How to Ease the Burden of Expectations

By: Gwen Garrison

"I am a single Mom of a 13-year old boy who does nothing but EAT! My food budget has doubled, which has taken away from being able to buy many of the luxuries like video games. It’s definitely a struggle and as he gets older, he’s just going to eat more.”

This comment from a FB friend reminded me of a time my friend’s 14-year old son came home and ate an entire roast chicken for an after-school snack. Unfortunately, it was supposed to be their dinner!

If children are old enough for their choices to impact the family’s finances, then they need to be “read in” to the entire budgeting and spending process for the family. Kids are going to know when parents are anxious about money. You cannot spare them that. Best to be honest and up front about what’s going on and give them to power to collaborate with you on improving things. 

As a single working mom who didn’t always receive child support, finances were often tight at our house. I had to set expectations with my kids about what was possible and what was not. I had to tell them what I could provide for them and what they would have to earn money for and pay for themselves. Unfortunately, we lived in one of the less affluent neighborhoods of a very affluent (but excellent) school system. Many of their friends jetted to New York for shopping trips on their parents’ employee flight benefits. Many of those same kids were gifted new cars on their 16th birthdays. Many of those families ate out frequently at nice restaurants. We did not. We rarely even went to movies at a theater but rented videos (back in the Blockbuster days).

We had to make some tough choices. For example, I told my daughters I would match whatever they saved to buy a used car and help them pick one out. They had a monthly clothes budget and it covered everything from underwear to dance team uniforms to prom dresses. Or they did without. We saved for vacations and they knew what our budget was when we went on one.

I believe the way you teach kids to manage expectations about money is to show them it is not unlimited. It is not up to the adults in the family to earn enough money to satisfy a child’s desire for whatever they want. It is up to the family as a whole to allocate available resources for the good of the group. Sometimes there is extra money for fun stuff. Sometimes there is not.

I could not help feeling sad when they were frustrated or disappointed or envious of someone else’s stuff or experiences. Of course, we all want more for our kids than we can sometimes give them. But it’s not worth going into debt to satisfy those longings. It’s not worth causing problems in a marriage.  It’s not worth teaching kids bad habits.

At the time, I had no idea that I was giving my kids something much more valuable than toys, clothes, or trips. I was teaching them to take responsibility for themselves financially. They learned that money is a finite resource to be managed. When there is lots of it, you can do more. And when there is less, you can choose to pinch pennies in one area of your life to get what you want somewhere else. All 3 of them are great at that now. They are financially self-supporting and good managers of money. They value savings and investments. 

They didn’t learn that because their mom is a financial advisor. They learned that because their mom insisted that first things come first. That they would survive if I said “No.” Consequently, they learned to say, “No” to themselves when necessary so they can say “yes” to creating the life they want. When you let go of expectations, then it becomes all about choices. And choices are extremely powerful.

If you need help sorting through expectations and choices, give Gwen Garrison a call at (678) 364-9677 or Sibyl Slade a call at 770-283-9574 or schedule a visit online today at www.lifeplanfin.com.