How Emotionally Intelligent People Give Critical Feedback

“You know, you're the type of manager the rest of us hate.”

I’ve never forgotten when someone told me that.

I was only 23, and I was working in a factory in downtown Brooklyn. We were making encyclopedias (remember those?), and our job was to quality check these huge hardcover books before sending them through a shrinkwrapping machine.

In sweltering heat.?On the 12th floor, with no air conditioning.

This was no easy job.

And I wasn’t making it any easier.

I was young and stupid, and all I cared about were how many books we could get done in a day. So when a line worker made a mistake, I reamed him out.?He snapped back.

I stood there, speechless. His words cut deep.

Since that day, I’ve often wondered:

How do you give critical feedback in a way that others view as helpful, instead of harmful?

It took me years, but I had the privilege to get schooled by some amazing mentors.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

Praise regularly.

People won’t see you as someone who’s trying to help, until they know?you see them?as someone who’s trying at all.

So, pay attention to the good others are doing. Recognize their potential.

Then, say something.

When you give positive reinforcement, make sure you’re:

• Sincere (keep it real)
• Specific (tell them what you appreciate, and why)
• Not only giving praise when you have to give critical feedback, too (otherwise they'll see right through it)

If you’re quick to point out the positive things others are doing, they’ll be more willing to listen when you point out areas for improvement.

Give the other person a chance to express themself.

Give your communication partner a degree of control.

Ask them questions like:

• How do you feel about (how you did, this situation, etc.)?
• What are your challenges?
• How can I help?

By doing this, you learn more about how things look through the other person's eyes…and how you can contribute to solving problems, instead of adding to them.

Acknowledge their feelings and empathize.

Before giving any tips for improvement, share a struggle you’ve had in the past, and how someone helped make you better.

Then, ask if you can share something that you think will help them, too.

Thank the other person for listening.

A simple thanks goes a long way. They might even surprise you and thank you back.

This isn’t a specific formula for every situation. Once you’ve established a certain level of trust, you can be more straightforward with your feedback…

But focus on making it constructive. Not critical.

I learned a lot about the power of constructive feedback from one of my first bosses.

Marc was awesome—always focused on the positive and looking for things to commend.

But when I messed up, he had no problem letting me know.

The thing is, I always felt that Marc cared. He wanted our team to succeed, but he wanted me to succeed, too.?In fact, Marc had such a deep impact on me, I still keep in touch with him—20 years after we stopped working together.

Learning to give emotionally intelligent feedback completely changes how others see you. You’re not the clueless colleague, or the boss who just doesn’t get it. You’re not the spouse or parent who’s impossible to please.

Instead, you’re the one who cares. The one who’s got their backs. The one who wants to make them better.

It just doesn't get more emotionally intelligent than that.

Try This

To turn your feedback from critical to constructive:

1. Start looking for opportunities to commend. To build a habit, set a recurring appointment in your calendar, and write down things you appreciate about colleagues, your boss, or family members.?

Then, schedule a time to tell them those things.

2. When offering specific constructive feedback, remember to:

● Give the person a chance to express themselves

● Acknowledge their feelings and empathize

● Thank them for listening

PS: Remember, these tips are all about how to give great feedback. But if you’re on the receiving end, you don’t have that luxury: You’ve got to take what you’ve got and learn from it. More on that in next week's newsletter.

PPS: Want to learn more about how to increase your emotional intelligence?

Sign up for my free email course: Free Emotional Intelligence Course From EQ Applied

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