"How Do You Spell...?"

Have you ever played a word game with your family or friends, maybe Scrabble or Scattergories, and someone asks, “How do you spell <fill in the blank>?”

Or one of your kids is writing a paper and keeps asking you how to spell different words?

Being the speller in my family (I did win some spelling bees in my elementary class, after all!!), my sons would often ask how to spell different words.

When my sons were young, here’s how the exchange often went:

Son: “Dad, how do you spell ‘license’?”

Me: “Well, how do you think it’s spelled?”

Son: “I don’t know… maybe ‘lisense’?”

Me: “Very close! It’s actually ‘license’.” [A later variation: “Very close! Can you think of a different letter to replace the ‘s’ in ‘lis’?”]

As they got older, they got ‘wiser’ and it looked more like this…

Son: “Dad, how do you spell ‘license’?”

Me: “Well, how do you think it’s spelled?”

Son: “I don’t know… that’s why I’m asking you!”

Me: “Well, I need you to at least make an attempt. I think you have a pretty good idea how it’s spelled.”

Son: “Ok. [said begrudgingly] Maybe, ‘license’??”

Me: “Yes… Good job! See… you know more than you think you do!!”

Me: “Oh, by the way, how about next time instead of asking, “How do you spell xyxz?” you ask, “Is this how you spell xyz?”?

Son: “Sure.” [you can’t see the eye roll but I promise that’s what happened!]

And now as young men (18 & 21), it looks something like:

Son: “Dad, how do you spell ‘license’?”

Me: “Well, how do you think it’s spelled?”

Son: “Come on, Dad! Don’t start with that again!!”

Me: “Well, I think maybe you’re just not thinking it through. And whatever happened to you showing some effort and asking, ‘Is this how you spell xyz?!’”

Son: “Why do you have to make a simple question so difficult? You’re the better speller so why not just tell us instead of wasting everyone’s time?”

Me: “So… How will you become a better speller if I keep giving you the answer? Especially if you’ve made no effort to even try?”

So on and so forth… It could go many different directions!

In case you’re wondering (maybe you aren’t), this is NOT a tactic I use with my wife. If she asks how to spell something, I promptly tell her how it’s spelled! If you’re married, I highly encourage not using this tactic with your spouse. I’m not a licensed marriage counselor, but after almost 30 years of marriage I’d like to think I’ve learned a few things along the way…

What’s the Point?

Answering a question with a question can be frustrating for the person asking the original question. Most often this is perceived as an avoidance tactic which indicates guilt or dishonesty. But, it’s actually a useful leadership tool! It’s the motive that matters.

A Coaching Habit

I viewed my ‘spelling sessions’ with my sons as coaching sessions. The simplicity of it is what makes it powerful. There were a few reasons I’d ask my sons how they thought a word is spelled…

To wake up their ‘lazy brain'. We often go through life on autopilot. We do things automatically with little real thought. A question ‘wakes the brain'.

To get them thinking. As they grew older, they would need to be able to think through more and more complex scenarios. Telling them what to do (or how to spell) didn’t help them figure it out themselves. Thinking is an underrated, underutilized human activity in this hyper digital world!

To build confidence. Many times they would spell it correctly. This would boost their confidence a little. The goal was to build their confidence enough that the frequency with which they asked how to spell something would diminish over time. Or… they would be asking how to spell very difficult words!

And this isn’t limited to just learning how to spell a word!!

We may be coaching our school age child or a grown child, a co-worker/teammate, a direct report, a friend… The list of who we may be coaching is long. And the list of topics or situations is even longer. But asking questions isn’t just a coaching tactic, it’s a coaching principle that can become a habit.

So… The next time you’re playing a game with your family and someone asks, “How do you spell <word>?”, you know what to do. Just don’t blame me if someone throws the game board at you!!

For Reflection

What are you telling instead of asking?

Have you personally experienced how asking helps someone stretch, grow, and learn (yourself or someone else)?

?? Read this, and more, on my Substack publication ??