How Does Grief Show Up at Work?

Have you ever heard of the 5 stages of grief? If not, I'll refresh your memory.They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

When someone experiences a loss, people in their circle often refer to this theory by Elisabeth Kubler Ross. These 5 stages are confused as a process for the LIVING to work through and cope with death.

However, this theory was meant to showcase what happens when someone is in the process of DYING. For instance, this is a common pattern when someone has received a cancer diagnosis and can anticipate his or her own death. When Kubler Ross wrote Death and Dying, it was a patient-focused theory.

So stop bringing that up as a means for healing.

The truth about loss is that there is no magic formula for getting through it. Everyone grieves differently and feels an extreme range of emotions. One day this person can feel "okay" and the next day they might want to punch a wall.

If the person who has passed was significantly closer to the bereaved, the pain can last for years or even a lifetime. There is no "getting over it."

I know it can be hard to witness this, but like I said, grief is not linear and you can't expect someone to heal on a timeline.

This can be additionally challenging when the loss was unexpected and sudden. If your loved one was here one day and gone the next...Whoof. Talk about traumatizing and earth shattering.

On the flip side, consider the feeling around losing a grandparent or friend who has lived for 70+ years. Their journey feels more "complete" and their death may be welcomed and even celebrated.

There is another layer to this emotional onion when the living ANTICIPATE loss. My father has been dying for the last 20 or so years and I go through cycles of wondering if he will die today. (For more context, he has been hospitalized several times over, on the brink of death as a result of his paraplegia.) Each time this happens, I personally die a little inside.

Grief doesn't make a lot of sense. I recently lost a friend. And this was probably the weirdest loss I've experienced in my lifetime. He was going through a mental health crisis and disappeared in January. The police, his family, and friends all searched for him for months.

Throughout this process, I knew his death was a possibility, but I kept wanting to believe he was hiding out in the Caribbean having the time of his life. I think everyone that knew him was hoping he was going to come home.

But he didn't. His remains were found and confirmed to be his through a medical examination. Now that I have this revelation, my brain has morbidly wandered into the territory of what he experienced in his last moments. He was out on a mountain in sub zero temperatures. What was he feeling? Why was he there? Pretty scary thoughts. And a seemingly horrific way to die.

How does this tie into how I show up to work? Well I have to show up with a broken heart. The heart needs to feel before it can heal.

What does that look like? I have been vulnerable with my team mates and my boss. I have opened up about my memories and how I'm feeling that day. They know it is not an easy road I'm on and are giving me time and space.

Honestly, that's one of the best things you can do for a grieving employee or colleague. Let them take the lead. For example, when my dad is in the emergency room and there is a total lack of control as to whether or not he will live...I want to work. I want to feel like I have some semblance of control over outcomes in my day to day.

I also really appreciate it when someone acknowledges to me that I'm having a hard time. A Zoom chat, phone call or quick text just to say, "Hi I'm here for you. I know this is difficult." Can go a looooong way.

Additionally I have to gauge appropriately what I can handle in my work day. Setting a boundary for myself on what I can or can't complete is really important. Equally important is feeling like I can take time off when needed. And I do feel that I have that trust with my current employer.

My boss said to me, "The work will be here when you get back. Take all the time you need." Sigh. What a supportive statement! Be that kind of boss if you can. It's a good way to show up for your staff.

For those working and grieving --do what you have to do to get through. That might be through art, exercise, vegging out, watching a movie, or doing something to remember your loved one each day. Do what feels right. And don't let anyone stop you.

Sincerely,

Your Grieving Professional

Stephanie Jerome