How Do You Know When It’s Time to Intrude on Your Client’s Story? How Do You Do it Like an Expert Coach?

Have you ever been in the midst of a coaching conversation with a client and you know it’s time to ask a question, yet the client is barely pausing to take a breath? How do you know when it’s appropriate to cut in? When I was a newer coach I hesitated to interrupt my client because I wanted them to feel heard, and I worried that I would break rapport with them if I interrupted their story. I would let the client go on and on, venting about everything and filling me in on every minor detail of their perception. Here is the thing that I am sure is evident to you now that took me months to learn: coaches must learn to cut off their client’s stories in order to redirect and guide the client inward. This learning may seem obvious, yet it took me a while to figure out exactly when to know it’s time to intrude, and to know exactly how to do it that would maintain rapport and trust with the client. 

First, let’s quickly review why the coach must intrude on the client’s story. (In this article a “story” is defined by the contributions of the client that do not serve the coaching agenda; it is information that the client already knows about the world outside of them, yet has little to do with their inward exploration of their thoughts and emotions. You’ll know when you are listening to the “story” when the client is talking about other people or other circumstances outside of themself). Although as a newer coach I wanted my client to give me more of their story in order for them to feel heard, I now find that allowing the client to go into story greatly detracts from the coaching session. Most ICF coaching sessions are designed to be short, laser focused, and to the point. Listening to my client’s story does not allow the client to get the learnings they need, and wastes precious time. Intrude upon your client’s story so that they can get the most from each session. 

How do you know when it’s time to intrude on your client’s story? Here are a few indicators that it is time to move the session forward by way of intruding. First, if you the coach begins to feel bored or sleepy, this is a sign that your client has talked you into a trance, and it is time to snap yourself, and your client, back on track. Another sign that it’s time to speak up is if and when you feel confused as the coach. If you’re not seeing how the client’s rambling words are applying to the agenda and goal of the coaching session, it is time to intrude! Lastly, if the client has already given you their thoughts and emotions, but is now blaming those thoughts and emotions on an outside person or event, they are going into story and need to be redirected. 

Knowing when to intrude is only the first step to keeping your client on track. It is vitally important to know how to intrude on the client in a way that maintains rapport and trust with the client. The first way you can intrude upon your client is by demonstrating understanding. There is no need to wait for the client to take a deep breath; instead, simply start demonstrating understanding. I typically start by saying, “one second, I just want to make sure I’m getting everything” and then at this point I begin to repeat back what the client has said. Now that I have the floor, I immediately follow up with my next coaching question. The client’s story has been politely intruded by way of demonstrating understanding.

Another way to intrude upon the client’s story is by way of celebration. Even if and when the client is mid sentence, the coach can celebrate by excitedly interjecting “Wow! That is so powerful! What is so important about what you just said?” This form of intruding is appreciated by the client because they are being awakened by good news. Now the client has to do a transderivational search to find the importance of their word choices, which will put the client back to focusing on their own thoughts and emotions.  

Finally, the coach can politely intrude by asking the client for the bottom line. Asking the client for the bottom line sounds something like this: “From everything you’ve said just now, which is the most important thing?” Asking the client for the bottom line allows the client to either make connections between everything discussed so far, or causes them to consider which part of their story holds the learnings. Again, the client must go inward in order to find the answer to your question, and therefore their outward focused story will stop as they search within. 

If you were taught that interrupting is rude, then Intruding on your client might feel uncomfortable at first. Remember that intruding upon your client’s story serves them greatly, and helps them focus on their agenda and goals. Practice intruding on your client’s this week, and let us know which of the tactics, demonstrating understanding; celebration; or bottom line; is your favorite.