How to feel connected online and avoid loneliness

How to feel connected online and avoid loneliness

By Sue Ellson BBus MIML MAHRI CDAA ASA MPC WV FIGT

When I moved from Adelaide to Melbourne it took me a very long time to find friends and in the end, my first friend, at the age of 28, was a woman in her 60's! I met her through a work role. Now, she has moved interstate and we communicate via text, phone calls and FaceTime video chat, often in a three way conversation.

With all of the online resources that are currently available, from video conferencing through to social media, it would be very easy to assume that we are more connected than ever before and we shouldn't feel lonely whilst living, studying or working.

But the reality is that so many people do feel lonely.

Especially when they can only rely on electronic communication to keep in touch.

If you need to live, study or work online for an extended period of time, when that is not your normal routine, you need to develop some additional techniques to avoid the feeling of loneliness.

It is perfectly normal to feel lonely. Some people also like to be alone. However, in my personal view, even the most introverted person needs to have the company of others to share the journey, be a witness to their life and times and to chat about the big and small things of life.

Specific options to avoid loneliness through online communication tools

1.Add people you know and like to your phone contacts list so that you can call or SMS people you really like on a regular basis (consider adding them to your 'Favourites' list). Don't wait for them to pop up in your social media newsfeed as the changing algorithms may take them away from sight.

Recommendation: Add the people you know and like to the Favourites section on your mobile or cell phone and contact them directly on a regular basis.

2. If you haven't already, create a LinkedIn Profile and from now on, add everyone you meet to your LinkedIn network. That way, if you accidentally lose their contact details (or they are changed without you hearing about it), you can still reach them directly. Do this 'from now on' and perhaps when you have a spare 10 minutes, reach out to people you already know and connect with them on LinkedIn.

Recommendation: Make sure you have a LinkedIn profile and connect with everyone you meet on LinkedIn.

3. Have a very close look at how much time you are currently spending on social media (or your phone) every day. On an iPhone, you can check this by going to Settings, and then Screen Time. If it is more than 20 minutes per day, how much of that time is spent scrolling through the newsfeed, engaging with people's posts (liking, commenting and sharing) and how much time is spent messaging or chatting with people you know?

Recommendation: Spend more time communicating rather than scrolling when you are online.

4. Think about the type of content you post online. Is it added to 'showcase' your life with images and content that are very carefully selected or edited? Is it designed to attract attention - either good or bad? Is it informative or does it tell an interesting or positive story? The social media algorithms are designed to give you 'more' of what you have already enjoyed. As you can imagine, if you constantly engage with negative content around a particular topic, you are likely to see more of it.

Recommendation: Be very clear about what you are posting online and why as the algorithms will give you more of the same.

5. I have made a conscious decision to only make positive comments online. Even if I am very angry about something I have read or seen, I will not respond negatively. This approach has saved me from bullying, aggression, trolls etc. When I receive a negative comment, I still respond positively. This helps me look for the good in any feedback and allows me to ask myself what I could learn.

Recommendation: Only make positive comments online.

6. Setting up a few routines or commitments is a very simple and reliable way to make sure you do not feel lonely. If you can only use electronic communication, select what works best for you and simply do it. For example, I had a friend who went through a relationship breakup and I promised to message him every day until he was over the worst of the loss. I also have a list of other people I contact regularly, some by telephone call, some by SMS, some by Facebook Messenger or Facetime. Other people use WhatsApp, WeChat etc. Whatever works for you and your individual relationships.

Recommendation: Set up routine contact times with selected individuals.

7. Organise a few random exchanges whenever someone pops into your thoughts or your sights. Perhaps you saw that it was someone's birthday - why don't you give them a call the day after and ask them about their special day? Been thinking about a former study or work colleague - why don't you give them a quick message with a funny gif or joke attached? Feeling like you are a long way away from your family and friends - why don't you create an email newsletter with some recent photos and a bit of a story about what you have been doing lately?

Recommendation: Plan to include at least one random exchange per week into your calendar or diary.

8. You may not be able to have a Sunday lunch with one of your favourite friends or relatives, but you could organise a video call with them on a regular basis. When we see another person's face, especially when they are talking to us, it increases our ability to understand what they are really saying so much better than words on a screen. If you do not see these people regularly, remember to tell them positive stories and if you do discuss a concerning matter, make sure that when the matter is resolved, you let them know that everything is now okay (so that they don't worry).

Recommendation: Organise regular video calls with people you can't see in person.

9. Understand that electronic communication can create communication challenges. Words on a screen that can be kept and read and re-read can become very harmful if the reader is stressed, anxious or depressed or if they have difficult personal associations with those particular words or that topic. If you have a sensitive topic to discuss, either do it by voice or video rather than text.

Recommendation: Choose the right electronic communication tool for sensitive or difficult topics.

10. If you know that you are likely to be triggered or react to certain topics during a conversation, develop your own strategies for delaying a response. Just because you are using electronic communication and it is 'instant,' it doesn't mean that you have to respond to everything instantly. If I find myself having a difficult conversation with someone, I politely suggest that I don't feel comfortable discussing the topic right now, but I will discuss it later when I am ready. I sometimes say I am not prepared to discuss something. Be ready to respond but not to react as you do not want to escalate a difficult topic, especially if you cannot give each other a hug afterwards.

Recommendation: Be prepared to postpone a more detailed discussion for difficult topics until you are ready to discuss it rather than react to it.

11. The online world has given us direct access to an amazing number of people - through new friendships, new work or enterprise opportunities or for research and mentoring. LinkedIn can help you find people within a particular organisation. Twitter has an amazing range of academics, thought leaders and specialist journalists you can follow or direct message. Facebook can keep us up to date with what is happening in the lives of our family members and friends. Instagram can help us connect with hashtag topic images and posts. YouTube can help us follow our passions and interests when we subscribe to particular channels. Online learning (both free and paid) can help educate us.

Recommendation: Use various social media channels to find and follow the people and topics that are important to us.

12. There are many online communities that you can join for a moment or a lifetime. Whilst you are at a conference, you may connect with people or speakers with the conference app and follow up later on. You may choose to join an online group or forum and contribute your expertise (or lurk and learn from others). Play nice once again in these places as people like givers more than takers. Do not use these communities to spruik or advertise what you do. Feel free to ask quality questions (and avoid asking questions that have already been answered). Reach out directly to the people you 'like' in these forums and consider keeping in personal contact separately (particularly like-minded individuals).

Recommendation: Consider becoming a part of specific online communities and be sure to give when you can.

13. Consider following or engaging with people who are not like you. People who challenge you with their views and opinions but could open your mind to new ways of thinking or being. Be ready to listen to what they have to say and even if you don't like the person, you may like what they are saying. Be willing to acknowledge the good in what they do or say. You can achieve a lot more with a spoonful of sugar than you can with a bucketful of spite.

Recommendation: Be prepared to follow, engage and recommend people you respect or know professionally, even if they are different to you.

14. Avoid any form of comparison. Do not compare yourself or your situation with anyone, particularly not someone who is a celebrity or is very well known in your field of vision. Remember that you are unique and special regardless of what has or has not happened in your life and that there are people who love you and like you (even if it doesn't always feel like it). So many people tell other people about how amazing you are, but sometimes, they forget to tell you!

Recommendation: Be ready, at every opportunity to say or type what you like or appreciate about the person you are communicating with. Try and include something positive in every conversation you have!

15. Focus on more frequent short exchanges rather than lengthy sessions, especially if you are time poor. Making time for an hour long video chat could be difficult, but sharing a photo of an amazing cake you have just made could bring a lovely smile to someone's face, especially if they are a bit of a foodie. Try and make communicating directly with a person your goal rather than communicating 'en-masse.' If you know your friend likes watching the same television program you do, then message them and ask how they felt about the latest episode. For some people, finding something to talk about isn't always easy, but having a topic that you can start with can make the conversation a whole lot easier.

Recommendation: Seek frequent short exchanges with individuals on topics you both like to get the conversation going.

16. If you are studying or working remotely, either part time or full time, it is very important to schedule regular online video meetings so that you can maintain momentum for your assignments and projects. Share the load and make sure that the responsibility for managing the agenda is rotated amongst the group and that all people have a role to play in each meeting (even if that is only reporting on what they have done or having a requirement that each person must ask a question in every meeting or contribute something they have learned or observed since the last meeting).

Recommendation: Schedule regular video meetings if you study or work remotely and get everyone involved.

17. Consider high touch solutions rather than high tech solutions when communicating online. Whilst it may be easier to send a bulk email, broadcast a live social media video or send bulk SMS messages, a direct phone call or personal email to one person can have a much greater impact. Use bulk tools for general messaging, but if you have an important relationship with a family member, friend, study or work colleague, take the time to contact them personally. There is no reason to feel lonely if you directly communicate with several people each day. In days gone by, the phone would often ring for a conversation - now it doesn't. An overload of emails means that your message can often be missed. A voice recording may be slightly more personal but can still be missed - so try and speak directly.

Recommendation: Take the time to talk to people directly in a two-way conversation, preferably more than once a day.

18. Learn more about the online tools that you can use to communicate with people. When setting up the camera for your video conferencing, make sure it is at your face level or slightly above (none of us look good with a camera lens that is below our chin and looking up). If you can, communicate from a quiet environment with a good microphone to speak into and audio equipment to hear. Avoid a distracting background - don't communicate from your messy bedroom with junk all around - the viewer is more likely to look at that rather than you! Be respectful on group video conferencing calls and ensure that all participants have a chance to speak or if you are a little bit shy, consider communicating via the chat facility so that the presenter or host can respond without you needing to speak in front of the group. Take turns and don't talk over anyone else. Get to the point and avoid taking over with lengthy explanations or statements. Be prepared and arrive on time and finish on time. Login early if it is the first time using a system to allow for any technical difficulties. Follow up as promised during the call afterwards. If sending text messages, consider how often you should use abbreviations, emojis, gifs, pictures and videos by thinking about the receiver and their preferences. Incorporate what you know the other person likes when you can.

Recommendation: Learn how to use a variety of online communication tools and be respectful of other people and their time.

19. Understand what is either polite or appropriate when communicating online. This is particularly important when thinking about corresponding with new friends or possible relationship partners. If you are on a dating app and you are quite sure that you are not compatible with a person who approaches you directly, there is no need to be rude or impolite. Be ready to respond appropriately but don't be naive either and risk being fooled by a scammer. Be respectful when asking questions and think about whether or not you would be prepared to answer a very personal question before meeting someone in real life. Allow every person to maintain their dignity and even if the other person appears to be difficult, remember that it is important to respond in a kind and clear way (or report and block if it is abusive). There is no need to respond to every like, but I personally try and respond to every comment or share.

Recommendation: Always be polite and respectful online but be ready to be kind yet clear when necessary.

20. Occasionally, you may need to review how you are using online communication tools and ask yourself if there is a better way to use the tools to achieve your goals. If multiple people have to leave or do leave an online meeting early, can you adjust the agenda and make it more aligned with their needs? If you can't manage a conversation with some people, perhaps you can still communicate via text and pictures. If you have a sense that people do not want to communicate with you so frequently, slow down and allow them to contact you. Do not always let callers go to voicemail if you can take the call now (it makes the other person feel as if you do not value their call). If you need to politely tell someone to reduce their online communications, do it by voice or video and sensitively, explaining your reasons. For example, you may find it difficult to respond immediately to so many messages so you would appreciate not receiving so many throughout the day or week etc. Perhaps it would be easier to respond via email than text to lengthy requests. Just communicate so that both people can understand that there is a logical explanation and so that they don't come to their own negative conclusion about how you feel about them.

Recommendation: Review how you are communicating online and be willing to discuss with another person how it is or isn't working for you - but do it by voice or video and sensitively.

These various recommendations have come from working with newcomers, expatriates, repatriates, skilled migrants, job seekers, students, professionals, remote workers, contractors etc over many years.

I trust you have found this LinkedIn Article helpful. I welcome your thoughts and other suggestions in the comments below.

Whilst the following article I have written is not about online communication, it is about loneliness and may be of interest.

8 Solutions for Loneliness That Don’t Require a Romantic Relationship.

See my other LinkedIn Articles here - this one on remote work may also be of interest.

Keyword Hashtags

#onlinecommunication #remotework #workfromhome #gigsters #homebasedoffice #mobilecommunication #videoconferencing

First Published: 18 March 2020

Last Update: 18 March 2020

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Sue Ellson BBus, MIML, MAHRI, CDAA, MPC, ASA, WV, FIGT is a Remote Global Independent LinkedIn Specialist, Business and Careers Consultant, Trainer and Author.

More information at https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/sueellson and https://sueellson.com