How Do You Repair After Unintentionally Causing Harm?

Originally posted on the Belonging at Work Blog.

“When you know better, do better.” – Dr. Maya Angelou

Research confirms Dr. Angelou’s wisdom. When we stumble, and make a mistake, we gain valuable knowledge. This new knowledge helps us do better the next time. Why? It enhances our muscle memory, rewiring our brains helping us minimize the risk of making the same mistake again.

So what do we do when we unintentionally make a mistake that harms another person? How do we remain open to learning from these costly mistakes that often jeopardize the trust we are building with the person harmed? How do we take responsibility for our fumbles in order to engage in repair work?

In these moments, we may find ourselves overexplaining or getting defensive when we learn about the harm we have caused. We find ourselves behaving this way in an attempt to be absolved of our transgressions. We may cling to the belief that in our defense, the harmed person may forgive us. When we rush to overexplain, we center our discomfort over the harm we have caused to the other person.

Living in this powerful era of racial awakening, we may experience an added sense of urgency to get it right as we commit to advancing our organization’s DEI goals. This urgency leaves no room for error, and when we make a mistake it may feel as if we are the mistake. As we do our personal work in confronting interpersonal racism and other forms of oppression, we will likely cause unintentional harm as we learn.

Does this make you nervous?

If it does, remember that you and I are human beings. Imperfection is our nature. This means that we are programmed to make mistakes. That’s a part of the learning journey on the path to expanding our worldviews. When we practice new skills, we will inevitably make mistakes, and from those mistakes we learn powerful lessons allowing us to do better the next time around.  

Some of us still suffer from the dangerous belief that being "perfect" is the only way to "do this work right..." Perfectionism, urgency, and the idea of one right way are traits of white supremacy culture. These traits often result in far too many of us remaining silent for fear of failing. And this fear from taking action makes us complicit in a culture that fails the global majority.

That’s why it’s important to be prepared to take responsibility and know what to do when - not if - your good intentions result in a harmful impact. While we may not intend to speak or act in an offensive, harmful, or discriminatory way, our intentions do not determine the impact we have on another person.

The other person experiencing our good intentions is the only person who can determine our impact. As a result, it’s counterproductive to get defensive and try to explain away our intentions. When we do, we fail to center the other person’s experiences, and will likely cause greater harm. Instead, practice your active listening skills to learn about your impact, and then take responsibility for those actions.

Nyanga Uuka explains that an intention is when “someone says something offensive to another person hearing it, but the person who said it didn’t say it maliciously.” In the video below, he offers a personal example of a harm he experienced, and offers a simple framework of how we can begin to repair.

Nyanga says, “if someone is to walk up and try to touch my hair, and say, ‘oh it’s so beautiful,’” that’s where he experiences a harmful impact. For Nyango, these actions and words negatively impacted him because his personal space, autonomy, authority, and sense of self-determination were taken away.

When thinking about repairing from unintentional harms, the workbook, Fumbling Towards Repair  by authors Mariame Kaba and Shira Hassan, encourages us to consider three key questions that will help us get started. These include:

1)     Who was hurt/harmed?

2)     What is needed to create space to repair?

3)     Whose obligation is it to meet those needs?

In answering each of these questions, it’s essential to center the person harmed. In order to repair, the person who caused the harm is asked to listen and learn why harm was caused. They were then called to acknowledge the harm and commit to not repeating that harm again. They were asked to do better.

A Repair Model

Recognizing that we are all prone to fumble at some point, how can we prepare to recover after a good intention causes unexpected harm? The following model below is something to review to help you gain confidence, take responsibility, and be accountable for the action you unintentionally caused.

Let’s examine the model. In the first step, if we cause harm to another person, and that becomes known to us, we must first apologize. Start by saying, “I’m sorry.” If it’s not clear how harm was caused, ask the person harmed for their consent to share more with the goal of learning from the fumble.  

Remember the harmed person holds the power. We can honor their power by centering them in this process. Provided they are generous enough to share more about the harm we caused, actively listen. This means we listen for learning, not to plan a rebuttal. This kind of feedback is a gift, and you are encouraged to receive it with care.

The best way to honor this feedback is to acknowledge the harm caused by naming it. In Nyanga’s example, consider this acknowledgement: “I’m sorry for the harm I caused touching your hair and commenting on it. I realize I violated your personal autonomy and sense of self. Thank you for being generous in explaining why my actions caused harm.”

After you acknowledge the harm caused, ask for clarification. A simple statement like, “did I get that right?” leaves room for the person harmed to say, “yes, you got it, or “well, you got most of it,” and then they can add some additional points, or they might say, “no, here’s the harm caused.” If there’s any additions added to what was initially repeated, restate the additions before moving to the last step.

Finally, we want to hold ourselves accountable to prevent repeating this harm again. This is where accountability comes into play. If we were responding to Nyanga, we could share a few concrete steps like, “I should never touch another person without their consent. That is wrong.”

You could take it further by making the commitment to learn more about how hair discrimination against Black people is intertwined with racism by reading up on legislation like the CROWN Act, designed to protect against discrimination on race-based hairstyles like hair texture, braids, locs, twists, and knots in workplace and school settings.

When mapping out accountability, let the person harmed share what accountability looks like to them. Again, actively listen and discuss what commitments can be made to avoid making the same mistake or transgression again. These commitments will be important to honor.

Time to Practice!

Now that you have a repair framework to enhance your skills, let’s put it into practice. Start by reviewing several common microaggressions originally featured in Business Insider. As you read through each of these statements and the harm they cause, use the repair model featured above to complete this worksheet.

• “You’re transgender? Wow, you don’t look like it at all.” This causes harm because it implies that it is easy to identify a transgender person, and/or that it is undesirable to appear in a gender ambiguous way. Using the model above how would you repair from this harm?
• “You are so articulate.” When a white person says this to a BIPOC person, it usually implies they didn’t expect to hear intelligence, or that the BIPOC person didn’t fit the white person’s unconscious stereotypes. Using the model above how would you repair from this harm?
• “Your name is so difficult to pronounce.” This remark suggests that the person in question does not fit in culturally or linguistically, and that their identity is not worth taking time to learn more about, let alone how to take a few moments to learn how to properly pronounce their name. Using the model above how would you repair from this harm?
• “The way you’ve overcome your disability is so inspiring!” If you have a colleague who has a disability, avoid telling them their disability is inspiring, or being shocked when your colleague with a disability is able to accomplish just as much (or more) than their able-bodied peers. Using the model above how would you repair from this harm?
• “(Interrupting) Well, actually I think…” Men are nearly three times as likely to interrupt a woman than another man. To add insult to injury, when a man repeats the same ideas as the woman interrupted, he more often than not receives all the credit. Using the model above how would you repair from this harm?

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Ready to take these skills to the next level? Then join the 2021 Belonging at Work Summit, July 12 – 16 by registering here. There you will have the chance to learn from incredible thought leaders including Kai Cheng Thom, Cheryl Yi Mei Leong, and Anthony Veliz who will offer powerful insights on how to repair and rebuild trust after experiencing harm in the workplace.