A relational paradigm: Freud & your Freudian Friend, where Therapy and Love intersect

In order to address the question of how a counsellor differs from a friend, it is important to first consider how the terms ‘counselling’ and ‘friendship’ are defined. Speaking on the nature of counselling, 1Saunders (2011, 6) writes: ‘People become engaged with counselling when a person, occupying regularly or temporarily the role of counsellor, offers or agrees explicitly to offer time, attention and respect to another person or persons temporarily in the role of the client. The task of the counsellor is to give the client an opportunity to explore, discover and clarify ways of living more resourcefully and towards greater well-being.’

From personal experience, a friend means someone who is almost always available, who lets you into their lives as much as you let them into yours. In the space of friendship, one feels cultural similarities play a huge role. Friendship also involves sympathy, advice, shared backgrounds and opinions.

This article will focus on the concepts of helping, boundaries, self-awareness and empathy in order to draw a distinction between a friend and a counsellor. Firstly, let us look at the counsellor: he helps the client to explore what is holding them back from living their life to its full potential and unearthing any potential issues. ‘Helping’ in this case refers to identifying the kind of help that the client needs and arming them with the tools to help them to work through their issues. A counsellor can achieve this through a number of methods: the Psychodynamic Approach, the Person-Centred Approach, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Transactional Analysis.

Secondly, this article will consider the concept of a friend in order to emphasise the way in which this relationship differs from that of a counsellor and a client. To this end, the article will explore the friendship I share with Adrie: my best friend. This friendship is based on shared experiences and a sense of a shared cultural identity. This article will seek to demonstrate that, ultimately, a true friend and a counsellor want what is best for us in terms of growth, happiness and living a full-life; however, the way in which both parties approach this is fundamentally different.

To illustrate this, let us consider the way in which a counsellor may seek to help their client. For example, the counsellor may utilize the method of psychodynamic counselling to help the client to identify and understand the reasons behind their problems. McLeod explains this in greater detail: ‘Psychodynamic counselling places great emphasis on the counsellor’s ability to use what happens in the immediate unfolding relationship between client and counsellor to explore the types of feelings and relationship dilemma that have caused difficulties for the client in his or her everyday life. The aim of psychodynamic counselling is to help clients to achieve insight and understanding around the reasons for their problems, and translate this insight into a mature capacity to cope with current and future difficulties’ (2McLeod, 2009, 81). We explore and use the teachings of Freud, who believed that what happened during our youth and early childhood plays a great deal in the shaping of our personalities.

I grew up with Adrie. He lived in the house next door, yet, whenever we would talk about our youth I would notice that there would be discrepancies between what I remember and what he remembers. Remarkably, what I will often notice is the phrase: Do you not remember that? I find myself agreeing but not necessarily remembering the details the same way that he does. From this, a created plausible reality emerges by means of explanation or adaptation. This limitation would not occur in the relationship with the counsellor. Using counselling tools, the counsellor revisits certain past occurrences, and leaves sharing what happened completely to the client. Whereas Adrie may frown and think: but that’s not what happened! Subsequently this would plant a seed of doubt within me. Friends discuss shared experiences, whereas a client discloses confidential information while the counsellor listens actively without filling in the blanks.

The person-centred approach is identified using two basic therapeutic principles: 1. the counsellor ‘seeks to create a relationship with the client that is characterised by a high degree of respect, equality and authenticity’. 2. The assumption ‘that it is particularly helpful to work with clients in ways that enable them to become more aware of their moment-by-moment or ‘here-and-now’ experiencing. The idea is that patterns of thought and feelings that are associated with difficulties in everyday life situations are being continually recreated’ and ultimately ‘…changed’ (2McLeod, 2009, 168). Carl Rogers, the founding father of the person-centred approach, ‘suggested during his talk …that the therapist could be of most help to clients by allowing them to find their own solution to their own problems.’(McLeod 2009, 170) That is how the six core conditions, which were designed to do exactly that, were born. Rogers suggested that if the six core conditions were met in a safe environment over a certain period of time, a constructive personality change could be created and healing could start to take place. These are: 1. two persons are in psychological contact. 2. The …client is in a state of incongruence, being both vulnerable and anxious. 3. The … therapist is congruent and integrated in the relationship. 4. The therapist experiences unconditional positive regard for the client. 5. The therapist experiences an empathic understanding of the clients’ internal frame of reference and endeavours to communicate this to the client. 6. The therapist’s empathic understanding and unconditional positive regard is to a minimal extent communicated with the client. (3Rogers 1957, 95)

 ‘Helping’ in a person-centred way and ‘helping’ within a friendship are not the same. When I think back on how my friends have ‘helped’ me in the past it is been in ways of love, a supportive vessel in the broadest sense of the word. ‘Helping’ in a person-centred way is about constant and complete congruence. My friends, no matter how noble their intentions, have not always been open and honest. A person-centred counsellor perhaps would have reflected and pointed out the potential patterns in order to explore what my role was in contributing to the situation.

The cognitive behavioural approach (CBT) ‘has been evolved out of behavioural psychology and has three key features: a problem solving, change-focused approach to working with clients; a respect for scientific values; and close attention to the cognitive processes through which people control their behaviour. (2McLeod 2009, 128) The basic principles are: 1. Apparent complex behaviour is a collection of more simple elements, which can be understood in terms of basic learning participles. 2. Learning requires reward and ignoring unwanted behavioural leads to their extinction or disappearance. Punishment suppresses the expression of response but does not eliminate them. 3. Whatever has been learned can be unlearned and modified through the application of learning principles. There are two ways in which new patterns can be acquired: classical conditioning and operant or instrumental conditioning. Because CBT has a clear way of tracking progress, it is the preferred method for certain institutions such as the prison facilities and Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). The AA uses tokens as a form of reward for the amounts of day’s sobriety held or the opposite; fear, shame or guilt for not being able to reach the goal or target set. In prisons, one can have a sentence shortened for ‘good behaviour’.

 Boundaries are important for a counsellor. A lot of emotional confusion is caused when boundaries are overstepped, and some of the reasons that clients start visiting a counsellor are to shed light on exactly these issues. That is why it is important that the counsellor ensures that his conduct is always professional, objective, and limited to strict time constraints. As friends, Adrie and I have few boundaries when it comes to our emotional, financial or spiritual involvement. Time has shaped our relationship and we understand what is acceptable, and what is not. One disadvantage of this is that we find it very hard to say ‘no’ to one another and to share disapproval when one feels that the other has overstepped boundaries. In this case, the personal nature of the relationship cripples us and prevents us from being completely honest and objective. The way in which the counsellor has to remain emotionally distant from the client ensures that there is no danger of over-familiarity preventing important issues from being discussed. This is why it is important that the necessary boundaries are maintained within a client-counselor relationship. However, when the counsellor feels the necessity to explore a perhaps difficult subject, boundaries (or fear of) should not be the reason that permits him from further exploration. Within the framework of friendship, socially or morally sometimes one has to choose not to disclose facts and stick to boundaries. Comparing boundaries between the two relationships we can assume that within the client-counsellor dynamic, the complete focus lies on the client, whereas within friendship the balance scale shows fifty percent on each side.

(2McLeod 2009, 252) The three core concepts; strokes, OK-ness and time-structure provide a way of understanding Transactional Analysis (TA). The concept idea behind a stroke is an act of recognition from one person to another’. These can be divided into positive stroking, liking or negative stroking; rejection, criticism etc. The idea of OK-ness ‘refers to a basic attitude of acceptance towards self and others. The preferred position in TA …to interact with other people from an: I’m OK, you’re OK.’ ‘From a TA perspective, there are six ways in which time can be structured: withdrawals, rituals, pastimes, activity, psychological games and intimacy.

As a counsellor, you are on a never-ending voyage of self-awareness and self-development, just like your clients. Here is an example: (4Yalom and Elkin 1974, 11)’…it is not sexual –Ginny does not stir sexual feelings in me-no that’s not completely true –she does…’ Or how Jacobs describes the following: ‘…people feel fleetingly guilty when they see a policeman, even when they have not broken the law.’ (51986, 67). When it comes to Adrie and me, however, I would argue that there is almost no self -awareness. In the relationship with him, I can open up and discuss my weaknesses, fears and strengths; this is a safe environment for me. The relationship with Adrie and me is not necessarily about growing or about it going somewhere; it is about the both of us just simply being. That is my script and it’s not being examined, looked at or questioned in any way, shape or form. As a counsellor, however, in the relationship with my client, I am going ask the client to look at the relationships they have with others. This process is done cautiously, critically and in dept with a sense of purpose and with self-awareness as the main tool.

The client is very much in charge and in many ways guides the ‘helping’ process. In regards to this, I wrote the following in my journal: I imagine the ‘helping’ process as a child that has to venture into a dark forest. The forest represents all that is hidden and known to him within his own mind. This adventure can seem daunting when embarking upon it, that is why one does not do that alone. This person you take with you is not a friend nor does he possess previous knowledge of this forest. Taking a friend with you could cloud judgment or undermine your power or perhaps cause confusion. The person that you take with you will be there to help you translate all that you see and uncover; you are the architect, the builder and the creator, but somewhere you got lost in your own world. You take your counsellor on this journey with you because he is knowledgeable, impartial and he will make sure that it is about you all the time. A friend cannot guarantee these conditions.

A counsellor is there to help you look at and lift certain blockages and hinders that have been created during developmental stages throughout your life. The counsellor helps you translate what you see but do not understand, he reflects yourself back to you. Clients walk away from a counsellor feeling physically tired and emotionally drained because of exploring parts within themselves that have been closed off from consciousness for a reason: they are hard to deal with and face. After going through this process a friend is there to give them the needed love and attention. A friend will be there any time of the day when needed. People need relationships in their lives, even though it may sometimes have been the source of pain, subsequently, a relationship will also be the key towards the healing process. This strengthens and gives hope. Where you do not need warmth, love and pity, you are given the truth, a mirror and an unpolished version of the facts about yourself from the counsellor; your friend will be there to help you through it, and complete the process by adding the necessary to the path of a fuller and complete life: love, warmth and a sense of belonging.

 References

1. Sanders, P. (2011) ‘First Steps in counselling a students.’ companion for

introductory courses’. Hants: Ashford Colour Press

2. McLeod, J. (2009) ‘An Introduction to counselling.’ Hants: Ashford Colour Press

3. Rogers. C.R. (1957) The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic

personality change, Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21, 95-103

4. Yalom, D. & Elkin, G. (1974) ‘Everyday a little closer.’ New York: Basic Books

5. Jacobs, M. ‘The Presenting Past.’ 1986 Summerset: Butler & Tanner Ltd, Frome

and London