experienced.

Feelings are often devalued or even shunned in the workplace. As I talk to leaders, I‘ve noticed that some of them strive for rationality and objectivity in ways that lead them to ignore and minimise their feelings. The view that we can be entirely rational or objective is a bit like saying we’ll attend a symphony orchestra performance but won’t listen to the violins, because we don’t like the violins. Our feelings are so tangled up with our thoughts, memories, identity and inner experiences that it’s nearly impossible to isolate them in the service of objectivity. Additionally, trying to ignore something often heightens our awareness of it - if you went to the orchestra and tried not to hear the violins you would notice them even more than if you just listen to the music. Our feelings are with us whether we choose them to be or not, and learning to understand and work with them better allows us to retain and express radical kindness.

Awareness

Developing an awareness of our own feelings is an important foundation for building kindness. Awareness involves recognising what our brain, and body are doing in reaction to what is happening around us (emotions) and the meaning or interpretation we make of those sensations (feelings). Awareness involves noticing what is happening (in our mind and body) in the moment, and being able to describe and identify what we are experiencing without getting lost in it. It also involves being able to do the same process more intentionally as we reflect after an experience.

Understanding

As I speak to people about feelings in the workplace I find that they are often poorly understood. The richer our understanding of feelings, the more useful they become in developing radically kind leadership. The first step is recognising that feelings are neither negative nor positive; they are sources of important information. This perspective helps us avoid unhelpful striving for some emotions and avoidance of others, enabling us to approach our feelings with curiosity and openness.

Responding

We respond to our feelings whether we are conscious of it or not- this unconscious response can be called a reaction. Responding intentionally and with care to what we are feeling transforms reactions into responses. A significant part of responding well to our feelings involves recognising and meeting our needs in the face of them. If we are able to recognise that we are feeling stressed, we can then ask ourselves questions such as, "What do I need because I am feeling this stress? Do I need to ask for help? Do I need to release the stress from my body? Do I need to adjust my expectations? Validating our feelings and meeting our needs in this way increases our capacity to respond kindly to our experiences, interactions and the needs of others.

The process of awareness, understanding and responding is both and inwards and outwards focussed process. As we can also develop our awareness, understanding and ability to respond to others’ feelings, and our own feelings in response to others. It is in this way that we shape the relational space between us and others.

Stay Kind

Christina

I am creating a movement of kindness that transforms workplaces so that people can show up as themselves and delight in their work. I provide

??Leadership Development Coaching for Leaders in Health and Social services who want to develop their radical kindness.

??In person workshops for teams that want to create a culture of kindness

?? Well-being support for those who struggle with workplace stress and burnout.

?? A free coffee to those who want to meet up and have a yarn about transforming the world through kindness.

You can download my quick start guide to radical kind leadership here: https://christinabaird.co.nz/redefiningleadership