How do you spell Dad...

Wide awake after 10pm…

It has just passed 10pm this quiet Monday evening and everyone here is snug in their beds off to dreamland, but I have just woken and snuck down to my office after I fell asleep on my daughter’s bed.?

You see she loves it when dad lays with her to fall asleep (of course, so do I). She lays with my arm wrapped around her, her head resting on my arm. Her arm over my chest, hand in my hand, snuggled in tight leg over mine, warmed by my body and mine hers. We chat about our day, giggle, tell stories, talk to her toys, plan the next day and slowly but surely, she lets the conversation die. She talks to herself then makes her final wriggles before I hear the soothing sounds of her deep breaths signaling, she is now fast asleep. A couple of big body shudders and a deeper sleep takes her. I lay there a little longer to ensure she won’t wake then I get up tuck her in. Kiss her on the cheek tell her I love her and go to my bed. Its not really a rare occasion but tonight I woke up an hour and a bit later having had a kip myself. After waking and finally following the above routine I made my way downstairs to my office wrestling with some big thoughts on my mind…

To be completely honest these thoughts have been on my mind for some time now.?

In reality it could be a few years and they are not easy questions to answer. They are the big ones - What is my why? What am I supposed to be doing with this one precious life of mine. Am I making the most of it? Am I doing my most to help others? What should that look like and how can I feel and be more fulfilled. What is it I want to be, do, have?

That’s right, it’s those big ones…that I am sure we have all pondered in our lifetime our short insignificant time on this large blue planet…

Now, I should caveat that if you think I am going to give you an incredible way to answer this question for you and your life in this article you will be sadly mistaken.?

All I know is that after some ruminating tonight some freewriting some dreaming and some overthinking. I found some solace in some conclusions that I made through the remembrance of some dreams I had in my own childhood…

You see when I was younger, I loved to play dress ups. I loved the movies and particularly the heroes, the saviours, the guys who had a specific costume and when they donned that specific hat, cape, mask or cowl would go and save the world for one or many. I would watch any number of movies and TV shows then head to my room to craft, sew, build and gaffa my way to a costume I could stand confidently in the mirror and see myself as Zorro, Indiana, Batman, Michelangelo (TMNT), Quinn Malorey (Sliders - did you watch it?..awesome) etc. I would then head to the yard to create a secret lair, store my costume then head out on adventure. Where I would find someone in distress needing my help. Then in hearing someone in trouble I would run to this secret lair, change from mild mannered prepubescent puppy fat Paul into courageous, witty, clever, athletic Zorro – usually taking about 20-30minutes to don this homemade costume (hoping that my damsel would still be ok!) – then run out to save my imaginary damsel in distress from their imaginary captor. Playing all day, eventually coming home to dinner when the sun went down. Having had a successful and tiring day of being an incredibly powerful hero.?

This memory arrived in my head this evening contemplating life’s big questions and I was surprised to find solace in this memory as I linked it to one of my greatest and strongest values being family and specifically being a great father to my incredible daughter Mercy. A value that comes from being one of the lucky ones to have had an incredible upbringing and amazing family life growing up.?

Now how does this wanting to be a hero and the value of family and being a great father come together…

Well as I free wrote about this I saw that when I was younger all I wanted to be was the hero. The person who would go above and beyond, put themselves in danger to save others to have the strength for two or more. Then I thought of my sleeping daughter and her coming in today and saying “you are the best drawer in the world daddy, I love you” leaving me with a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek and the strength, confidence and courage of a lion with her sweet words and I realized as a father and as a parent. My childhood dream is my reality and I am living as a hero everyday.

There isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do to help my daughter. The moment she needs me I am there quicker than lightning (and I don’t have to don a costume to do it). If she screams I hear it. If she is hurting I feel it. If she is in danger I am there. and I know in her eyes she sees a hero, she sees someone that can heal hurts with a kiss, who has the strength of ten men, who is the fastest, strongest most courageous person on the planet. Who has a love so strong it can’t be broken, someone who is loyal, protective, funny and who when in his arms she can never be hurt and is eternally safe.?

As I wipe the tears from my eyes for about the 3rd?time in writing this article. I guess you can see by now it’s not just solace I found in my rumination. it IS purpose and it IS a why. It’s one part of my life, one big chunk of my why but it is the one that drives most if not all my decisions. And has a hand in most of my deepest fears, emotions and greatest happiness’s. It is one responsibility I take complete ownership of. But most of all it fills me with an overflowing and overwhelming, feeling of deepest love. Thick, sweet and warm as honey straight from the hive.?

I know on here it is all about work and career and the labels we work hard to gain. But what is that without what it is that we do all this for and to me It is the greatest living privilege and honour to be called ‘Daddy” and sometimes that is spelt H-E-R-O.