How Do You Stay Happy all the time?

I was asked a question today that I get asked often - "How do you stay so happy all the time?"

I often stumble in my answers, because it came in steps. But here is the abbreviated version.

The biggest blockade to happiness is that our adult selves have been doing the (supposed to's) and the (must do's) for so long that we now have no idea what we could do for ourselves that would make us happy.

We have been focused on others, and that is a good thing. But it also develops a heart out of balance.

So attempting to bring forth happiness by asking your adult heart what will make you happy is a daunting task because we have NO IDEA and I recommend an easier road.

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Go deep into your head, build a wonderful room, a fire, a comfy chair, a cup of tea, whatever it takes to make it inviting.

Then invite your 3 year old self to come join you for a cuddle in your big cozy chair and ask him/her - "What could I do for you that would make you happy?" Like most 3 year olds, the answer will likely be very simple, ice cream or to watch Mulan for the 15th time, or for slippers with the bunny heads and tails she can wear around the house.

And then, if the ask can be accomplished, do it with his/her voice active in your head. Enjoy their happiness and note how it feels.

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Then we bring up the 15 year old self, the one who probably has a bit of a bone to pick with you, and isn't afraid to sit glaring at you from across the table.

This conversation might be more difficult as your 15 year old likely had big visions of behind the stage passes for her favorite band or a mad crush on the seemingly unreachable cute guy in school.

But he/she also likely has the messages of your first disappointment too, the first place you ceased doing something your heart really needed because of how someone else would react.

So be prepared for a harder ask, then get out your negotiation skills and really get down into the details of an event or thing he/she wants to do you can manage. This is likely to be a real breakthrough moment. I'll give myself as an example.

My 15 year old self sat glaring at me with a bored look on her face that, once goaded, flashed her eyes and said, "I thought we were going to be a chef! We were going to open a restaurant and live on a farm and grow the food for it. What happened to THAT!" And I had to ask her for time to consider this conversation which she thankfully granted me.

It took days before I went back to the room in my head and called her back to explain that we started on that route 3 days after High School graduation, that Culinary School costs were above me/my family at that time and so I went to work for a military friend of my parents who owned a restaurant and did well for over a year, learning a lot before Mom became sick and I felt the need to return home only to have a disabling car wreck one month later. Then the need to provide for myself made one of a million turns in my life and being a chef turned into joyful participation in catering parties, events, helping with Holiday preparation and baked good hand outs.

She wasn't pacified with my answer, by the way. She just sat with her arms and legs crossed bouncing her foot and making odd "whatever" eye roll movements.

"Okay", I said, "how about this, let's you and me go into business together and we will bring my Dad's old campsite cookout table to life which was called "Cowboy's Roadkill Cafe". I have his sign and whenever there is a need for people to be taken care of and fed in large numbers, I will call on you to purchase the materials, build the menu plan, do the cooking, you will have absolute rule of the event."

"Really" she asked, "You promise" and a little joy showed up in her face though suspicion was still the major stakeholder.

"Absolutely" I stated - and I have kept to that promise. Now we don't always drag out the sign, as it isn't always appropriate, but we do put on our music, dance in the kitchen and have a pretty good time together and as she learned to trust me, she shows up in my thoughts often now, now that I have given her space, and makes other pretty easy requests to honor and I think our relationship has improved along the way.

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Next was my 25 year old self, the one who had SO much life to live and was waiting for it to miraculously appear, she wants to have a sense of value and of purpose, she wants to contribute in a meaningful way. She carries a lot of disappointment, disillusionment and frustration with me on my views of the world and how it works. She says "Not for me" a LOT!

She entered the room, quiet, poised, stared me straight in the eye for a time before simply saying "What are we doing that has any MEANING?"

"Define MEANING" I asked, stalling for time.

"Once we transition from this life, what will we have accomplished that MATTERS to the world? she flung at me.

Now this conversation got very philosophical and very lengthy and I won't bore you with all the ways I attempted to get out of the spotlight knowing that I had been blowing off this part of my personality for years, and not in a rude or even dismissive way. No, it was worse, I ignored the question because I didn't have the answer. What gave something MEANING and made it MATTER to the WORLD?

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So once again I asked for time and it was grudgingly granted - I think she fully expected me to flee the room and never invite her to return - after all that was what I had been doing for years.

But the answer was quite simple. What gives the world MEANING is finding your personal vision and gift and then what MATTERS is you bringing that gift into into the world with your whole heart. In short, you need to know what makes you, well, YOU and then genuinely and daily bring it into all that you do each day.

MEANING wasn't a crusade I had to go perform, like save the whales, or pull plastic out of the ocean - it wasn't a state of DOING, at all, it was a state of BEING and throughout all my cause related functioning, none of it will ever MATTER to the world as much as who I am BEING when I do even the seemingly inconsequential tasks.

So after I returned to talk to her, gave her my beautifully crafted answer, she hit me with round 2.

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"So what is your vision then? What is this person you will be BEING that is so needed by the world? her eyes boring into me again.

"The world and all the energies upon and within it feed from one source, LOVE and what is love but absolute acceptance of every person, at every stage of their walk, regardless of whether I agree with it, like it, or comprehend it.

And I'm good at loving people. Now that doesn't mean I have to overlook things that are being explored by them that could conflict with my vision of self care -and I am perfectly fine with loving people from a distance in these cases. But I will love the world and myself and that is a MEANING and what MATTERS to me. Because the need seems to be pretty big right now and I think there is probably a job opening, I quipped.

She wasn't so easily swayed, and only stated "I'm going to have to see how this is done - so she walked with me side by side for a lot of years, and she guided me. She told me when I was judging or disapproving in my thoughts, actions or body language. She held me accountable and still holds me accountable.

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And the result is that I was instantly happier. Before I took this on, I was BUSY but not filling my heart purpose. I was accomplished but not happy.

And I walk with all these parts of me active and engaged in my heart and head each and every day now and they make me the best person I know how to be.

I still stumble, for sure - but those are lessons now and not moments to dig out the self - shaming stick and beat myself with it.

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Now that doesn't mean I truly do this all the time, In fact, over this past weekend a dramatic event of conflict arose during a time when my heart was wide open and it rattled me to my core.

So I found a quiet space and my 3 year old bawled her eyes out, while my 15 year old railed in my head about injustice and LIFE IS SO NOT FAIR, and I let them both have all their space and felt fully into all of it. My 25 year old self sat at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee mulling in her thoughts, seeking an answer and we were all pretty caught up for over an hour.

And then the door opened up and a new woman walked in, she was elderly, had a very kind face, she was calm and peace seemed to follow her. She came to my 3 year old, wiped her tears and asked her if she was done, told her to take her time and get it all out, and once her sobs turned to hiccups, she wiped her tears away, hugged her, said "It's all going to be okay" and sent her on her way.

She brought my 15 year old and 25 year old together, talked them through the beauty that had just occurred of healing and transformation and asked them for their trust in Creator, and by reminding them of who actually holds the reins each day in the world, they became calm enough to retire to the kitchen to make some cookies and talk through why they were so triggered.

Then she came to sit beside me and with a glowing eye, stated, THAT's ENOUGH, there are people out there hurting, they need a place to be comforted, they need a resting place to find their own balance and you need to HOLD THAT SPACE.

Now pick yourself up by your big girl panties, get into your power space and go Hold it for them. And with that, she put her hand in the small of my back and gave me a gentle shove and I followed her advice. And in doing that, though at first it was hard, I found something inside myself gave root and expanded to new places.

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And that is how I am so happy all the time. I do it by keeping my vision of what MATTERS and gives my life MEANING clear in my head and when my heart begins to wobble and is out of balance, I bring all my age groups together and we have a community meeting.

I think I'm going to like this grandmother who has come to visit, - - - I sure hope she stays.