How do you define success?

The question above is something that I've struggled with defining for a while now. Even if you're exceptionally self-aware there is a good chance you have, at times, oscillated between something that's well-rationalized to something that's completely "in the moment" and emotion-driven when you attempt to answer that very same question.

Last week a very close friend of mine passed away, and while I'm loathed to discuss private issues in a professional forum my last conversation with him on this very same subject is the reason I decided to pen down some of my thoughts on the subject.

As humans, we exhibit a whole range of emotions of which longing finds its way to the top of the pyramid at times (speaking specifically in the context of professional achievements). Given that we're hard-wired to reach for more than we have this should come as no surprise. As children, we long for the sweets or toys our friends have - borne out of an internal desire to have something that we do not currently possess. Our parents (bless their hearts) sow the seeds of what they hope ends up being professional aspiration when they compare our achievements to those who have done better than us. While the intent is pure it ends up gradually cementing a belief that looking out (rather than in) is what your guiding principle ought to be for aspiration. While it could be argued that this doesn't apply to everyone it is something that I believe resonates with enough people to warrant a conversation.

At different times of your life, you'll find yourself looking at people who have accomplished different things with some level of longing. It's a natural phenomenon and something that's a small part of what makes us human. However, it's the ability to process these feelings, understand the context and build a path to a goal that makes us a truly unique species.

Given this need for external input and validation, how should you define success?

There are a couple of tenets that might be useful to help process this information.

1. YOU define your success - We all live in circumstances that are uniquely ours, while longing as aspirations might be fleeting the ability to recognize what part of that is really something you want (or need) is critical. It's important to cultivate a level of self-awareness so you're able to contextualize the information better and understand its relevance to you.
2. The definition changes - As a child, as a university student, at your first job, 10 years in, at your first startup, as a mentor, as a parent, as a significant other - you realize that the definition of success changes depending on the context of your surroundings.
3. Don't carbon copy - If you're going to start replacing what success means to you with what it means to someone else (or your societal structure) you're bound to make a number of decisions that take you down a path that you don't recognize or enjoy. What's critical to realize is that when you aspire for success based solely on an external guidepost you're doing so at the risk of disregarding your internal compass.
4. It's half the story - Longing based on what you see someone else has (or achieved) only tells you half the story. You don't know the sacrifices and trade-offs that a person has made to get to where they have and whether those are decisions you would be happy making.
5. Rationalize the feeling of longing - It's a human emotion and you'd be hard-pressed to make a statement that I've never had a feeling of longing. The real question is what do you do with that feeling once you've had it. Can you look at it analytically?
6. Replace longing with aspiration - While some aspirations are fleeting others tend to be more long-lasting. Define goals based on those aspirations and build a plan towards gradually chips away at the obstacles that are in front of you.
7. Avoid being caught up in the hubbub - Society tends to view success through a rather distorted lens. Are you the head of your division at 40? have you raised more than other companies at your stage? and so on. At the end of the day those questions shouldn't really keep you up at night, and if they are you might want to re-think your priorities.
8. Define your legacy - What do you want to leave behind after your time is up? While there is clearly something to be said about people who've made an impact on millions of others I think the key here is not about the number but how positive the impact can be.

While you might struggle with the changing definition from time to time the one thing that ought to bubble up through all this noise is the question"are you happy"? So, if the answer to the question above isn't something that makes you happy maybe, just maybe, your definition of success isn't what it should be.

At the end of the day, while my dear friend felt he hadn't made the most of his life given the reasons above, I think he did. His legacy is a trail of good deeds, a zest for travel that took him around the world meeting different people and possibly enriching their lives as well, if just for a minute. For me, that's success enough.