How to Elevate Your Mentoring Skills (Part 3): 6 Mentoring Disciplines for Better Mentoring Relationships

6 mentoring disciplines

In the first two articles of this series on mentoring, we’ve discussed establishing solid foundations and overcoming common pitfalls. In this final article, let’s develop and commit to 6 mentoring disciplines that, when practised, lead to an outstanding mentor/mentee relationship.

#1 Make safety your number one priority.

The human brain’s primary function is survival, and so is constantly scanning its environment for threat, and at any given moment placing itself in a towards (positive, reward) or away (negative, threat) state. Of course, it’s’ a gradient scale with extremes and subtleties. But even in a slightly away state, we’re not at our thinking best.

To serve your mentee as deeply as possible – which might include sharing difficult feedback, offering some strong challenge or exploring options beyond their current comfort zone (at least, in their own mind) – you’ll want to keep both of you in a towards state by making psychological safety your priority.

Do that by confirming (and re-confirming) the confidentiality agreement you share; “placing” your mentee at the start of every session, making clear the process, how long you’ll speak for, on what topics and to what end; and by continually seeking permission before taking the conversation to new levels of depth, challenge and stretch.

#2 Be crystal clear on your boundaries and agreements.

The mentor/mentee relationship is a professional one. And that’s a thought worth reiterating because as your collaborative partnership develops and deepens, it’s a distinction (professional self vs. personal self) that can get lost – by either or both of you.

Get crystal-clear on your boundaries, in your own mind first; and then in collaborative agreement with your mentee. Also spend quality time co-creating the agreement. This phase of “contracting” is not to be an afterthought or a quick box-checking exercise. This is fundamental activity and worth giving significant time and attention.

#3 Continually challenge the thinking level.

One of the significant benefits for your mentee of their time with you is the opportunity to think at a whole new level. In the day-to-day milieu, it’s so easy to become bogged down in the detail and lose that sense of perspective so much-needed when working on big topics and grand plans.

The first step in helping your mentee to elevate their thinking is to be well-disciplined when it comes to your own thinking and listening. Your practice is to maintain a “clarity of distance”, to listen at all levels whilst keeping out of the minutiae, and to make the keen distinction between what’s merely interesting and what’s genuinely useful. This is a practised skill – so make it something you practice.

Then, bring the challenge to your mentee with strong and expansive questions like: How much more challenge and stretch could you add to this and still have it be achievable? What bigger vision is this a part of? If this were just the first step, what’s the ultimate destination? How else could you take this even further?

#4 Drop any expectation of having all the answers.

The label of “Mentor” implies a status and position that can make it very easy to expect of ourselves to have all the answers for our mentee. But giving all the answers is the not the service you offer your mentee. Yes, from time-to-time you may have experience- or expertise-based suggestions that would benefit your mentee. But more than that, you’re there to champion your mentee, not your ability to have compelling answers.

Rule One: Drop any expectation on yourself to have all the answers. Focus on being masterful at managing the process (rather than the content). Learn to enjoy the emergent process of working on challenges together and seeing where the conversation takes you both. Be ok with saying “I don’t know”. And come to know that sharing your own limitations can also be helpful for your mentee.

#5 Watch for taking too much responsibility.

Both parties in the relationship have responsibilities and commitments to one another, all of which will have been made clear (right?!) in the early stages of setting-up your framework. But just as we can feel an expectation to have all the answers, we can also feel the temptation to take more than our fair share of the responsibility.

Taking-on responsibility comes from a good place – and can feel pretty good, too. But every extra slice of responsibility I assume, is a slice of responsibility I’ve robbed my mentee of. Rather, my focus my stay strong on supporting my mentee to take responsibility and find their own path – not to walk it for them.

A final thought: that which we resist, persists! I cannot “deeply resist” the temptation to take responsibility without making the whole process of ceding responsibility so much harder on myself. Instead: accept that, from time-to-time, I will slip into taking too much responsibility. And that when I do, I’ll simply notice it; and gently take steps to promote more responsibility in and from my mentee.

#6 Recognise your own need for support.

A final – and committed! – step to take in elevating your mentorship skills is to recognise your own need for support and engage both a mentor and a supervisor for yourself. And I’m suggesting two distinct roles (a “mentor” and a “supervisor”) because it’s useful not to confuse these different types of support: one allows you to experience the process of mentoring and know what’s most helpful, as a mentee; whilst the other allows you to work specifically on your mentorship skills and get input on the challenges you’ll face.

Thanks for reading.

I really appreciate your readership. And if you’d like to receive more articles like this, direct to your inbox, you can subscribe here.

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Dan Beverly is a leadership and performance coach to scores of high-achieving professional women. His coaching work helps them to advance their leadership agenda, accelerate their career and achieve their highest possible potential.

If you'd like to talk to Dan about coaching as an option, schedule your call here.

https://danbeverly.com

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