How Do You Show Empathy ... Remotely? — Leading with EQ Newsletter #8

And we’re back! Pleased as always to be popping into your inboxes and feeds with my Leading with EQ newsletter. Each month, I share learnings regarding all things EQ (emotional intelligence) at work, as well as the articles and books that have made a lasting impact. I love to see the comments and conversation that these newsletters spark, so please, keep it going!

Thought Of The Week — Empathy Meets Zoom

How do you effectively communicate and invite empathy when you’re interacting with a larger group in a digital context? In this #workfromhome era, connecting one-on-one is already hard enough. To try to do so en masse can feel daunting, to say the least.

I've wrestled with this leading hundreds of employees through a year of unrelenting challenges. Some team members I've known and worked with for decades; others I've only ever seen on Zoom. Empathy is core to who I am as a leader, but translating it to a digital context isn't always easy.

But I do believe (with some trial and error!) that it’s possible. Here’s how I’m working to broadcast empathy by practicing EQ at scale. 

Balance routine with space for emotion: During the pandemic, we’ve done our best to carry on as normally as possible. We’re still doing our regular meetings — morning standups, code reviews, weekly check-ins — albeit, via Zoom. This is what businesses do. And there’s something reassuring about this continued routine. 

But, really, nothing has been normal. And we’ve learned during this strange time just how important it is to allow space for strangeness and the emotions bubbling up. It’s why we’ve got dedicated Slack channels for WFH questions and oh-my-God-how-do-I-teach-my-kids-algebra panic moments. 

Critically, having these virtual spaces officially sanctioned by the company is an important signal to everyone on the team that this is a business that respects, appreciates and acknowledges emotion. We know people are adjusting to new circumstances and need extra time, emotional outlets, and even a virtual shoulder to cry on — and that’s absolutely OK. 

Validate digital body language: When we were working in-office, I could get a pulse check on the folks in the office with a simple, 20-minute walk-around. I used to scan peoples’ faces and could tell whether they were having a good day or drowning, all at a glance.

This is harder to pull off in a remote work context, but I’m committed to watching for digital body language, like someone not turning their camera on, or being terse with their Slack messages. And by following up, checking in and showing that I’ve noticed when something’s off, I’m broadcasting a message that I care — that I notice more than just whether or not you’ve submitted that report. You’re a person, and you’re seen… even if we’re separated by screens. 

Ask for empathy yourself: Leaders — at least, in the old-school formulation — are supposed to be unflappable and infallible. But, when it’s real, vulnerability can be an even stronger leadership tool. Vulnerability builds trust between leaders and their teams, and trust creates strong, productive companies. Indeed, employees at high-trust businesses are 76 percent more engaged, 74 percent less stressed, and 106 percent more energetic. Sharing emotions as a leader, especially during times of unrest, sends a powerful message: You're human and it's OK for everyone else to be human, too.

In a recent quarterly meeting, I acknowledged that every single one of us, me included, was running on empty some days. With 270-plus faces looking back at me over Zoom, I told the team that my only expectation is that we all be human, not superhuman. Knowing how much they've brought to the table in this crisis, I really can’t describe the wave of gratitude I felt looking at them all. Honestly, I got a little choked up.

My Current Media Diet

What People Still Get Wrong About EQ: “Emotional intelligence” can still be misunderstood in some circles, so it was great to read this Harvard Business Review story from the man who wrote the book (literally!) on the topic. Importantly, being emotionally intelligent isn’t just about being “nice:” it’s about having the skills of self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management.

Asking Good Questions: Great piece here on the importance of remembering to ask big-picture questions with your team. Often, we get so bogged down in the day-to-day at work that we miss a chance to think big … and to think big together. By including employees and stakeholders in blue-sky conversations, you’re sure to get answers that help you step outside of your own perspective. (A helpful question to get big-picture convos started: "What new opportunities have emerged that we don’t want to miss?")

How Remote Work Is Reshaping Geography: Okay, this Wall Street Journal story is about urban planning, not EQ, but can you blame me for including it? It’s a fascinating look at how digital work is reshaping America’s urban geography to create "Zoom towns" and work hubs in unexpected places. I’m curious how this will impact the dynamic between companies and workers, but also how this might change development, infrastructure and community in the long term.

Reader Feedback

In last month’s newsletter, I wrote about how speaking French has given me the opportunity to see the world from a different perspective. I was curious if others who speak a second language felt the same … so I turned to LinkedIn to ask. I loved this answer from strategic planning manager Reyes Colón about how being multilingual has changed the way they think.

Not only has it shaped the way I think but it helps me understand and look for context and nuance when communicating. This leads to a closer connection and empathy.

A powerful reminder that what we’re saying — no matter the language — is never just about the words. True communication requires context and consideration. Thanks, Reyes!

#Dadvice

As per usual, I’m wrapping up this newsletter with a bit of #dadvice. This month, as so many of us are hitting a pandemic wall, I’m talking with my kids a lot about gratitude: finding something positive to feel grateful for, even when times are tough. 

“Life moves quickly. Don’t forget to take a mental picture of experiences that bring you real joy.”

We’ve lost things this past year, but we've gained things as well, and I'm grateful. So I encourage you: let’s be as mindful of the light as we are of the dark. 

Thanks so much for reading! Please hit me up with any comments, suggestions or feedback, and don’t forget to share with your network here.