How to Fail as an Author - Guaranteed

Case One: You've told all your friends you're writing a book and are now annoyed or dismayed that you cannot get a literary agent to recognize your genius and sell your book to some fancy schmancy publisher.

Case Two: You self-published - one of the ~1 million woebegone authors who do every year - but you've gotten far fewer sales than you'd dreamed. You suspect if you just got an agent...READ THIS FIRST!

Congratulations! So far, you've avoided the severe risks of actually going after a major publishing contract with #Simon and Schuster, #HarperCollins, #PenguinRandomHouse, #Macmillan, etc. Good for you! None of those laudable houses will accept a submission from an unknown writer. They require your work to be vetted first by a "literary agent" - someone known to them, whom they trust to only show them "the good stuff."

Forgeddaboudit. Who needs an agent anyway? The heck with the 200-year-old US publishing industry. (Thank you, guys like Ben Franklin!)

I've been a literary agent for almost 30 years. I've got 17 New York Times best selling clients and over 1,800 deals. My team rejects FAR more projects than it accepts. Why bother with all that risk and rejection? Read on to spare yourself the trouble.

Most failed would-be authors have done these exact same things and saved themselves from facing their own potential for greatness.

All you have to do is get rejected enough times - by agents or by the readers - and you'll dishearten yourself permanently. Here's how!

In order to GUARANTEE that you will NOT get a literary agent, and thus risk actually having to deal with a good, strong, famous publisher or the money they'll give you in advance or the marketing expertise and distribution booster rocket they provide - not to mention the credibility with your peers - there are a few things you must do:

Just Believe - no reality check required!

Hallelujah! You read some article that said New York publishers are lying, rotten vermin. Or you once attended a writer's conference where someone stood up and said, "I sold 2 million copies of my self-published book in 90 days and you can too!" Or perhaps you met some slick self-publishing salesperson (sometimes also called "hybrid publishing") - where you pay them to tell you that your work has a "lot of potential" but it needs just a "little editing"...for a fee. They will reassure you that you are the next Hemingway, Danielle Steele, Simon Sinek or whatever. That undeserved praise feels so good! Bask in it! Absorb it! Roll around in it...and give them your credit card number.

The average self-published book sells far fewer than 100 copies these days. Who needs readers? Who needs book sales? Just get it out there fast! That's all that matters!

Under NO circumstances should you treat this like a real grown-up pursuit. Do not improve your writing. Fiction writers: Don't worry about plot, pacing, dialogue or character development. Nonfiction writers: Do NOT grow your platform (the group of people who know and like your work). Absolutely do not allow time for your core idea to ripen into a book. No! Just Rush to market. Self-publish and wait for the accolades to roll in. YOU CAN DO THIS*!

* If you have enough cash and no idea what you're doing.

Refuse All Qualified Opinions - Ignore the experts

Do NOT listen to anyone who has extensive publishing industry experience, like an editor or ghostwriter who actually worked for credible book publishers, or a literary agent who has sold books like yours to major New York publishers. Your work is inspired! If anyone tells you different, you just tell them where they can stick their advice.

If you accidentally query some literary agents and they offer you advice (even if that advice is all of them turning your work down), just be immature! Accept that all agents are a bunch of ignorant crackpots. We are! Give up at once and prove us all wrong by self-publishing and getting your fair share of those "fewer than 100 copies sold"!

IMPORTANT: Don't give a second thought to modifying your masterpiece. In your specific case, writing is kind of like the Bible - every word was inspired, right? (Heck, you don't even need to correct typos and grammar issues. Trust me - you're that good!)

If someone suggests that you might want to read similar books, so you can figure out for sure how your book offers something New, Different, Better or More ("N.D.B.M." is for nonfiction) or follows "genre expectations" (what fiction readers generally prefer in the structure and timing - romance, sci-fi, mystery, whatever) ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to consider how yours might be made better by learning the craft.

Rembember this: if you can speak English reasonably well, you will automatically write a best seller! That's all it takes!

Trust the Magic - Books as Great as YOURS will require NO MARKETING EFFORT! (Yay!)

Probably the best part about being you is that you "don't care" if the book sells - and it absolutely shows! You happily tell agents and anyone who is still listening to you blab about your book that you "don't care" - because secretly you long for success. (Shhh!) Your mantra is rock solid proof to everyone that you will be satisfied to get those "fewer than 100" readers. Heck, that includes at least 3-4 who will actually read some of it and tell you what a genius you are*.

(* Count on your mom, your best friend and one drunk stranger)

Of course, if you accidentally put your whole-hearted attention into marketing it properly, you could sell more copies, make a bigger impact in the world, possibly get lavish praise in the media, open doors to new opportunities for yourself, and flip yourself into a career where money comes in, all that stuff. So please, DO NOT plan to market it. Or just pretend to plan to market it in the most ephemeral way possible. One very clever would-be author told me years ago that "if Oprah sends the limo, I'll get in it." That was his entire marketing plan. (Such a genius! Unfortunately, I was not able to sign him on as a client...I knew he was far too smart for me.)

Just rest assured in this myth: "If you build it, they will come." With more than one million new books published annually and distributed just via Amazon, you will CERTAINLY be found! Heck! Your book's title alone will almost guarantee you sell a zillion copies! You built a better mousetrap. Your work is SO MUCH better than the estimated 21 million total competing books!

Readers will surely find your book! Angels, fairies or even the Great Pumpkin will market yours for you. Put cute pictures of your magical helpers on your vision board and you're all set! Instant Success!

These three simple strategies are guaranteed to help your book fail - before it even "hits the shelves." You won't have to worry about the stresses of success. You won't need to worry about all that royalty money you'll be leaving to your heirs. (Whew!) Best of all, no literary agent will want to represent you, because your work is sloppy, unprofessional or ill-considered; your attitude is poor; and/or you are unteachable. You'll get enough rejections to justify your decision to self-publish, and the resulting failure to sell enough copies to cover even your basic publishing expenses will sour you on the entire process of publishing, create no results for you (or your business if you're writing nonfiction for a reason) and you'll clear the decks for the next sucker who also absolutely wants to fail at this.

Thank you for your contribution to the self publishing industry's economy and for adding another to the heap of worthless copyright numbers stuck in the Library of Congress.

Oh, a side note: For the .001% of you who actually honestly want to succeed as authors, just do the opposite of what I've advised above.

Wendy Keller is a literary agent with a bad attitude after almost 30 years of listening to unpublished writers pitch her on their weak ideas for nonfiction books. These days, the only way to get her as your agent is to have someone she knows to personally recommend you to her -OR- to be so successful already in the world; in your industry; with your IPO; as a speaker or podcaster; on LinkedIn or another social media; or in any traditional media; that when you write her a private message here, she'll be roused to enthusiasm and invite you to share your book idea. www.KellerMedia.com/sold-list

HINT: Read this first: www.KellerMedia.com/submission-guidelines.