How fathers can help their children deal with grief

Or: What do you do when your child breaks their heart?

We’ve all experienced grief; and we all have our own ways of dealing with it. Grief is not something we like to experience, and thus, we’d like to protect our kids from the feeling. We can’t though. Every life has its ups and downs. Every person will experience hardships, our children sadly included. Feeling loss and grief are parts of the lows of life.

There are different ways of dealing with grief. Some are better than others. This article will describe a ton of those better ways. After all, it’s up to us, the dads, to teach our kids how to grieve in a healthy manner.

How do we do that? How can we, as fathers, support our kids when they’re grieving? And how can we still show up when we’re grieving ourselves?

I’ll tell you.

Let’s go.

What is grief?

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you what grief is. Sometimes it’s helpful to start working from a common definition though, just so we know how to recognize it in others.

Grief is the other side of love. In its purest essence, grief is any loss or change that you might experience. Grief could be feeling the loss of a home, or a job. It could be the death of someone close to you, or the end of a relationship.

Grief can also be experiencing the loss of an opportunity, or a dream or a desire. Not getting a promotion you’ve been working towards; or hearing you’re never going to be a pilot because of your poor eyesight.

Children can, and will, experience grief for reasons that we might’ve left behind. It’s important to remember what we felt when we were younger, so we can give our children the empathy they deserve.

It’s about the time and place

Grief is something that can come and go, it’s not a full-time activity. It’s highly personal as well.

Imagine losing someone dear to you. There’s that moment when the hammer falls, and the grief just feels overwhelming. That’s often just after you’ve experienced your loss, but it can come in waves as well. Yesterday, you felt okay. Today you’re a mess. It’s all part of the grieving process.

Those feelings will subside over time though; especially if you’ve managed to gain some closure.

But grief is like a scar on your soul. It doesn’t necessarily hurt, but it leaves a mark. And because it’s left a mark, you can get reminded of the loss you experienced. The trigger for that could be anything; sounds, smells, memories, a certain location.

Those feelings of loss will flare up for a short while, and then subside again. The more closure you have, the easier those feelings will be to deal with. But they’ll never completely go away.

And that’s a good thing. Because grief is the other side of love. Being able to grieve means being able to love.

Different types of grief

There are a couple of different types of grief, which I will summarize below:

Anticipatory grief

This is what you feel before experiencing loss. For example, when a loved one is terminally ill. You already know what’s going to happen, and you’re preparing for that.

Disenfranchised grief

Disenfranchised grief is hidden grief – not because it’s not visible to others, but because you’re actively trying to hide it. It’s when you feel that the loss you’re mourning wouldn’t be accepted by those around you; for example when losing a precious childhood toy. You might feel others wouldn’t understand, or even belittle your feelings, so you hide it away from them.

Clean grief and dirty grief

Additionally, there is the difference between clean grief and dirty grief. Dirty grief is grieving something you don’t know is, or will be, true. “No one will ever love me again”, for example. Clean grief is something you know to be true. “I will never hold his hand again.”

The most important difference here is the possibility for closure. Clean grief allows you to close a chapter. Dirty grief can’t be proven, so it has no closure; which means you’ll potentially grieve for the rest of your life. We don’t want that, so it’s important to grieve in a healthy way, and teach our kids how to do so as well. More on that later.

Universal grief Sometimes, all of us are grieving together. It happens when something occurs that impacts all of us. Examples are CoVID and terrorist attacks; but also a famous person, like Matthew Perry, dying.

Know that your, and you child’s grief, is just as valid as anyone’s. It might be different, but it’s no less.

For you, as a dad, it’s important to know that these all exist, and your child can experience them.

Experiencing grief as a father

Grief impacts you in different ways as a father. You could be grieving yourself, and still want to be able to show up for your kids. Of course, you and your children could be grieving together. In that case you might want to show them how to grieve in a healthy manner. Thirdly, your child could be grieving, while you aren’t; because whatever happened doesn’t impact you much. In that case you want to be there for your kid in their time of need.

In all three situations you’ll be experiencing a lot of emotions. That’s understandable and perfectly healthy, even if it’s not the most enjoyable time. Intense emotions have a habit of taking over control though.

For us, and for our children, it’s important that we know how to deal with grief in a way that doesn’t overwhelm us. When we know how to do that, we can teach our children how to do so as well.

What to do when you’re grieving, and your children aren’t?

There are a couple of things you can do while grieving to make the process a bit easier on yourself. When it’s easier, you can focus better on your children’s needs as well. So, to be there for your children, you actually need to be there for yourself first.

The first thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel and express the loss, in whatever way, shape or form. Grief is an emotion that needs to be processed. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself less focused and more irritable in the short term. In the long term, it could lead to anxiety, depression, and a whole host of unpleasant physical and mental drawbacks.

Second, normalize it. For yourself, and for your child. Grieve is a natural state of being. Let’s not treat it like anything else. Talking about it will allow you to process the feelings better and quicker. And not only will you show your kid that grief and mourning are parts of life, you get to explain why you’re feeling out of sorts.

Don’t underestimate the impact that your emotions have on your children. If you’re sad, your children start to worry. By explaining what’s happening within you, you set their minds at ease.

Don’t unload on them though. Some grief can be too heavy for them. Also, this is your cross to bear, not theirs. Walk that fine line between talking about what’s needed, and keeping to yourself what they can’t handle yet.

Third, amp up the self-care. When grieving, you’re in a state where you’ll benefit by a little kindness even more than normal. That includes kindness you show yourself. So, take it easy for a while; ease off the expectations you have of yourself a bit. Ask for a hug.

You know how best to take care of yourself. Do more of that, and don’t hesitate in involving others.

Lastly, give it time. You know why.

What to do when your child is grieving, and you aren’t?

Arguably this is the easiest situation for you to deal with. Since you’re not grieving yourself, it’s easier to take a step back and assess the situation. It being easier, doesn’t make it easy though. Your child is hurting, and you’d do anything to make it go away. There are a couple of things you can do to best support your little one.

Let’s start with a couple of things you shouldn’t do though. Don’t tell your kid to be brave and strong. That’s not what they need. They need empathy and care. Telling them to be brave and strong is you projecting, and it won’t help them in their grieving process.

Likewise, don’t tell them that you know exactly how you feel. You don’t. Everybody grieves differently. You can say “I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’ve experienced something similar” That opens a possibility for a discussion on how your child is feeling and what they can do to process the loss that they feel.

Instead, allow your child to feel whatever they’re feeling, and listen when they talk about it. Your child can experience all stages of grief, and more besides. They can be angry, they can try bargaining, they can be sad and depressed, crying uncontrollably. They might not accept the loss yet. Maybe they’re feeling something entirely different.

Allow it to be, and normalize them feeling that way. This is your child processing their grief, not acting out. Give them space, both physical and mental, to let them express themselves how they want, or need to. When they need you, they’ll let you know. Support them in their emotions when they do.

At the same time, some emotions can be too big or too tough to deal with for your child. You’ll recognize it when that’s the case. If so, distract them when they calm down a bit. Take them out to get a smoothie, or go play catch. Getting the kids moving often gets them talking as well.

You can’t be there for them all the time. Life happens, after all. But do offer to be there for them whenever they need to. That they’re not alone. And, of course, actually be there for them when they need it. Have it be a standing offer. That speaks for itself.

You could also try asking them whether they want to do something to say goodbye? Think of a ritual the two of you could do together to allow your child some closure.

And lastly, hug. If they allow it, of course. A hug can do wonders; and it can be very healing. Pro hugging tip: don’t be the first one to let go. After 20-30 seconds, healing starts to happen. You don’t know how much your baby needs that hug.

Give it time. This could take days. It could take months. It’ll get better though.

What to do when you’re both grieving?

This situation is really hard, because now you don’t only have to take care of your own grief, you’ll have to take care of your children’s emotions as well. Start with everything written above, and build upon that by doing the following.

First of all, carve out some alone time for yourself, to be with your own grief. Make sure you have the support you need. This way you take care of yourself, so that you have the emotional capacity to take care of your child.

The second thing that’s important to remember is that things are going to be rocky for a while. Both of you are experiencing very emotional states. Of course that’s going to clash. That’s part of the process; don’t feel too bad about it. Now that you know, you’re prepared.

The rest is applying what you’ve read in the two paragraphs above. The only addition to that is that it might be worthwhile to look for external support for your child, if you feel you’re not the right person at this time to be that support yourself. That might feel uncomfortable, but know there’s no shame in that. By doing so, you’re actually taking care of your child in the best way available to you, and that’s something you can be proud of.

Helping your child grieve

Grief is never a fun experience. Knowing how to grieve won’t make the experience more pleasant, but it will make it easier to deal with. If you’re having trouble knowing what to do, look to your child. Not for support, but because children know how to grieve. They haven’t been taught the filters that we’ve internalized yet.

Children still feel comfortable wearing their hearts on their sleeves; crying or shouting in public. We adults try to suppress our emotions more, which makes us take longer to process our loss than our children do.

Grief is about loss. Loss can be approached in different ways though. We can focus on what’s no longer there. We can also think of what this person or opportunity has brought us and taught us. If you can get to a place to celebrate life (much like el Día de los Muertos, although maybe not as exuberant), that will help with the healing process as well.

You’ve got this!

This might not be a fun time, but it’s an important time. I’m positive you’re doing great, brother. Keep up the good work, and keep showing up for your kids!

PS

For this article I got to interview the spectacular Margaret Dennis This article wouldn’t have been much if it weren’t for her. Be sure to give her a follow on

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·???????? https://www.instagram.com/evolvcoaching/

·???????? https://www.facebook.com/evolvcoaching/

·???????? ?https://evolvcoaching.com/

The Dad Coach

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