How to fail at [everything]

I think it was someone at @Microsoft (don't hold me to it - I'm definitely paraphrasing/making it up) who once said;

we love to fail, because we learn to grow and improve when we fail. Success teaches us nothing...

So I've taken that half baked (probably half fabricated) quote as the inspiration for a new series of posts - exploring how to fail like an absolute boss ?? and keep doing it, time and again.

I'll look at every aspect of modern #marketing - from established expertise (and the champions if it) to the latest fads and shiny objects us marketers love to chase. We'll document the perfect recipes for marketing and business failure to help you avoid success at all costs!

You're most welcome, marketing friend ??

1. How to fail at ... [Brand Building]

#Brandbuilding—ugh, who has time for that? If you’re a small company looking to epically fail at creating a memorable, sustainable brand, congratulations, you’ve come to the right place! Forget the "rules" from all those so-called experts like Byron Sharp or Les Binet. We’re here to show you how to tank your branding strategy so effectively that your business disappears faster than your initial interest in Threads.

So come on, let’s dive into the most surefire ways to make sure no one knows who you are, what you do, or why they should care - #losing

Step 1: Avoid Consistency Like the Plague ???

The best way to sabotage your brand? Make it as inconsistent as possible. Change your logo every six months. Adopt 20 different fonts across your website, social media, and emails. One day you’re corporate chic, the next day you’re neon grunge. Keep your customers guessing—and thoroughly confused.

Now, branding experts like Jenni Romaniuk, co-author of How Brands Grow, preach the importance of building distinctive assets—consistency is crucial for brands to stick in people’s minds. But why listen to her? What does she know? She’s just spent decades researching how memory works in relation to brands and has a PhD in marketing. Pfft, overachiever.

Step 2: Stay Trapped in Your Niche ?????

Got a product that appeals to a tiny, hyper-specific niche? Perfect. Never leave it. Build your entire business around those five people. Let’s say you sell organic, gluten-free macramé plant holders for left-handed vegan bass players who only play acoustic sets in rural Idaho. You’ve found your tribe, now stay with them forever.

Meanwhile, Scott Galloway—author, professor, and serial entrepreneur—bangs on about how brands need to scale, appeal to broader audiences, and expand their customer base. He even calls it "the algebra of success" with formulas and all that smart-sounding nonsense. But seriously, who wants success when you can be a niche hipster legend? Scott’s probably busy starting another multi-million-dollar company right now. Snooze.

Step 3: Forget Creativity ????

Who needs creativity when you can just blend in? Don’t waste time developing memorable brand assets or eye-catching campaigns. Stick to stock photos and generic taglines like "quality service" or "your trusted partner"—just like everyone else.

Byron Sharp, the marketing prophet behind How Brands Grow, talks about "mental availability" and distinctiveness being key to brand success. He’s got all this data showing how distinctive brands grow faster and stronger. But who cares about being memorable? You’re not here to stand out; you’re here to fade into obscurity. And besides, if your customers can’t tell you apart from the competition, that’s on them.

Step 4: Short-Term Sales? ALL DAY! ????

The quickest way to wreck your brand? Focus entirely on short-term sales. Run constant flash sales, slash prices every chance you get, and never, ever invest in long-term brand-building. Sure, Les Binet—the man behind some of the most influential marketing effectiveness research—will tell you to balance short-term activation with long-term strategy. He’s got actual awards and accolades from the marketing industry. But who needs that? Balance is for yoga instructors.

Here’s the real trick: when you build your entire strategy on discounts and short-term gains, your customers learn to expect nothing else. Why bother creating loyalty or brand love when you can milk your audience dry with "50% OFF TODAY ONLY" ads?

Step 5: Ignore New Customers ????

Want to grow your brand? Nah, too much effort. Let’s focus on the 10 customers you already have and completely ignore the millions of potential new ones out there. After all, everyone knows that only existing customers matter, right? Wrong.

Jenni Romaniuk and Byron Sharp keep babbling about "penetration" and how growth comes from acquiring new customers. Romaniuk even has studies that show brands with larger customer bases have higher loyalty and profits. But where’s the fun in that? Reaching new people sounds like so much work. Stick with your loyal base of… 27 people. That should keep your business afloat for a few months. Maybe.

Step 6: Avoid Competitive Analysis ????♂?

Forget about what your competitors are doing. Who cares if they’re offering a better product, delivering better service, or making smart strategic moves? You’re unique! In your head, at least.

Mark Ritson (yes, he’s a bit of a wanker, but he’s our wanker) loves to bang on about competitive analysis and versus positioning. He even says you should find ways to differentiate from your competitors and exploit their weaknesses. Sure, he’s taught at places like MIT and London Business School, and his Mini MBA is helping marketers around the world... But does he really know what he’s talking about? Of course not! What’s 25 years of experience and a PhD in marketing compared to your gut instincts?

Step 7: Data? Who Needs It? ?????

If you truly want to fail at brand building, ignore all data. Don’t bother tracking customer behavior, market trends, or campaign performance. Gut feelings are your best friend here. After all, who wants annoying facts and figures to ruin the glorious illusion that everything’s working just fine?

Sure, data can tell you what’s failing, what’s working, and how to improve—but who wants to hear that? Embrace ignorance, and you’ll be on your way to ensuring that any glimmer of success remains out of reach. Facts are overrated; vibes are forever.