How do YOU feel today?

So, earlier this week on the hottest day of the year, I donned my Factor 50, sunglasses and sunhat and walked the streets of my hometown, Stratford Upon Avon searching for men!

I was looking for men aged between 18 and 108

I was on a mission.

No, not for romance (!!) but for knowledge and clarification.

You see, having supported some male family members and friends with their ailing mental health, and hearing of the suicide of Graham Thorpe, the family man and successful cricketer, I wanted to know more. I wanted to understand how we could better support the guys.

My experience tells me that women are better supported from the get-go, and they seem to know how to access that support and are more open to it. Whether they are pointed in the right direction by their friends, GP, work colleagues... is irrelevant, the fact is that more women seek help with their mental health than men. Does that mean men don’t struggle in the same way?

Absolutely not.

Three times as many men as women die by suicide. Read that again.

Three times as many men as women die by suicide.

Men aged 40 to 49 have the highest suicide rates in the UK.

Yet, only 36% of referrals to NHS talking therapies are for men. Umm…

In addition, men are far more likely than women to go missing, sleep rough, become dependent on alcohol and use drugs frequently.

What does this tell us? Why don’t men talk about or get help for their mental health?

Well, the problems are pretty obvious to me. Society's expectations and traditional gender roles definitely play a role. We know that gender stereotypes about women – the idea they should behave or look a certain way, for example – can be damaging to them. But it’s important to understand that stereotypes and expectations can also damage men.

Men are often expected to be strong, dominant, in control. Indeed, many of my female friends look for ‘masculine strength’ in their partner, they want them to ‘man up’. These traits aren’t inherently bad, but they can make it harder for men to reach out for help and open up in times of despair. These days, it’s not unusual for a woman to earn more than her male partner, ?and women, I feel, often have the upper hand in making the decisions. I’m not saying that this is a bad thing, I am a feminist through and through, but I also am a realist, and I can recognise that gender equality has oftentimes, tipped too far the wrong way.

Equality is about EVERYONE; male, female or gender neutral, being respected and having their opinions heard.

This is often not the case, and in other words, many men, perceive that they have lost their hierarchical position within the family dynamic. Many boys and men are afraid of putting a foot wrong in a relationship for fear of being called out and punished.

I support women every single day with a LIVE coaching session that happens on an App. Each weekday morning at 9am I broadcast a live message or teaching for the day, to help my female members feel stronger and more empowered than they felt yesterday. This is called The Sally Bee Method, it’s very successful and busy with over 500 members.

I recently launched a similar App for the men, called The Daily Coaching Club. The idea behind this is to offer a similar support for the guys, offering LIVE coaching every weekday morning at 10am to help them feel better supported and give them a space to share and ask for help when they needed it. I have a mixed gender team of coaches, psychotherapists, psychologists and counsellors ready waiting in the wings, to offer their support.

I started promoting The Daily Coaching Club but came across tough barriers from the very guys I am trying to support. Hence my journey to ‘test the market’ out on the streets of Stratford Upon Avon!

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Let me share the findings of my mission to speak to 100 men aged 18 – 108.

These were just some of the questions I asked:

Have you ever felt depressed, anxious or stressed?

100% said yes – this really surprised me.

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Has your depression, anxiety or stress ever overwhelmed you?

98% said yes – also surprising…especially when you look at the next question

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Have you ever sought medical help for depression, anxiety or stress?

Only 14% said yes – wow, what about the other 84 men? (Perhaps the difficulties in getting a GP appointment are relevant here)

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So, then I asked;

Would you know where to go for mental health support besides your GP?

The conclusive answer was 100% NO!

Along with comments like:

“I was offered a counselling session at work once to help with my stress levels, but it didn’t really work, so I didn’t go again”

“I know I should see a therapist, but I wouldn’t know where to begin looking for one”

“Oh, I’m OK really, just a bit moody” (Massive eye roll from this gentleman’s female partner)

“Yeah, it is hard sometimes Bab, but I can manage, I have to!”

“I’m always at work. When would I have time to talk to anyone?”

The younger guys, (18-28 years) I spoke to, were, I felt, more open to the conversation but on the day, many were with other male friends and their answers were possibly led by bravado. I say this because my experience is that the younger generation are definitely better at sharing their emotional traumas than the older generation. But only to a point. Only if the situation lends itself to them speaking openly and honestly, without the fear of being judged.

And after all, what age is considered young and what age is considered old?

I remind you that Graham Thorpe was only 55 years old when he took his life, and this happened after previous failed attempts at a younger age. So tragically sad.

What became clear to me was that the need for mental health support specifically for men is strong, but the offering is lacking. AND the support needs to be offered in a way that will encourage men to participate.

Once I understood that 100% of my 100 questioned men admitted to feelings of depression, anxiety and stress, I asked a few further questions:

Would you sign up to an App that was specifically developed to support your mental health? I was amazed by the answer:

100% said No!

All the gents I spoke to, explained it in many different guises, but the bottom line was, they would not admit, even to themselves, that they had issues with their mental health. They knew the issue was present but didn’t feel inclined to put their head above the parapet and say “yep – that’s me. I’m struggling!”

How amazing when 98% of them admitted to feeling overwhelmed at some stage.

This knowledge, focused my aim to be even more direct. Rather than run from my original idea, believing it would never work because the guys would not want to engage and receive the support on offer, I decided to change the offering to encourage more men to participate and get the support they so clearly needed.

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So, instead of promoting The Daily Coaching Club as a solution for mens’ mental health struggles, it will be promoted as a live coaching service to help guys reach their full potential, get happier, healthier, stronger and more confident. This, they tell me is acceptable.

I have also added an ‘offers’ section to the platform, working with Endurance Zone, one of the largest rewards and incentives companies globally. This means that each member gets access to over 400 brilliant money saving offers on items that they’d probably be buying anyway. We have offers like 40% off Garmin watches, 50% of North Face Clothing and 80% off Mens Health Magazine to name just a few. All 400 money saving offers are posted on rotation, which gives the gents a reason to check back in with the App regularly.

Why is this important?

It’s important because my conversations with the 100 guys walking around Stratford Upon Avon clearly showed that although they accept that sometimes they struggle, getting access to the right kind of help is difficult for them because:

a)??????? They don’t know where to look for help

b)??????? They don’t want to admit that they struggle, even to themselves

c)??????? They feel that they must be the ‘strong one’ in a relationship

d)??????? Help needs to be offered in a way and at a time that suits them

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The cost of membership for The Daily Coaching Club is ￡13.99 per month, which has been set to cover the cost of admin and running, but initially we are offering 50 places free for life!

A few points that might help men who are struggling with their mental health at the moment are:

1. It’s OK, not to be OK. You don’t always have to wear your underpants on the outside of your trousers!
2. Showing vulnerability is a strength and not a weakness. Any failures, mistakes or tough times you have been through in the past should be celebrated more than your successes…because it is these vulnerabilities that make you who you are today.
3. So far, you have a 100% success rate of surviving life. It won’t always have been easy but you’ve done it!
4. When you feel like you are going through hell – you must keep going but gather a support system around you because you don’t have to do any of this alone.
5. You are NOT alone. Look at the figures from my day out yesterday; 100% of the guys I spoke to have ALL struggled with their mental health.
6. Only try to control the controllables. You cannot control what happens around you, or to you, but you CAN control how you react to them.
7. Life isn’t a competition…just focus on your journey, and let everyone else focus on theirs.
8. The only opinion that really matters is your own. Work out what your core beliefs are and try to match your actions with your beliefs. That will help support your mental health 10-fold.
9. When you are tired, learn to rest and not quit!
10. Showing vulnerability and fear takes enormous strength.

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The bottom line is, we all need a little lift sometimes. So gents, when this happens to you, when you feel a little low, stuck, fed-up… or worse, do NOT suffer in silence.

www.dailycoachingclub.com

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