How does failure feel?

LinkedIn is an amazing place.?I am constantly dazzled (humbled!) by the honours won, promotions achieved, erudition published, and great causes supported. But, just supposing this is not the whole truth, or might, possibly, be bullshit,[1] perhaps it is worth spending a moment considering failure.

What is failure??Some is obvious. That excruciating lower back pain as I stoop to tie a shoelace; that strange pop in my knee as I pull on a stiff sock, leaving me briefly unable to walk, clearly amount to physical failures. But ones fairly easily made good, with no lasting damage. No, the failures I mean are the ambitions unrealised, the potential unfulfilled, the dreams thwarted. ?In this I do have a sneaking sympathy with Prime Minister Johnson – I mean, who would not want to be ‘world king’?[2]?So how do you handle not in fact being world king? Here are a few suggestions that a friend passed on.

• Try again. It might be that there is a quite specific lack to make good. In that easy case, buckle down, do the work, come back stronger. That’s how driving instructors make their money.
• Once processes are beyond a certain level of competitiveness, chance comes in, so you may lose out unfairly.?For Oxford university more than 23,000 people applied for undergraduate study in 2020, and it usually has around 3,300 undergraduate places each year.[3]?I doubt the best 3,300 got the places, particularly given how hard it is to decide what 'best' means. This may be unfair, but as my then 3 year old said to me “life’s like that”.
• Aesop’s fox may have had a point: perhaps the grapes really were sour. I strived for years for a competition law role, but at 2am, reviewing a data annex in some urgent merger filing – I did rather wonder why.?
• Embrace it.?Bear with me – but if you haven’t failed, then you haven’t really tried.?It is only by reaching and even over-reaching that you know what you are capable of. And if you think ‘knowing yourself’ is a good idea, then failure must be part of that learning process. Still hurts, though.
• Oliver James makes two key points in explaining increasing prevalence of depression and dissatisfaction.[5]?First, discounting. We take for granted what we have, and don’t value it. If you are physically fit (by any standard), and have enough food, and access to drinking water and energy, you are already doing very well by world-historical standards. ?Yet chances are, these are things you take utterly for granted.?Second, comparators. In a local world, you might compare yourself with the best-looking and cleverest person in your village. In a global world, your comparators are the cleverest, best-looking people in existence, or at least on the digitally and surgically-enhanced, gym-buffed, re-edited, gagwriter-assisted, Internet.?That’s not going to make anyone feel good.?So, go get some perspective.
• Deploy the usual responses to low-grade depression: avoid alcohol and drugs; take exercise; eat bananas (possibly good for serotonin, though at non-ecstatic levels); sex helps oxytocin levels (though this is another un-alluring reason); try and sleep well. I recommend the World Service – if it does not send you to sleep, you will at least be better informed.
• Self-pity.?Fintan O’Toole writes perceptively about the joys of self-pity – the tragic heroism of not getting the prizes you deserve.[4] ?Wallow in it!?You are marvellous and yes, life really is unfair. I refer you to Bach’s cello suites, Schubert’s Winterreise, and The Smiths back catalogue – all of it. But at some point, try and sober up and realise self-pity won’t change a thing.
• But just maybe you just are not good enough.?That is very hard to acknowledge and accept, and this is something no one will tell you, or at least not outright. ?(If they do, you’ll hate them.) Our culture (not just LinkedIn) is stuffed full of tales of success and never giving up, and ambitions ultimately fulfilled.?Lewis Hamilton is a recent example, talking of determination and chasing his dreams.[6]?He failed to mention that he is a fabulously talented driver. ?Knowing when to give up is both hard and important.[7]?There is so often another chance: whether you should hang around to take it is another question. ?In imperial China, bright men spent much of their lives taking and failing the civil service exams…[8] ?It can be easier to keep going than to give up. Easier, but not better.?

‘Failure’ amounts to the perceived gap between ambition and reality – so closing that gap can entail either improving the reality or adjusting the ambition.?That’s easier said than done.?Ultimately, I think the AA prayer may be the best guide, or at least I haven’t found a better one: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."[9]

[1] Defined and discussed here: https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/truth-lies-bullshit-mark-bethell/

[2] https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-21836935

[3] https://www.ox.ac.uk/about/facts-and-figures/admissions-statistics?I expect the ratios were even worse at the better universities.

[4] Heroic Failure: Brexit and the Politics of Pain.?He attributes Brexit in part to self-pity: we won the war, but didn’t receive the plaudits we felt we deserved.

[5] Britain on the Couch.

[6] https://www.formula1.com/en/latest/article.seventh-title-beyond-wildest-dreams-admits-hamilton-who-says-keeping.5IhtoOVVVFOi4LJKvWZ1z7.html

[7] ?In some circumstances failure to give up may be fatal.?See Jon Krakauer’s ‘Into Thin Air’.?Summit fever led some climbers to the top of Mount Everest, but so late and in such a weakened state that they died on the descent, although they were also unlucky with the weather.

[8] After a third examination failure in 1837, Hong Xiuquan had a nervous breakdown, realized that he was the son of God and Jesus’s younger brother, and launched the Taiping rebellion that cost perhaps 20 million lives. I wonder how his examiners felt.

[9] In writing this I was beset by clichés: birds in hand, sour grapes, far green fields, counting your blessings, plenty more fish in the sea, baths slowly getting cold, the best is the enemy of the good, etc, etc.?I guess while trite, they do capture persistent home truths (aargh!?– there goes another one!) Or at least, this shows this problem has been around for a long time.