"How do you do it all?!" Breaking the silence: A personal reflection on healing from suicidality.

September is #SuicidePreventionMonth. On the daily, folks ask me, “how do you do it all?!” Well, I can tell you now how I’m keeping the wheels on the bus, but if you asked me in May, you wouldn’t have received a reply. Why? Because I was in the hospital for major depression and suicidal ideation. (And the crowd goes… “GASP!”).?

The reasons behind my hospitalization are complex and deeply personal. But I can assure you with 110% certainty that you are not alone if you are feeling hopeless, lonely, or unworthy. I can assure you that there are people that would wrap you in love and remind you of your worth. I sincerely hope you learn of your precious worth earlier in your journey that I did.

On your best day and your worst, I invite you to reflect on three people that you love deeply and who love you for you. Write down their names - those folks that laugh with you, make you feel safe, forgive you, sit with you in sorrow, celebrate your wins, share your joy, accept your weirdness, answer your phone calls, ask you what you need to feel loved.

Tuck that list away, but not too deeply. Put it under your pillow, set it on your nightstand. Return to it morning after morning, night after night. On your best days, call those folks. On your worst days, call those folks. If they don’t answer, it’s not because you’re not worthy. It’s because they’re busy being amazing humans. Leave them a message. They’ll call you back. While you wait, write down ten things they would say about how friggin’ amazing you are and how boring the world would be if you and your light weren’t in it. Give yourself a damn pep talk that they would deliver with a mic drop.

Then remember to be that cheerleader for someone else. Be that person who checks up on others. Be that person who picks up the phone. Sends the first text. Sets the date. Volunteers to help. Laughs at their terribly awesome jokes. Sends inappropriate GIFs. Makes them feel safe being themselves. Forgives their flaws. Sits with them in sorrow. Celebrates their wins. Shares their joy. Accepts their weirdness. Answers their phone calls. Asks what they need to feel loved.

This September, I want to thank Danielle Teal. You saved my life. You are an angel who wouldn’t take no for an answer. You wouldn’t accept my excuses. Wouldn’t let me hide my shame. You wrapped me in a warm blanket and carried me to a safe place where I could get well. You showed up and advocated for me when I was too far gone to advocate for myself. You wrote silly doodles on my hospital whiteboard. You scared the pants off my treatment team. You watched my babies so I could talk to their daddy. You answered my calls then, and you still do. Thank you.

I want to thank my therapist, Julie. You teamed up with Danielle with a “we won’t take ‘no’ for an answer” attitude and made sure I got the help I needed. Thank you.

I want to thank Sarah Phillips. You picked up my kids. You made them feel safe. You got them to their daddy. You met me at the hospital with a bag of laughs and tears. You cleaned my house. Folded my laundry. Threw away those old brown bananas in the fridge. (Ew, David.) Got me fresh food. Threw out my alcohol. Drove me home from the hospital. Sat with me in my house at reentry for as long as I needed. You never made me feel ashamed for getting help. You made sure I threw out all his stuff and deleted his number. You helped me come up with a plan for what to do if he ever came back. You checked up on me for days, weeks, months, and still now. Thank you.

I want to thank my nurse, Mikel. You’re an angel. You’re an angel. You’re an angel. Thank you.

I want to thank my family doctor, Summer Allen. You followed me throughout my hospital stay, sent messages of love and support, and made sure I got in to see you right away after discharge. You have been in touch with me since May, walking beside me through recovery every step of the journey. Never judging, always affirming, compassionate, and healing. I love you and am so grateful people like you choose to practice Family Medicine. Thank you.

I want to thank Karen Edmonds. You got to the hospital as soon as you knew I was there. You gave me the biggest damn hug I never knew I had been missing. You hung on and never let go. You checked up on me every week after I got home and still do. You make me laugh. You listen. You challenge me to be the best human I can be. You remind me of my gifts. You give everything from your heart and never expect anything in return. Thank you.

I want to thank John Wade. I called you on the day I went to the hospital, but you told me about your relationship sob story (true story). And then on the day I came home, you called me first. You said, “I’m sorry. I failed you. You called, and you needed a friend, and I didn’t realize how bad it was. I just talked about me and my troubles. I didn’t hear you. I wasn’t there when you needed me. What can I do? Tell me what to do next time. I need a plan. I will follow it.” And guess what folks, he has the plan. He follows it. He is my guardian angel. Thank you.

I want to thank my sister, Caitlin Kapurch, for texting me pictures of my beautiful niece and nephew each day I was in the hospital. It seems simple, but their faces reminded me that I have little people beyond my kids that I want to see grow up.

I want to thank Keri Nestler. For being my best friend in the whole world. For sitting on my red couch night after night. For listening to me sob. For reminding me that I’m a boss ass bitch. For making the book. For telling me what I need to hear every time. For validating my trauma. For being beautiful inside and out. For answering my calls and texts 90% of the time ;-). For working on yourself. For reminding me to work on myself. For sharing your heart with me. I love you. You are the strongest MUTHA I know. Thank you.

I want to thank Sean Fulford. You showed up for our babies when I couldn’t. You supported me. You didn’t judge me. You brought my babies to me when I was at my weakest. Your strength and their strength gave me back mine. You gave me the biggest, longest bear hug while I cried into your shoulder standing in my kitchen even after we were no longer husband and wife. I know I can count on you to be there for our kids and for me no matter what. And I will always love you for that. Thank you.

I want to thank Trisha Roeker. You saw how far gone I looked at my son’s graduation, and you didn’t wait one moment to send that message of support. You saw me when I was sick. You offered your healing, nurturing love. Most importantly, you supported my babies when they were scared. Thank you.

I want to thank Rachel Bohman. You made me feel ‘normal’ when I had to face the world at my first parent-night event at our kids’ school after being hospitalized. Your hug and words of understanding were more impactful than you may have realized at the time. I felt seen. I felt safe. Thank you.

I want to thank Elliott Wilson. You have given me the most joyous gift. Our little pod is the one “extra” thing I told my care team that I would not let go of because it brings me so much happiness and growth. You have forever touched my life and my heart. Thank you.

I want to thank Ken Ackerman for having a sixth sense and the biggest darn heart of any human I’ve ever met. I’m humbled by your mentorship and friendship. You’ve been cheering me on from the sidelines for nine years. I’ll never forget how you went to bat for me and how you have my back even when I don’t know it. You’re everything I hope to be in a leader and a friend. Thank you.

I want to thank Andrew Meissner. For texting me “wassup playa where ya been?! Something’s been off. Haven’t seen you. James Harden misses being harassed. I’m here for you. You’ve got a friend in me.” Andrew, you are what makes Rochester more than a place to live. You make it a family. Thank you.

I want to thank Cris Ross, Anjali Bhagra, Sami Taylor, and Luke Burchill for understanding why I needed to pivot away from some big opportunities for growth and learning and for genuinely, compassionately caring about my recovery. Thank you.

I want to thank my team, Hannah Johnson, Zan Degen, Sara Sandager, and Rajeev Chaudhry for caring for me as a whole person outside of my Mayo identity. I know you love me for me. And I love you right back. Thank you.

I want to thank my kids for embracing me with love, forgiveness, understanding, patience, and strength. I am sad but not sorry that I scared you by going to the hospital, because this scary thing taught us that the strongest warriors are the ones that ask for help. And when they don’t ask, their loved ones ask on their behalf. I will always love you. Always.

Friends, I love you all. If you’re reading this, you have a friend in me. Reach out to me if you need an ear, a shoulder, or a walk. If I don’t respond right away, call the crisis line (#988) or chat online at 988Lifeline.org. You are not alone. You are worthy. You are loved. God bless you.

NAMI #NAMI #MentalHealth #Depression #SuicideAwareness #SuicidePrevention #ItsOKNottoBeOK