How to express unpleasant emotions?

#Anger #strain #boredom #sadness....... Is there anything good about unpleasant emotions and how can we best express them resourcefully?

Unpleasant emotions all emerge in a similar pattern. When a situation or experience presents itself that is less than our preferred state, the void between the reality and the expectation can give rise to unpleasant emotions. The emotions are telling us that something is not being meet. I use the word BEING because at a deep level we each seek to BE in an inner state of wellbeing that is harmonious with our experience in life.

When we find our wellbeing at threat, we can respond in different ways depending on our primal defence mode:

Fight Response (To destroy) – Frustration, injustice, discontent, anger, rage

Freeze Response (To hide) – Apathy, numbness, confusion, strain, overwhelmed

Fawn Response (To appease) – Submission, lost sense of self, boredom, anxiousness

Flight Response (To run) - Withdrawal, loneliness, sadness, depression

Research by ShareTree using Emotional Pulse and others reveals that expressing emotions can reduce fear and strengthen relationships – Relationships and Fear Response

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So if naming and expressing unpleasant emotions can be good for us, how do we best manage our way through emotions when it can be so uncomfortable to do?

When unpleasant emotions arise the first thing to do is reflect and ask yourself (or others) the following questions:

1.??? What is your expectation or need?

2.???What are your boundaries?

3.???Are your needs and boundaries fair, rational, balanced, and harmonious or are you being triggered due to past trauma, control or self-righteousness?

4.???What can I communicate, change or create to move into greater harmony?

Even if the emotion is triggered by another, it is ours to own, and the choice is also ours to decide if work with the emotion for growth or if we un-resourcefully project it onto others.

More often than not, we can create unfair or unrealistic expectations. Talking to a trusted, wise and truthful friend, colleague or coach, can help bring clarity about the fairness of our expectations and needs. If your expectations and needs are unfair, uncontrollable, or unrealistic, then detachment and time is always the best approach.

Sometimes our expectations and needs are fair, controllable, and realistic and in these situations, it requires us to communicate with others for growth.

When you are ready to express your unpleasant emotions to others, here’s how to do it in a resourceful way for growth and deeper connection.

1.???BE Clear

• Pick appropriate time to communicate safely
• Ask for permission to express yourself and express your intention to build better relationships (If you can't do this it might be an indicator that your needs and boundaries are un-resourceful)
• Let other people know explicitly that you are experiencing unpleasant emotions and because of this, it is more difficult than usual for you to communicate clearly. (This puts other people’s defence response at ease)

2.???BE Composed

• Calmly explain how you are feeling and what’s creating it without blame, forced expectation, or projection
• Make clear your needs and pro-actively suggest changes that will help meet your needs and expectations without diminishing those of another

3.???BE Collaborative

• Invite suggestion from the other and remind them that your intention is to build better connection to them and with yourself
• Be prepared to compromise if you find competing needs.

Things to avoid:

• Telling instead of asking
• Blaming others for your state
• Shaming others for their response
• Expecting others to resolve your feelings
• Threatening others directly or by taking something away

Things to do:

• State your intention to connect
• Invite understanding
• Pro-actively suggest alternatives
• Collaborate to find solutions
• Make the other person feel safe to listen

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There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this situation because emotions are complexed and form in a part of the brain that is separate to language and reasoning.

Being kind to yourself and others is always a safe catch all approach.

For further exploration and practical reflection activities visit Tara Brach's Podcast