How to Feel Confident and Relaxed When Setting Boundaries - No Matter How Big of a People Pleaser You Think You Are

This is a topic I’ve given a lot of thought because, over time, I realized that most of my stress was coming from me not knowing exactly how to choose between myself and other people.

I used to believe that I only had 2 options:

(1) choose myself - and disappoint them (horrible!)

(2) choose them - and neglect myself (not as horrible, but it was not sustainable)

What has made me a proud and relaxed boundaries setter can be boiled down into one idea:

- ?????? ???????? ???? ?????????????? ???????? ?????????????? ?????? ???????????????? ???? ?????? ?????????????? ?????????? ?????????? ???? ????.

I think it was Mark Manson who said that, in order to not care about adversity, you must care more about something more important than adversity.

Basically, if you want to stop being afraid of disappointing others when you’re telling them ‘no’, you must truly believe that setting the boundary serves a higher purpose.

Here's an example: would you feel bad for forbidding a 6-years old from smoking? No, right?

Because you know it’s the morally right thing to do, even though they might cry about it.

It’s the same when you’re dealing with a grown up.

Boundaries are easy to set if you find the reasons why setting them is actually the best thing for everyone.

So how can you start believing that setting a boundary is the right thing to do?

There are, of course, several beliefs that one needs to adopt to fully embrace this concept, but for the sake of not overwhelming you with too much information, in this post I’m going to focus on the most important:

???????????????????? ???? ?????? ?????????? ??????????????????????????. ???????? ?????????????? ????????.

Let’s break this down.

Think about it - the difficult part of setting boundaries comes down to the discomfort of facing a possible rejection, right?

And, while rejection definitely sucks, the good news is that it’s temporary.

If, let’s say, you’re telling your manager you can’t work overtime today, it is safe to assume that the manager might go through a slight discomfort, but he will almost certainly not fire you.

Why?

Because a relationship does not break this easily, even if it’s a work relationship.

In fact, in my experience, many relationships tend to be a bit too unbreakable, where both people accept too many harmful things before they break it off, simply because no one really likes change.

It is human nature to prefer a painful familiarity to a possibly better unfamiliarity.

Here’s one more proof that relationships are not as fragile as you might think they are.

John Gottman, the researcher who studied so many couples that he can now predict with a 90% accuracy if a couple will divorce just by watching them fight for a few minutes, discovered that any relationship will be considered a good relationship by both parties as long as it has a ratio of 1:5. What does that mean?

A ratio of 1:5 means five positive interactions for each negative one.

So it’s not about never having a negative interaction, it’s about having the positives outweighing the negatives.

So this dispels the myth that we must never make any mistakes or upset someone or else we risk permanent relationship damage.

This leads us to the realization that it is safe to set boundaries. But this, in itself, will at best make you feel okay-ish with the idea of saying ‘no’, but it’s not enough for you to start doing it with confidence and conviction.

For that, you need to focus on the long-term consequences of setting a boundary.

Let’s think of what are you all the negatives you’re avoiding long-term every time you set a healthy boundary:

- By doing this, you're avoiding the other person being in the dark about how to actually be successful with you (someone who doesn't know your expectations is unlikely to fulfil them);

- You avoid becoming resentful towards them and expressing your resentment through passive-aggressive behaviours that eventually lead to a rupture in the relationship;

- In addition, you avoid creating the conditions where they would be under-responsible (since you are carrying the heavier burden so you don't upset them);

So, really, you’re doing both the relationship and the other person a favor whenever you set a clear boundary.

Although you risk seeing the person grimace and maybe them complaining to their spuse about you for 5 minutes, you are also setting the relationship up for success.

?????? ???????????????????? ?????? ???????????????????????? ?????????????? ???? ?????? ?????? ???? ?????? ?????????????? ?????????? ?????????? ???? ????.

I don’t remember who said it, but it stuck with me over the years: “I’m keeping boundaries with my kids because I want to like spending time with them”.

I think this sums up perfectly the relationship-saving role of boundaries.

Whenever we don’t keep healthy boundaries, we start disliking the other person and condemning the relationship to a slow, painful death.

You will know that you truly believe setting the boundary is the morally right thing to do when you’ll feel at peace with having to set the boundary, and just a tiny bit uncomfortable, the kind of uncomfortable feeling which is normal with anything that you’re doing for the first few times.

You’ll also know you’re doing it right when you’ll be able to communicate that boundary with kindness and compassion instead of defensiveness, which will result in the other person not getting upset at all with you.

Instead, the most often reply you’ll hear is “Thank you for letting me know” or “Yeah, absolutely, I respect that”.

Setting boundaries in a way that protects the relationship and feels like 100% the morally right thing to do is part of the work I do with my clients in my 1-on-1 coaching program where I help people who feel like they are never doing enough and are burnt out get to a place where they’re feeling accomplished, refreshed and at peace with how much they’re doing.

I also help you identify and overcome all the other inner conflicts and limiting beliefs that are keeping you on the hamster wheel, and I help you learn how to use self-compassion to keep your mental and emotional batteries full.

This has led my 50+ clients to sleeping much better, having immeasurably more mental sharpness, more emotional availability for those around them and a lot more appetite for their lives.

If you’re interested in this program, send me a private message and we’ll chat for a bit to see if this is the right fit for you. If so, we can get started as early as next week :)