How to engage with your parents when you accept that they will never be who you want them to be

With my mental health journey taking me places within myself, one of the finer things that I have come to accept is “who my parent will never be.”

At the start of my mental health recovery, I found myself sad, weepy, morose when I saw little kids with their very emotionally aware and available parents. It pained me to think I never had that. It pained me even more to realise that I probably will never have it.?

With my parents ageing, and the changes to their physicality, emotional mindsets, and mental health - it became even more difficult to articulate who is it that I wanted them to be.?

I am 35, and a lot of my care, concern for my parents is around their health, and maintenance now. I am the one who’s mothering them, figuring out what they need and when and how to keep it flowing.?

As parents deal with the frailties of ageing, there are times when I absorb quite a bit of the emotional turmoil. Earlier it would upset me. It would drive me to the point where I would tell myself - if only I could get away from them, or I won’t ever come back here, or Thank God I have another house. Now it only makes me feel their angst deeper. While I do feel like I have been kicked in the shin in some situations, for most of the other situations, I can pretty much go on with my day.?

The trick is to not let a difficult situation become a traumatising one.

And after a point of time, where I am triggered by another’s behaviour, I have realised that I have got to take charge of myself. It’s not on anybody else to protect me. It’s only on me.?

Protection from difficult situations can manifest in two ways; and I have done both.?

The first is remarkably easy and tough - maintaining physical and emotional distance.?

Initially I walled myself off. I wouldn’t let emotions in. I maintained distance from those parts of my parents that upset or hurt me. I maintained distance and thought that distance would solve a lot of my problems with them.?

It solved some, and it did not solve a few others.?

With the distance, I found myself with a lot of emotional space to understand what it is that I was feeling. I took the time to understand which needs of mine were unmet, and I did my own journey of meeting those things.?

I have forever been a people pleaser. Now I can’t say “I miss you too” to another person, no matter how lovingly they are saying it. If I don’t feel it, I can’t bring myself to say it. People pleasing kept me safe when I was growing up.?

Now I can keep myself safe. I have taught myself that another’s reaction to anything is not on me.?

Earlier if my parents fought, I would feel the whole burden of not upsetting the boat further. I would tip toe around them. I would do the right things. I would adjust, minimise, shrink myself to not jar them further.?

Now I don’t let their altercations affect me. I realise it’s between them, and if at all they bleed on me, I point it out and tell them off, without losing my cool. The first time I did that, my legs were shaking. The tenth time I did that, it felt like I had done it forever.

Distance helped with that.?

I had the misconception though that physical distance meant I would be able to emotionally separate myself from them. Well that part is both true and false. Yeah some bit of emotional distance happened when I wasn’t;t privy to what was going on with them all the time, but then quite a bit of it did still come my way.?

I am the confidant to both my parents. So I have had to step up for myself and tell them that don’t tell me things that don’t concern me. I refused to emotionally parent them or friend them. I really only wanted to be their kid.?

That has been a journey and I have tried to be as supporting of myself as I can be. At times guilt sets in. These are the years when they need me a lot, and so maintaining that distance can be tough.?

Also I have realised that there is just so much hope I have that things just might turn around for my parents.?

A big part of growing up is realising that if something hasn’t solved itself in 40 years, chances are it might never. And that whether it did or not, that’s not a burden for me to carry.?

The second is definitely tougher - selective engagement and respectful detachment.?

Yeah those are complex words.?

After realising that my parents might never be what I completely want them to be, I decided to engage only in situations that I thought I could handle. In the beginning it would end up in outbursts. I would be highly emotional when I refused them some kind of service or expectation. Now with time, it is rather transactional like. I say No and I go on with my day. I don’t guilt myself into an explanation.?

Respectful detachment looks like that. I can tell my parents that I can be bothered about this and that, but not about certain other things. Over time they too have got the hang of what they can and what they shouldn’t expect from me.?

I am emotionally available to my parents, but I obsessively listen to the cues that my body is sending me.

If something is getting my stomach into knots, I know this is going against my self care, and I withdraw myself from that situation. I can choose to re-engage with them later after I am feeling better, but till then I wall off all and any kind of communication about it.?

It has also definitely made me patient with them. Very patient. I know that this version of me is new to them. And it makes sense to give them to adjust their asks of me.

The process might upset them and at times hurt them, but that’s my key to not letting a difficult day become a traumatising one.?

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Grief is something that I feel a lot in this journey.?

???? Grieving what I never had

???? Grieving what I will never have

???? Grieving that I am misunderstood?

???? Grieving that my boundaries are not respected at time?

???? Grieving that I have to be so possessive of myself with my parents?

And that’s okay.?

I have learned to accept the grief. It is this acceptance that has changed the game for me.?

When I kept hoping despite their behaviour, it was a new heart break each time. But now I see it only as an extension of their behaviour, which I have come to realise is that they can’t help.?

At times many people in our lives won’t have the resources to apologise to us, or to accept that they hurt us - in all times like these, we need to carry our banner ourselves and have to find a way to carry on.?

If it’s hurting you, it doesn’t need to be validated by another. The pain is validation enough. It may or may not be stemming from a reality (read something about it here), but the pain is real.?

Indulge that hurt. Let it stop hurting before you start digging into why it hurt you so much.?

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Once we let go of what things should be. We come to see things as they are. And that is a 1000x better for living our realities.?