How to fail at [customer onboarding]

The Complete “We Don’t Actually Want You Here” Playbook

You did it. You’ve built the product. You’ve nailed your brand positioning. There’s a queue of eager customers practically banging down the door to sign up and bask in the glory of your innovation. And what’s the first thing they’re greeted with? An onboarding process so convoluted and clunky that it makes filling out tax returns look fun. Bravo.

OK, so you're a cool neo-bank offering saving and investment opportunities for young families. The parents are excited to get their kids started on saving for the future. You’re mobile-first, digital-native, totally sleek, right? Well… that’s where the dream ends and the bureaucratic nightmare begins.

Because let’s be honest: your onboarding process is less "mobile-first" and more "dial-up modem." In fact, your UX feels like it was designed by someone who still thinks Netscape Navigator is cutting-edge.

But hey, that’s fine—welcome to the School of Hard UX Knocks. We're not just here to sink the ship; we’re here to do it Titanic-style. Iceberg? Full speed ahead. Let’s dive in and discover how to turn a promising product into a legendary disaster, one clunky click at a time.

Step 1: Create a Digital Sign-Up Process That’s So Clunky, It Could Be Analog ?????

Picture this: a parent sits down with their phone, ready to sign their kid up for a junior savings account. The marketing promised “fast, easy setup.” But what they get? A 20-step form that requires more personal details than a police background check. Why? Don’t ask. We don’t know either.

Needless to say, after they've typed their home address for the third time (because apparently, that data wasn’t “captured correctly”), they’re reconsidering whether their kid really needs to go to college. Who needs savings! Retirement at 75 sounds just fine to me.

Step 2: The App No One Asked For (and No One Needs) ???

Naturally, instead of letting people sign up through a web browser like a normal human in 2024, your platform forces them to download an app. And not just any app—an app that’s roughly the size of a Hollywood movie and takes so long to install that the kids have aged out of childhood by the time it’s done.

Once downloaded, the app is so slow and buggy it feels like you're running it on a Nokia 3310. Tapping “Next” either does nothing, crashes the app, or, for some reason, resets the entire process. It’s almost like you don’t want them to open that account.

Step 3: The 1980s Called. They Want Their ID Verification Process Back ??????

What’s a sign-up process without a little nostalgia? You could verify users with a quick email code or—heaven forbid—use that newfangled “selfie verification” tech. But no! Let’s go full Cold War spy mode and demand a utility bill, a bank statement, and possibly a fax from their employer confirming they exist. Better yet, ask for a letter from the government. A hard copy.

And when they finally locate all these relics from the past, the app conveniently rejects their passport photo because it’s "too clear." Naturally, your support team advises them to try using a blurrier image. Perfect!

Step 4: Get Stuck in the Call Centre Vortex?????

Once your customer has given up on the app (after being kicked out for the third time), they’ll try to call your support hotline, where the real fun begins. The hold music has all the charm of an ‘80s elevator, and after waiting 45 minutes, they’ll be told, “Sorry, we’re just the call centre, we can’t help with that.”

But wait, it gets better. They’ll be transferred to yet another department—one that definitely doesn’t handle onboarding either, but hey, at least they know how to put them back at the start of the process. Have a nice day!

Step 5: UX So Confusing, It Feels Like a Puzzle (With Missing Pieces) ?????

By this point, your customer has decided to give it one last go—because surely, this must all be some kind of misunderstanding. No app could be this bad, right? Oh, but it can. Navigating your platform is like playing a video game where the rules keep changing. The buttons don’t do what they say they will, nothing is labeled correctly, and every new page presents yet another form asking for information they've already submitted.

It’s the digital equivalent of a labyrinth, but without the fun of David Bowie and his tight pants.

Step 6: Make Sure Everything Feels Like It’s Stuck in the Past ?? ???

There’s a reason your customers feel like they're stuck in a time loop: your tech stack is. Forget digital transformation—your onboarding process looks like something a mid-90s insurance firm would call “cutting-edge.” Pop-up windows, CAPTCHA challenges designed for dial-up connections, and outdated design choices that make people wonder if they’re accidentally on a website from 2004.

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When your onboarding experience makes people long for the simpler days of paper forms and in-person queues, you’ve officially taken a turn towards your customer failure goals. Maybe just lean into it—add a requirement to mail in their application via carrier pigeon?1

Bonus Fail: If you really want to cement that first impression, send them a follow-up email to “rate their onboarding experience.” And make sure the survey link is broken ;)