How Does Your Approach to Conflict Shape the Outcome?
Ralph Kilmann
Co-Author of the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI): Celebrating the TKI's 50th Anniversary Year (1974–2024)
I’m publishing this newsletter series to discuss the nuances of the four timeless topics for people and organizations: conflict, change, transformation, and consciousness. You can subscribe to never miss an article.
Even if you choose to avoid for the right reasons, what you actually say to people just before you withdraw from the situation does make a difference. Different people handle it in different ways. One person might avoid a conflict by expressing themselves this way: “I’ve had enough of this nonsense! I’m not going to waste any more of my time. I’m out of here.” Another person may take this approach: “I’ve just realized I need more time to think about this topic and discuss these issues with my colleagues. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. Let’s set up another meeting for next week. By then, I’ll be ready to address the matter.”
The person in the first instance of avoiding would probably come across as insensitive, condescending, and even demeaning. Because of the manner in which they left the situation, the other people involved might feel hurt or abandoned.
The person in the second instance shows regard for the other people in the conflict situation. Although they are still withdrawing, it’s more likely that everyone concerned will have an easier time understanding and accepting their avoiding behavior because the reasons for it have been explained to them.
Essentially, which conflict mode you choose and how you then use it are two very different things!
Let’s consider the same principle applied to collaborating. One person may choose to express their desire for collaboration this way: “We have to discuss these issues! You have no choice! I’m tired of superficial solutions that aren’t based on our joint needs. If you don’t sit down and share your deepest concerns with me, I’ll no longer support your priorities in the workplace.”
Another person may express themselves like this: “I really need your help. I’ve been very frustrated with our previous decisions, which haven’t seemed to address our most important needs. I’d like to share with you what matters most to me. And then, if you are willing, I’d really like to hear your most important concerns. Maybe we can figure out how to change the situation for both our sakes. Let’s give it a try.”
Based on basic TKI definitions, both individuals are using the collaborating mode. In the first instance, the attempt to collaborate will probably come across as bullying. Perhaps this is not the best way to elicit an open and candid dialogue about important and complex issues. In the second instance, the attempt to collaborate is more inviting—one that will likely engender mutual respect and a genuine exchange of ideas.
In the end, the second approach will lead to a more creative solution, while the first approach will put the other people on the defensive and shut down a conversation that is sorely needed.
Tip #2
Choosing a mode wisely and using that mode in the most constructive way possible will go far in producing the best resolution possible — rather than generating bad feelings and a disappointing outcome.
This article is part of a series:
Kilmann Diagnostics offers a series of eleven recorded online courses and nine assessment tools on the four timeless topics: conflict management, change management, consciousness, and transformation. For more information about these online courses and how to earn your Certification in Conflict and Change Management with the Thomas-Kilmann Instrument (TKI), visit: https://kilmanndiagnostics.com . For the most up-to-date and comprehensive discussion of Dr. Kilmann’s theories and methods for achieving long-term organizational success, see his 2021 Legacy Book: Creating a Quantum Organization.
Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com