How do you deal with a spouse who constantly puts you down?

If you’re a woman who has been in more than one heterosexual relationship, you might have come to the conclusion that it is normal for men to put their wives and girlfriends down.

The sad truth is that you are probably right. It is normal, in that men and women exist in a world which is organised along very dualistic lines, where men are seen as (and see themselves as) superior to women. We call this psychological patriarchy, and it is the personal side of political patriarchy.

Women in professional roles may experience this if their husband or partner feels threatened by what he sees as her superior position in the workplace.

Of course not all men put their wives or girlfriends down. And of those who do, it isn’t always a habitual thing. And of course women can put men down too.

But let’s face it there are some men who seem to live on the energy they get from the put-downs, the humiliations and even gaslighting they subject their partners to. Sometimes it’s the woman who does this to her man (or her wife). But I’m going to stick to the ‘normal’ set-up to make the language easier.

Why does my husband constantly put me down?

If your husband or partner is always putting you down and you want to know why, consider this.

The endless put-downs are a symptom or a feature of grandiosity. This simply means he has too much self-esteem.

In this scenario you may feel like you don’t have enough self-esteem. And you’re probably right – you don’t.

This is a product of what Pia Mellody called "the great lie." This is the lie of superiority and inferiority that is embedded in our culture. The lie that someone could be superior or inferior to anybody else. It's intrinsic to patriarchy.

In patriarchy the superior side is the masculine side of the equation. The inferior side is the feminine side of the equation. And the primary relationship is that the masculine holds the feminine in contempt. Misogyny is essential to patriarchy. It is patriarchy on the psychological level.

“But he’s not that bad” I hear you say. Well that’s good. If he’s not engaging in physical violence, and he doesn’t call you really awful names. He never broke your favourite porcelain rolling pin or your mother’s cut glass decanter.

But if you’re reading this, he is doing or saying things which make you feel small, stupid, weak, less than. And he may be doing that intentionally.

And in a way it is not his fault. He himself is also a victim of patriarchy. In The Will To Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love, the wonderful writer, Bell Hooks, wrote:

“The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem.”

But knowing that your husband, partner or boyfriend is just as much a victim of patriarchy as you are does not make it any better, does it?

So how do you deal with a man who puts you down?

Before we move into how to do this, I want you to ask yourself whether what you are currently doing is working, at all. If nothing’s working it may be that you are using one or more ‘losing strategies.’

The couples therapist, Terry Real, lists the following five losing strategies. These are strategies which simply don’t work:

1. Trying to prove that you’re right and he’s wrong. It may be that you are right, but banging on about it won’t help. In fact it almost looks like you’re putting him down by insisting that he’s wrong. And besides when you insist that you’re right, or in the right, you’re just escalating the situation. And that presumably leads to an argument and possibly a slanging match. You both try to end the argument by proving that you’re right. But there is no objective reality you can refer to which holds any weight. Your reality and his reality are different. And what’s more important to you? Being right or finding a solution which will help to repair your relationship?
2. Trying to control his behaviour – either directly or indirectly. Women often resort to passive aggressive approaches, such as “you’re late; your dinner is in the dog.” Or we try to get him to drink less, eat healthier, stop smoking, take more exercise, take less exercise. Unfortunately people don’t like being controlled in this way! It reminds me of the story of the sun, the wind and the man in the overcoat. No matter how hard the wind blew, the man would not take his coat off; in fact he pulled it closer around him. The sun had an easier time of it, just by shining on him. The man quickly pulled his coat off and revelled in the sun’s rays.
3. Unbridled self-expression – telling him how awful he made you feel and that if loved you he wouldn’t treat you like this. To quote Terry Real, “When you are hurt and angry, spewing is not being authentic; it’s being a brat.” It is important to let your partner know that he has hurt you or wronged you. But it’s important to do this with love. No-one has the inalienable right to vent their feelings in this fashion. Yes you probably do feel hurt and angry and walked all over, but if you want a different, more loving response from your partner, you won’t get it by covering him with your angry vitriole.
4. Retaliation – punishing him for all the bad stuff he did to you. Punishment doesn’t work on anybody, let alone grandiose husbands! Retaliation is about offending from the position of victim. It’s a tit for tat thing. Such as ‘you humiliated me in front of my friends so I’m going to forget you need me to be home early tonight so you can go out with your mates.’
5. Withdrawing from him and the relationship (as opposed to responsibly taking some time out to cool down). Withdrawal can be a form of retaliation, such as refusing sex because you feel hurt. Or it can simply be out of avoidance of conflict or a mistrust of closeness. Withdrawal can take the form of longer hours at work, burying yourself in the needs of your children or spending all evening with your nose in a book. The problem is that the more we withdraw, the fewer are the opportunities for healthy communication and intimacy

The common feature of all the losing strategies is that they are all about you and him as separate individuals, and are in no way about the relationship between you. They are all founded in individualism as opposed to connection. And they are borne of conflict and deepen it, moving you both into a downward spiral.

Moving the focus to connection rather than individual interests leads us to approaches which are more likely to be effective. This is about what we call relational mindfulness. That is what you do when you keep the health of your relationship centre-stage in your mind.

Obviously these strategies work best when both partners adopt them. But even alone you can make a difference. Remember the only person you can change is yourself!

Six strategies for dealing with your grandiose spouse

1. Start with a truce – tell him you want to change the way the relationship is going for both your benefit and his. Remember this is about the health of the relationship, not about the rights and wrongs of the individuals in it.
2. Get his attention by respecting his time. You can ask “is this a good time to talk?” And if not, fix an appointment with him. And make sure there are no distractions when you have the conversation – turn off the television and put your phones away. This is an important conversation and requires your fullest attention. If he does not engage, gently remind him that this is for his benefit as well as yours! And that it’s about putting the relationship first.
3. Shift from complaint to request – rather than moaning about what he is or is not doing, tell him what you would like him to do. No matter what he says, keep calm! Don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap of retaliation or unbridled self-expression.
4. Be really specific about what you want: instead of “I’d like you to be more caring” tell him what you would like him to do that will let you know that he cares about you. And of course tell him that putting you down is not helping; it just makes things worse between you. Again be specific; give him a concrete example of when he put you down.
5. Give something in return. Be available to him when you feel comfortable to do so, and in ways that you feel comfortable with. If you have been shutting him out for a long time this will most probably feel uncomfortable, but you can take baby steps. ‘Turning towards bids’ is one place to start. This simply means when your partner says something like “did you see this in the paper?” you give him your attention, rather than ignoring him. When you do this, you acknowledge his bid for attention.
6. Listen to him with an open heart. If he launches into put-downs or complaints, remind him that he has already agreed not to do this. And see if you can get at what lies behind them – there may be other things going on that are making him feel irritable or vindictive.

If this all seems too much, then you probably need to nurture and replenish yourself first. As women we are conditioned to care for others and put ourselves last. Unless you’ve been practising good self-care, you may not feel strong enough to take on your grandiose husband right away. In that case attend to your own needs. This will enable you to move out of the victim position and give you the strength you need to take the six steps I just laid out.

And remember in the words of a therapist I worked with in the past, “if you don’t challenge him, you are colluding.” But here we are talking about loving challenge rather than vindictive, accusatory challenge. After all men are just as much victims of patriarchy as women are.

If you would like to find out more about the steps you can take to prepare yourself for the challenges ahead, download my e-book, Three Steps to a Magical Relationship.