How Do You Know the Right Way to Live?

How your stage of consciousness and your relationship with truth govern where you seek answers on how to live your life.

The modern, democratic world can be a messy place to grow up in. It’s full of possibilities, opinions, and experts. There are so many ways to behave, express yourself, and exist. How do you know what to believe in? Where do you find answers on how to live your life? Is there such a thing as the right way to live? Research shows that adults tend to answer these questions differently throughout their lives.

Robert Kegan, an American developmental psychologist and expert in Adult Development Theory, has studied how adults develop over time and found interesting patterns. In short, adults can progress through several stages of consciousness. Each stage profoundly impacts how we relate to the ‘truth’ about how to live our lives.

The Self-Sovereign Mind: A Simple Outlook on Truth

As children, we only understand our own perspective of the world, and it’s the only one that makes sense to us. We have desires, and sometimes those desires are possible to follow, but sometimes they’re not because someone older than us says “no.” We don’t necessarily understand the reasons behind the “no,” but that’s just how it is.

At this early stage, not all children necessarily agree with the adults in their lives or care about living a truthful life. The truth might be that you can’t stay up all night watching cartoons and eating candy, and as a child, you might follow these rules — but only because you fear the consequences if you don’t, not because you inherently believe in the truth of those rules.

To a child, the world isn’t that complex. There is right and wrong, and the person in authority holds the truth. In most cases, this authority figure is a parent or teacher, who sets the rules. Ultimately, truth, authority, and power merge into the same thing for us — and often into the same people.

As we grow into teenagers, our consciousness takes a leap. We begin to realize that not all adults agree on everything, and our parents and teachers aren’t the only ones who make the rules. We start to see that people have different opinions, perspectives, and desires — some of which we relate to, and some we don’t. The world starts to become more complex, and we must find a way to navigate it.

The Socialized Mind: Belonging to a Group that Holds the Truth

The quest begins: If I don’t have to agree with my parents and teachers, who else could I listen to?

As we transition from childhood to young adulthood, it’s natural to adopt ways of making sense of the world from certain ‘external’ figures or communities. These could be our religion, influencers, peer groups, political parties, or mentors such as therapists or coaches.

We look to these external figures for guidance on how to live our lives: What opinions should we hold? How should we eat? What career should we pursue? Where should we go on vacation? It’s important to note that this process of finding answers can happen both unconsciously (we adopt opinions and beliefs from those around us) and consciously (we intentionally seek answers to our questions).

At this stage of consciousness, we believe that these external figures have the answers — that they understand this complex world and can navigate us through it.

Like in childhood, we still believe there is one truth, but now we think it exists ‘out there’ in the world, waiting to be discovered. However, we also realize that truth can be held by more than one person, and that we can own the truth too, as long as we belong to a group that believes the same.

The challenge with this approach is that sometimes the truth we subscribe to has flaws. For example, an expert may fail, or two experts may disagree, creating tension and confusion. This can lead us to switch experts, adopting new ones as we progress through life.

For many, this stage can last decades, even as role models change — from parents to influencers, and later to gurus or other ‘advanced’ figures. People can live fulfilling lives, making meaning through changing role models, though those role models may evolve over time.

I’ve gone through this process many times. I remember realizing during therapy that I could no longer rely on my parents or friends for decisions about what was right. They couldn’t be my experts anymore. So I chose a more sophisticated expert — my therapist! But still, I was looking outside myself.

There is, however, another solution: to grow into a new stage of consciousness and start listening to the expert within.

The Self-Authoring Mind: Finding Truth Within While Being Inspired by Others

Trusting ourselves as the primary expert on our lives can feel daunting. I recall the first time my coach told me her goal was for me to no longer need her. The mature part of me agreed it made sense (and was cheaper too!). But the child in me resisted — unsure of trusting my own voice as the primary guide.

This stage doesn’t mean we shut out the world and listen only to ourselves. That would regress us back to the first stage of consciousness. Instead, we use others’ opinions and wisdom to inform our own decisions. We can still learn from others, but we integrate their knowledge into our own understanding.

Imagine you have a board of directors inside you advising on how to live your life. The members might be a wise author, your coach, your partner, or a political leader you admire — but you are the chairman. You make the ultimate decision.

People at this stage often have clearly defined values that guide their decision-making. The biggest challenge for them is internal conflict — when their own values clash. These inner conflicts are harder than external ones.

This stage is often where self-help books, coaches, and therapists support you to arrive at. Being able to hold multiple views simultaneously without becoming too upset by their differences is valuable in itself. But it’s crucial for those who must make constant decisions — such as entrepreneurs or leaders — who need to hold multiple perspectives without getting overwhelmed.

While this is a valuable stage, not everyone progresses beyond it. Most people do not need to. However, a small percentage of adults, about 1% of the population according to the Theory of Adult Development, continue progressing into the next stage of consciousness.

The Self-Transforming Mind: Holding Multiple, Often Contradictory, Truths Simultaneously

This stage requires us to question both our own and others’ beliefs, fundamentally altering our relationship with truth. If we believe there is an objective right or wrong way to live, we continue seeking it. But when we stop believing in a singular truth, our perspective shifts dramatically. Truth becomes contextual and fluid.

In this stage, black-and-white thinking disappears. People here embrace complexity and understand that truth resides in paradox. Truth arises from the interaction of situations and people, meaning there are multiple truths, or perhaps no truths at all, depending on how you view it.

It’s a little similar to the hyper-relativist approach in postmodern philosophy that also sees all truths as valuable. They all offer us a piece of an understanding of the world that is useful. But the hyper-relativist approach also says that all perspectives are equally constructed and valid and that no perspective is more accurate or comprehensive than another.

Unlike hyper-relativism, which can lead to a paralysis of decision-making, the self-transforming mind integrates paradoxical beliefs into a more cohesive understanding. Some perspectives are more evolved or useful than others. This allows for better decision-making than the hyper-relativist approach.

Does this sound like complete nonsense to you, or like a purely philosophical discussion with no real-life implications? That’s okay. There’s no need to rush to this stage of consciousness, as while it has its benefits, it also comes with challenges.

First of all, it can be a lonely place to be. You will likely have a hard time finding people who think like you and can meet you where you are. Conversations with friends and colleagues about life decisions can be challenging if they aren’t comfortable with the same level of complexity as you.

Secondly, the radical acceptance of what is can make you lose your drive and ambition to change things in the world. It’s easier to fully commit and make an effort for a cause or for yourself when you truly believe it’s right. When you come to understand that it’s right, but also flawed, and that many other perspectives are also valid, it can significantly slow your pace and make you less effective in reaching certain goals in your life.

Moving Between Stages

Reaching a new stage of consciousness doesn’t mean we stay there constantly or in all areas of life. For example, we might trust our inner voice in our career but struggle with relationships or health decisions.

Our stage of consciousness can also regress when we’re anxious or stressed. In such cases, we might temporarily rely on others for guidance. Likewise, our progress depends on the people around us. If they cannot hold complexity, we may take the simpler route.

Personally, I access the self-transforming mind at rare times, especially when I feel calm and surrounded by others who think the same way. But when I’m stressed or anxious, or simply busy in my everyday life, I find myself returning to certainty and simplicity, as it requires fewer resources to cope.

Embracing Your Own Path of Development

As we journey through life, our understanding of truth and the way we navigate the world evolves. From the simplicity of childhood thinking to the deep complexity of holding multiple, sometimes contradictory, truths, each stage of consciousness offers its own rewards and challenges. While it’s tempting to rush through stages in search of a final answer, the key lies in embracing where we are right now.

Every stage provides valuable lessons that shape our experiences and perspectives. Whether you’re following external guidance or beginning to trust your own inner voice, growth is an ongoing, ever-evolving process.

In the end, the “right way to live” may not be a singular path but rather a fluid, dynamic journey of self-discovery. Embrace it fully, knowing that growth is not about reaching a final destination but about learning, adapting, and evolving throughout life.

You can read more of my articles on https://medium.com/@annestensgaard.