How Do You Handle Challenging Emotions?
Ann Van Eron
Founder and CEO of Potentials, Organization Development Consultant, Executive Coach, Open-Minded Conversations Facilitator and Trainer, Best-selling Author, Writer, Speaker
“I am furious with my boss!” “The endless meetings are driving me crazy.” “I don't feel appreciated or recognized for my hard work.” “I am worried about the company's future and the state of the planet.” “I can't speak to my neighbors or family members, given our different worldviews; it's too painful!” These are just a few examples of the strong emotions many of us are experiencing in the face of uncertainty and the myriad of challenges. How do we handle such challenging emotions?
Open Stance
In my last newsletter, I shared how we can benefit from and experience more aliveness and joy, or JOYBeing, when we adopt an Open Stance toward ourselves which involves being self-compassionate and open to our emotions.?
Taking an Open Stance is about noticing when we are contracted, in judgment, controlling, or closed and, with awareness, shifting to being curious, compassionate, courageous, and open to possibilities.?
From an open stance, we can attend to life with greater resilience, embrace the present moment, and realize potential. We are positioned to engage in open-minded conversations to co-create solutions. We can experience a sense of joy.?
Working with Depleting Emotions
Here I will share more on how to take an Open Stance when we experience depleting emotions. We've all been through challenging times in recent years with the pandemic, climate disruptions, political polarization, conflicts, wars, uncertainty, and more. These are just a few examples of the life challenges that can trigger strong emotions.??
Most of us were not educated on how to work with our emotions, especially draining or negative ones. It's not really our fault. Our parents and teachers most likely did not learn how to manage their emotions effectively. We learned by osmosis.???
If you are like many of the people I coach, you may have been told to “stop crying,” “You're okay,” “Don't get angry,” or “Have a stiff upper lip.” I recall my mother pinching me when I began to express my feelings in front of a neighbor. I learned not to show negative emotions.??
Fortunately, we now have a deeper understanding of emotions, and more children are being equipped with the tools to handle their emotions effectively. This knowledge empowers us, as it reveals that emotions are not just fleeting experiences but powerful forces that shape many areas of our lives–our physical and mental health, decision-making, relationships, resilience, and ability to focus. This understanding puts the power back in our hands, allowing us to navigate our emotional landscape with confidence and control.
Suppressing
Many of us have learned to suppress uncomfortable emotions in response to them. When managing ourselves, we often adopt limiting or destructive habits to suppress our feelings. We deny our emotions to ourselves and others. We benefit from becoming aware of the unhealthy emotional habits driving us and choosing more life-affirming ways, such as expressing our feelings in a healthy manner or seeking support.?
We often suppress our emotions when they need to be appreciated as messengers rather than be hidden. While suppression is a popular technique to handle challenging emotions, doing so makes us feel worse, decreases our health, and can damage relationships. Research shows suppression leads to less satisfaction, reduced memory, and elevated blood pressure. Suppression actually makes our emotions stronger, like holding a beach ball underwater; suppression takes energy and drains us. If we suppress our negative emotions, they impact our bodies and our health.?
Numbing
Numbing our emotions is another popular strategy. Most of us have habits that soothe us. However, numbing our feelings with excessive alcohol, sugar, entertainment, food, social media, overworking, anything new, shopping, gambling, or other substances can get us hooked. Anything we become dependent on can drain our energy. Numbing strategies only temporarily mask our pain. Because numbing is temporary, we keep seeking more for comfort. It's draining.
Unhealthy Expression
Of course, fully expressing our emotions, such as anger and jealousy without awareness can also harm relationships and jobs. It may not serve you to yell at your boss, have a temper tantrum during a team meeting, or publicly criticize your neighbor for their political views.
Options for Addressing Emotions
What can we do? We can do something that children naturally know how to do. We can feel our emotions. Research suggests that they only last about 90 seconds. However, when we continually rehearse our related stories, they seem to last a lifetime and sometimes do. Children cry and express their anger, and after a few minutes, they are over it and move on, especially if they are valued and supported by a caring person who is patient and thus helps to regulate their nervous system.?
We adopted the habits of suppression and numbing because we thought it would help us remain safe in our environments by preventing us from expressing our emotions. Now that we are adults, we are more equipped to care for ourselves.??
The key is awakening to emotion as a parent awakes to a child's cry; attend to our emotion by being open and curious to explore what is going on (rather than denying it, numbing, or trying to distract yourself), acknowledge and name your emotion, give yourself empathy (something in me feels angry, hurt, sad, or lonely), then act on what you as identify what is needed. (Perhaps you breathe and fully feel the emotion and then take a walk, talk with someone, or write an affirmation in your journal about what you are experiencing and develop a plan for the next steps).?
Allowing Emotions
Allowing and feeling our emotions is a powerful tool for personal growth. When we fully feel an emotion, we can let it move through us, preventing it from getting stuck in our bodies. This process can bring a sense of relief, as we no longer have to carry the weight of suppressed or numbed emotions. We can be more choiceful in whom and how we share our feelings. Fully feeling an emotion is not the same as fully expressing it. We need to assess when it is safe to express our feelings.
Reappraisal
In addition to feeling our emotions, we can use what psychologists call reappraisal, which is when we look for other perspectives and try to reframe our experiences. We may look for what we can learn from an experience and consider how another may view our situation and reaction. I wonder how Gandhi or Nelson Mandela might see things. Research suggests that we have better relationships, more satisfaction, and likely better health with reappraisal skills.?
Post-traumatic growth assumes that we may even be able to bounce back stronger after we view life experiences as growth opportunities. When you reflect on your life, can you see that some of your most challenging moments helped you become who you are today? Are you more understanding and compassionate with others? What if we reframe emotional challenges as opportunities for growth that could lead to more joy and aliveness? Focusing on what is going well and being grateful helps us deal with difficult emotions.
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Breathing
When my clients and I are experiencing challenging emotions and reappraisal feels difficult, we rely on breathing. When our amygdala is activated with emotions like anger and overwhelm, we don't have full access to our prefrontal cortex. Emotions are energy in motion. When we consciously breathe, we allow our emotions to move through our bodies. Research shows that we can change our emotions with different cadences of breathing.?
When we slow down our exhale, we relax more. A simple pattern is to breathe in with our mouth closed and allow our exhale to be twice as long as our inhale. You can exhale through pursed lips as if you are cooling off hot soup. You can count in to 3 and out to 6. Do this rhythm of breathing for a few minutes, and you will calm your body, have more access to your mental capacity, and be more easily able to reapportion an interaction or situation.?
Movement
Many have found that simply moving, such as exercising, walking, dancing, or running, can help us move our emotions through our bodies. Feel your feet on the ground and appreciate your body. Pay attention to your sensations and simply be with them as they naturally shift.?
Support for Trauma
Many of us have experienced emotional distress and trauma resulting from an event that overwhelms our capacity to digest it emotionally. Trauma is related to how we interpret an event or circumstance. In these cases, we benefit from the caring support of a professional to help us be present and work through the emotions that may be suppressed or numbed. We developed strategies that enabled us to survive, and we can learn new ways to experience living.?
Adopting an Open Stance
When we take an Open Stance toward our range of emotions and are curious and compassionate, we can be more aware, embrace our feelings, and experience a greater sense of aliveness and JOYBeing–the joy of being alive through the positive and challenging moments.??
What strategies have supported you to work with challenging emotions??
Invitation to an Open Stance Circle
People report experiencing genuine connection in the Open Stance Circles. We come together with a commitment to being open to ourselves and others and to offering empathy and caring. The meetings are opportunities to review our commitment and practice stopping, stepping back, and shifting to being open. We use a peer coaching process to support one another with the group's wisdom.?
You are welcome to experience the power of connection and participate in an Open Stance Circle. For more information on the timing of upcoming meetings, please visit here.
I wish you ease as you navigate your challenging emotions.?
With an Open Stance and JOYBeing,
Ann Van Eron, Ph.D., MCC
As a global executive coach and organization development consultant with Potentials, I coach leaders, teams, coaches, and changemakers with practical processes and tips to:
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President & Chief Editor, PMR Communications Group
5 个月Ann, this is an especially wise and helpful commentary. Thank you!